It's been a while. And I've missed you all. But I'm finally back, and I'm so happy to share what happened with you.
As some of you may or may not know, I had taken the rather extreme decision to leave everything I know and am comfortable with behind and travel 15,000km away from home to the jungles and mountains of Peru. In hindsight, I made a mistake and oversold this entire thing to my family and friends. The way I described it (which was also the way I felt about it) made it seem there's a high probability I never come back. Understandably, this created a lot of anxiety and fear in the people that care about me. I made a mistake by centering this whole thing around myself without considering how it would affect my loved ones, and that was a lesson I wasn't able to comprehend until I came back and saw the relief and joy on their faces, with my journey in the background. I will try to be as brief as possible without omitting interesting or important details, but I'm not very good at being brief.
Getting from the airport to the Amazon rainforest when I first landed in Lima was a living nightmare. I was extremely exhausted and stressed out from all the traveling (20+ hours on a couple of planes, plus another 14 hours on airports, with no sleep whatsoever) and the cultural shock that is Peru's vibrant capital put me into overdrive. It took two days to actually start moving towards the rainforest, but I was so relieved to finally leave Lima with its unbelievably toxic atmosphere, millions of vehicles, uncountable throngs of people, and unimaginable amounts of noise.
When I landed in Tarapoto the Nexian friend that offered his hospitality met me and I really felt I've found a brother in him. To the end of my life, I will be forever grateful for his love and acceptance, and to his family for allowing me to be one of them, albeit for only a short amount of time. It took a long, grueling journey to get to his land, as it's high in a mountainous area. Through knee-deep pools of mud, thorns, and vicious swarms of mosquitoes, we trudged our way up and there it was - a fantastic clearing of the jungle with a cabin in the middle. It was truly a place of wonderful potential. Lush rainforest surrounded it from all sides, with two rivers on opposite sides of the land.
I spent a few days there and a devastating realization started creeping up on me. It was like a vise crushing me, preventing me from breathing or moving. I realized this place wasn't where I needed to be. The whole journey to Peru was founded on my living there with him and working the land. But that's not how things were going to happen, and as soon as I felt that, overwhelming amounts of guilt pressed down on me. I felt like I had given up on them, thrown some false hope their way, and now was on my way to abandoning them. Not that they can't deal with life there without me of course. But I still felt that way. It was very difficult admitting this to him, but he is a man with a very big heart and he understood me completely. I needed to seek a cure for my stuttering and a new direction in life, and we both knew I wouldn't find it there. So I gave them a bag containing a gigantic assortment of all kinds of seeds which would give birth to the piece of paradise we initially envisioned, we hugged, and goodbyes were said. Tears fell down my eyes as I walked away. I felt so lost and alone, so far away from family, in a completely new country, with a language I barely spoke. But I kept on walking.
I was almost depressed - a sensation I've given way to only once in my life, while under the influence of antidepressants... So I decided I'll deal with it like an adult, and I sat down and made a plan of action. I wanted to travel all over the country with my savings, see everything that's worth seeing, and experience everything that's worth experiencing. I left the tasks of curing my stutter and getting the direction I needed in the hands of Fortune herself. I just needed to keep moving because that occupied my mind and kept it away from the fact I have no idea what I'm going to do with my life from now on. I was just a random, lost backpacker in the middle of nowhere, with no light in the darkness to use as guidance, and no friendly shoulder to lean on.
So I made a plan. I spent a few full days in vigorous research and marked all the tourist attractions and points of interest in Peru, and I flagged them in Google Maps. From there on, I carefully planned my route with time consumption, price, and comfort in mind. And I started going down the list, one by one. The first one was a place that I found when I initially got interested in traveling to Peru - a Hindu vegetarian yoga community on the beach of the Pacific Ocean just above Lima.
I got there, and the first reaction I had, even though I arrived at dark, was "WOW". The entire complex is 4 hectares, dotted with many "trulys", which are oval mud buildings whose shape promotes the proper circulation of energy or something like that. Indeed, as soon as I lay on the bed in one of those, I felt a peculiar warmth that didn't have anything to do with the weather conditions. It was a vibrating warmth that was centered in my torso and head, and it was very, very pleasant. The system this eco-farm employed was very simple but extremely effective. You go there as a volunteer and pay 20USD a night for accommodation, free yoga/art classes, and three meals a day. In return, you cycle between 4-5 activities (gardening, painting, construction, cooking,etc.) and help out with everything that needs help. 4 hours of volunteer work are expected from you every day, and you can do whatever you wish during the rest. The place looked absolutely fantastic, which was to be expected with this monetary gain system.
In the beginning, I was super excited to just be away from the rainforest with its insurmountable abundance of oversized insects and its severe lack of comfort and hygiene. But then I noticed that because I'm a big guy, they were trying to exploit me for work. I didn't get to do the easy stuff, like cooking or painting. I was mainly put in construction projects, and shoveling sand/gravel in the heat. I quickly noticed that the people who were running this place weren't as nice and innocent as they made themselves appear, but I decided to just observe from the backline and see how things unravel. I met some amazing people there, some of which I will maintain contact with for a long time I believe.
