Hey everybody,

It's been a while since I posted. Well, not a while, but I used to share every attempt and I haven't for more than a month (and I still do it every week).
Why?
Cause, even tho I don't think I have properly broken through, each try has been the most amazing experience of my life. So I kinda figured "who cares about BT if you're so amazed when you come back down".
I do wonder how many tries people need, average, to have their first BT, tho... and also at what dosage...

I use the e-mesh technique, and it feels like I "master" it, though I might need to improve my breathing technique. Or maybe have a timer to see how long I hold it. I don't know.

This time, I wanted to try changa again. It has been months since my last try. I loaded 100mg of 40% changa with a pinch of caapi.
I inhaled it in two long hits, held as long as I could and exhaled a bit.
And.... Nothing. Just a big body high. Can changa lose its potency over time?

Super disappointed (my last try with changa was beautiful and I thought I had improved my breathing technique so I was expecting something better than that). Thus, I decided to go back to the crystal and loaded 25mg on my mesh. Some little pieces of changa fell on and I thought "no biggie".

As I started to inhale, I felt an extremely positive mindset – different than usual. Also had another kind of taste in the mouth. Wondered if maybe the mesh was hot enough to burn the changa – and maybe it can be used to smoke changa?

I was looking at the ceiling, eyes opened (that never happens usually) and then closed. I got into that beautiful vortex of geometrical shapes I've seen so many times now. I could see my face in the shapes and feel some intense things... but oddly, everything felt normal, and I mean that as "ordinary", "not amazing at all". We have this word in french : "blasé". I think you guys use it too. I was "blasé"! Can you believe it?

When I came back down, I felt utterly cynical (and it is not a mindset I have – I'm NEVER cynical). It was really confusing. I had a crazy great body high tho. It lasted more than usual.

So... also for the first time, I felt like I needed to do it again. My mind hadn't been blown. So I loaded 30mg on the mesh and went for it again. I'm pretty sure I didn't manage to take it all in one take (one, because I had to stop bc of the heat, it started to hurt my throat and 2) because there were some left). I'm not sure I exhaled any vapor as I was already having OEVs. As I was going for another hit, I felt the spice telling me "no! it's starting, it's a ceremony, focus!"
So I laid on my back and closed my eyes. I was having the exact same feelings as the first time. It was presented as a comic repetition but I was also lost: I didn't remember if I had done it earlier, etc.

At some point things started to slow down. I thought they had never been so slow, so "accurate". I could see so clearly what I was being shown. And I felt like "of course I understand all of it". I had this "cosmic revelation" that I already had, basically saying that everything, the whole cosmos is a like a "hide and seek" thing, where what you are shown is a "comedy", a "mascarade", like "showing something to hide something else", etc.

As it has also happened a bunch, I was told that I was supposed to look at what one could call the lower right corner of my field of vision. A white room seemed to be there.

Then, I felt like something was trying to touch my eye and eventually I was pushed on that right side of my field of vision. And I was told to come. Like they were cheering me up : "come! come here!" and I was like "I'm trying but I don't know how to do it". Basically around that moment, I started to open my eyes more and more and came back down.

At my previous try, I felt like I was in the "after life space". I remember that, on the moment I felt "that's it, I'm there". But when I got back, I had doubts. And I get that you don't have doubts about having broken through.

I'm still very grateful, because, as I said, these experiences are mesmerizing, but I'm having some frustration again, cause I feel like I'm close but never really get there. Also, I have this feeling that I'm experiencing what I'm supposed to experience and that BT should not be a goal in itself. So... yeah... I'm a bit confused... and at the same time, I'm totally fine with it.

Maybe some of you have gone through the same stuff... is it possible that I just need higher dosage? maybe my MJ habits are in the way?

EDIT: I must emphasize on something: I feel that the e-mesh method is so quick that there is never an option for a second hit. It's all in one or nothing, somehow. Every time I tried to take another one, something in my mind was telling me it's wrong and I exhaled immediately