Enleyetener wrote:
I like the budhist texts speaking about focusing on a skillful activity or object, to keep the mind from unskillful thoughts, alot.
....Who says sex isn't skillful...Just kidding. Not really. But....I completely understand where this is coming from and it is VERY true. Jerking off and prostitutes are obviously a terrible terrible waste of time. I have only done the former. Both of those things also provide the opportunity to entertain the worst side of yourself. Doing something constructive, like growing some food for yourself, writing poems, playing the guitar, working hard are all much much better ways to spend your time that bring out the best parts of you, rather than the worst.
However, even going out to hook a catch with the intention of using her to satisfy yourself is not good not good either.
There needs to be some level of appreciation for her humanity.
Enleyetener wrote: I have in-fact become bitter and mysogynistic but that happened earlier around 18 or 19 maybe younger.
Where things get tricky is that
1. Libido is very much tied to how much sex or states of arousal you've been having. I.E. if you are completely celebate getting aroused in the first place might be difficult because you have not created a context for yourself to become aroused in.
2. There are a lot of women, A LOT, who expect to be dominated or controlled in the bedroom. Not all, but I think this is common. This doesn't need to go too far, but for the most part women want guys that can take control. Now, many people might not overthink this the way some people do. For some people, they just feel a gravitational urge to be sexual with someone. Grabbing or slapping certain parts of their body, holding them down etc is just how they get caught up in the moment and enjoy themselves...neither people thinking there is anything wrong with it. Where the line is is really up to her and she will let you know. If you crossed the line and she doesn't tell you she has issues she needs to confront also. This is how abusive relationships start. And being on either side of an abusive relationship is not where anyone should strive to be.
The catch 22 is that it is really difficult to become intimate with someone if you don't have a sexual position. Most young women are out there to have sex, just like you are. If you don't create a sexual context for yourself women will not stick around you as anything more than a friend precisely because they expect to have sex, and good sex. I think I speak the truth that when a woman goes home from the bar with a guy, she would rather have ripping sex that might just be a little bit rough than awkwardly stare at a limp dick thinking she isn't hot/interesting/ enough. If you are too afraid to do something that turns you on because you think it might cross the line it could actually precipitate a negative cycle in which you progressively feel more self conscious, have less self esteem, become more resentful towards women, and as a result become more misogynistic.
So the catch 22 is, the paradox, is that you might actually need to exert the control that makes you feel uncomfortable or misogynistic in order to develop a relationship with someone that precipitates love and affection. Chances are it is something that may only come out during sex and she will totally understand.
That is the best scenario. The best advice I can give, is that when having sex, reach for the women that tickle your mind. The ones that make you laugh. The ones that you respect and the ones that respect you. The thing is you also have to have respect for yourself first.
For people with troubled childhoods this can be extremely difficult.
But there is strength in you and even the worst things can be purged.
There is someone out there who wants to love you and whom you want to love.
Yet another trap is that it is my impression that people, A LOT of people, mistake lust for love. They scramble for what turns them on, and in doing so their sexual partner is nothing but a puppet of their desire. They stay in a relationship because of what they reason they are getting out of it. Instead of loving each other, they are simply using each other because it makes each of their lives easier.
It is up to you to decide what real love is. But you can feel it for everyone and everything; not simply who have sex with.
But because sex is very much tied to receiving pleasure for yourself this is a minefield covered in mines that threaten to sink you to the worst of human nature.
To sum this up and hopefully to make this less complicated. Don't become a rapist; don't become a serial killer rapist. Just take it easy. Don't stress too much. Try to get to know people. Have fun talking to them. Share your fears and vulnerabilities and thoughts. When it comes to having sex, just do what turns you on. She'll appreciate it. The goal is to be having sex with someone who you want to keep hanging out with, not do something that is going to make her never want to talk to you again.
We all have aspects of ourselves that we need to purge. And we can do it. That's why we're here. The fact that we're in these bodies and sex is a part of our existence is just part of the puzzle, part of the lesson, part of the test.
The fact that you're willing to try to discuss this as a good sign. It shows you have the capacity for self judgement.
FranLovers advice was very good.
"Just let go. All those desires, expectations, ambition, needs, they are soo heavy a burden to carry...just let them fall off, see how much lighter you feel."