Every night at 7 there was service, which was done in their fantastic temple. A big piece of land surrounded by walls with colorful windows and pillars of marble. Statues of all the Hindu deities and portraits of gurus were hung from golden chandeliers and put on granite pedestals. The service itself was held in one end of the big square in the middle, in front of a giant shrine of Krishna, plated in gold and jewels, with velvet curtains on both sides. The attendees sat before it and sang their holy songs, and read their holy texts from the Bhagavad Gita. I am not religious, but I took part in their practices out of pure respect and curiosity. It was so very interesting to hear the things their sacred texts preach and to observe people humbly bowing before what they hold most dear in their existence. It made me realize once again that the pure foundation of religion with all the extremities cropped out promotes the very same thing - love, respect, humbleness, goodness, acceptance, understanding, and the seeking of meaning in the universe and our existence therein. It was a warm feeling that was left in me after attending several services. But then at some point, I decided I need to keep moving according to my plan, so I left the place.
Next stop was Paracas - another beautiful place on the ocean shore. It was a fantastic little tourist town with fantastic cuisine and great beaches. I spent there a week or so, and it left a very bright mark in me.
Following that, I went to Ica. This was the worst town I've been to in Peru, by far. Incredibly noisy and overcrowded. On top of all that, I got there around December 29th, which meant I had to wait the New Year celebration to pass before I could book a bus ticket out of there. 2 days before and after the 1st of January, this town became a feral cesspool of noise and unpleasant smells. The hostel I was at was a complete dump, but it was relatively cheap and I had to abide by some restricted budget. The only good thing about Ica is in its vicinity - a place they call "The Oasis of South America". It is the one and only oasis in the entire continent called Huacachina. There I opted for an adventure that few people ever disliked - exploring the surrounding desert in a buggy ride, and sandboarding down the dunes.
It was probably the most exhilarating activity I did in Peru. The buggy ride was amazing because the driver was completely loco
He knew the limits of the vehicle perfectly and drove over the giant dunes in a way that got my adrenaline pumping quite a lot, and the smile never left my face. Then I rode a board down a 50m tall, very steep dune, reaching great speeds. We waited out the sunset over the desert horizon. It was truly a spectacular sight and an overall fantastic experience that I don't regret for a second.
From there on, I passed through Ayacucho and a few other towns, and I headed to the next place on my list - the fabled capital of the Inca empire - Cusco. It is, in my opinion, the best city in Peru. Its cultural heritage, archeological sites, cathedrals, colors, diversity, smells, tastes, and architecture amalgamate into a charming magnet for tourists from all over the world. The sensation of entering the San Pedro market was something I won't easily forget. Anything you need in the world - you can get it there. From the incredible variety of food, clothing, and accessories, to the no less impressive variety of psychedelic and ceremonial goods, there's no end to the appeal of this market.
I was able to find over 15 different kinds of incense used for ceremonial purposes, along with many kinds of tobacco, Huachuma chips, Caapi bark, ready-made Ayahuasca in bottles, psilocybin mushrooms and truffles, giant 1.5m tall, 30cm thick pieces of San Pedro cactus, hundreds of blends of Rapé, dieta master plants like Bobinsana, changa, and many other interesting things. It's truly a sight to behold. Coming from a country where you get thrown behind bars for owning a harmless plant to a country where all entheogens imaginable are to be found sold next to fruits and clothes, it was quite a shock, but in a good way.
I spent a week in Cusco, eating all its fantastic food, and coping with the lingering altitude effects by chewing large amounts of coca leaves and drinking coca tea all day long. And then I decided I need to visit Pisac thanks to the recommendation of alkan0id, who was there the whole time. We met only once on one of the airports and couldn't make it happen again, but I was very happy to meet him IRL and chat with him about stuff. He was a very nice presence in my life and helped me cope with things without even realizing it. Love the dude!
As soon as I entered Pisac I knew I'd spend a long time there. It's a small town on the banks of the Urubamba River, with enormous mountains towering over it on all sides. Truly an exemplary town in the Sacred Valley. The place had an energy I liked very much. It's a hippie town full of weird, interesting individuals from all over the world that congregate there for a wide variety of reasons, but mainly psychedelic experiences and cultural events like yoga, dancing, or family constellations. I spent there the entirety of the following month. I ate mushrooms and climbed on ancient Incan ruins. I drank my first Huachuma and spent the day on a giant glacial lake high in the mountains. But all of this deserves its separate thread. It was also there that I decided I'm gonna do my first ayahuasca ceremony.
I found a shaman through word of mouth, but he didn't speak English and my Spanish wasn't solid enough to communicate freely with him, so we took a translator. Below I'll slap a brief report of how this first ceremony went, omitting the small details:
I drank the first cup of yage. 40 minutes later I didn't feel anything. The translator that was with us purged at this moment, so I expected it to begin soon, but it didn't. I drank a second cup. 40 minutes later - still nothing. The translator had purged more than 15 times by then. So I drank the third cup, hoping for it to finally start working on me. It did, but definitely not how I expected it to.
There were absolutely no visions whatsoever throughout the entire journey. Instead, there was immense energy that was crushing me. It was twisting my body and I felt I had a huge weight on my chest that was making breathing very difficult. My vision was very blurred and split up, so the entire thing felt like I was extremely drunk. Overwhelming nausea tortured me for 6 hours straight. It felt like there was a snake in my stomach twisting and turning violently, creating great discomfort in the process, but it refused to go out. The effects came and went in waves. Following those nasty waves of unpleasantness, there were moments of blissful silence and harmony. I felt the presence of DMT in my body, and I liked it very much. It felt alien and native at the same time.
I was sitting on the ledge of the mud hut on the hills of a giant mountain, with many more giant
mountains before me. Above, the starry night sky revealed itself in its full majesty, with millions of stars throwing silvery sleeves of light on everything. In the distance, the mighty Urubamba quietly rumbled, its captivating siren song gliding across the mountains and over the fields between. I wept in gratitude. I was grateful that the medicine was allowing me these moments of joy and calm amid the violent storm before that. Then I went on and thanked the universe for every single thing I have in my life - my friends, my family, my experiences, and my memories - one by one. I asked the medicine if it can cure my stutter, but no answer came. Instead of that, a new wave of suffering came. Then a new wave of bliss. This went on repeat for more than 7 hours total.
When the final wave of suffering washed over me, I was begging the medicine to let me go and stop torturing me. I was barely able to breathe. I couldn't focus my eyes on anything. I was sweating profusely. I could barely move my body and felt like I was going to lose consciousness at any moment. The nausea was so extreme at this point that I started taking clothes off preparing for the purge. And when it came, it was so violent and powerful I barely kept standing up and didn't faint. In a few minutes, I was done, and with that, the endless cycle of waves subsided into a sustained harmonious and relaxed state. I lay in my hammock and kept on thanking the medicine for finally letting me purge. I felt so utterly exhausted I couldn't believe I was even awake.
While recuperating on the next day, I couldn't figure out why it happened that way. Some people say you need to do it more, and do it often, to build up a relationship with the medicine. I was trying to analyze what could the journey I had mean. What was the medicine trying to point me to? I didn't have any answers. I stuttered as usual. But something happened. Slowly over the next few days, I reached a revelation that changed everything.
Throughout the years I've considered electronic music production many a time. I've tried several times, but I didn't have the necessary dedication to achieve anything. Years later, a few days after this torturous first journey, I subtly and gradually realized that I want to make music. At first, it was a random recommended video on YouTube that then led to other videos, a phone app, and seemingly random "signs" concerning music production. Finally, the lightbulb lit up and I realized what it all means. So the medicine did what I asked it to do - it gave me a direction in life. It absolutely obliterated my body and tested my psyche to the limit, but in the end, it did what I asked of it. I had never imagined it would work in such a way. My passion for making music grew by the second, and it was then when I realized my journey in Peru has come to an end. My quest here was completed successfully, and it was time to go back home. I've quoted the infamous Alan Watts quote many times in my life, and now it was my turn to do as I preached.
Alan Watts wrote:If you get the message, hang up the phone. For psychedelic drugs are simply instruments, like microscopes, telescopes, and telephones. The biologist does not sit with eye permanently glued to the microscope, he goes away and works on what he has seen.
I still had many things left on my list, such as the Titicaca lake, and the famous Huaraz treks, but I didn't want to waste time and money doing them when I got what I came here for. But since Machu Picchu was so close to where I was, it would've been stupid not to go and see it.
It was a very spectacular sight, no doubt about that. The energy of this majestic fortress is dampened by the crowds a little bit, but nothing beats the views it presents. I won't weigh down this thread with descriptions of MP, since you can imagine how it is, given how famous it is. The bottom line is I have no regrets visiting it.
Fast forward a few days and I once again stepped foot on Bulgarian soil. I couldn't believe I was feeling this, but as soon as I exited the plane and inhaled that polluted, freezing air of Sofia, I couldn't stop smiling. I left Bulgaria with the assumption I wouldn't miss it one bit since I had accumulated so much disappointment with the mentality of people here, and had gotten fed up with the pollution, but I started missing home very soon after I was in Peru. I guess I love my country, no matter how shitty it appears to everyone outside. Nostalgia can really turn the tables.
[had to edit this part out since it is no longer the case]This whole experience made me realize many things about life, about myself, and it made me a stronger person. I don't want to dive into detail about the situation, but the future is looking very bright, and I'm extremely optimistic about what's to happen. In any case, I have no regrets whatsoever. I've learned to express my gratitude for what I am and what I have daily. It's a practice that reminds me that I'm a tiny little node of an unimaginably large and complex system spread across uncountable dimensions in unknowable universes. The star in me shines brighter than ever. And I'm happier than I've ever been.
Thank you for riding on this journey with me. And thanks to alkan0id for being there as well. I have many upcoming psychedelic journeys, including more heroic LSD doses like my last one. I've got unfinished work there. And I will share it with you.
Love you all.