Hi Nexians!

Here I am writing my intro to introduce myself to you - nexians. I'm newbie in psychedelics and most of my life thought that I will never try "chemical" drugs. I didn't know much about anything but weed, alcohol and tobacco, but I had quite firm opinion that "chemicals" are all evil and that I would never risk damaging my precious brain with that junk. So you might ask how did I got here? Some background below.

During my life I was always trying to be honest and expected from others to be the same - this is how my mom taught me. The expectation that others are good made me trusting people and led me to loosing all my honestly earned wealth and got me to over a decade of paying debts (I'm still paying them). Before loosing everything I had earned so much that I could buy at least 5 houses while I was still a student. I never expected that people can insidiously lie to you just to rob you. It was not one incident but a number of them - different situations including the government people who took off my last pants and i hated them so badly that i left the country.

After loosing everything I had to rethink what's wrong with me and my strategy - I thought it makes little sense that everyone is wrong but me. Various thoughts came to me, like: if in nature the strongest win, then maybe those bad people who took my wealth were stronger and therefore in this context they actually deserved my wealth more that me. So I should become stronger so that I could survive or else no mercy... But I could not step over myself, so I went looking for answers further.

Contemplating about the officially announced society norms vs society behavior revealed that most of the "truth" surrounding us is a blatant lie. People say things which just sound right, but in most cases are not applied in real life.

I lost the faith in social norms and figured that I need to figure out myself what is this - the world in which I live; what is the meaning and goal of life; how should I behave; why should I treat others honestly if this makes me weaker (in nature the weakest should not survive as otherwise weakness will be passed over to next generations and improvement will be impaired - it kind of makes sense, right?). I was fooled by people who were really stupid - much more silly than me. So how it comes they were winners and pushed me below the poverty line. So fundamental questions were raised as they were the foundations of my identity and defined my behavior: how I approach this life and the challenges within it.

I went looking for the answers. I was talking to people, but I found that mostly what people are interested in is insane - celebrities, politics, sports and religion. All these subjects are nothing more that just a show, a bloody lie. I guess I'm getting off-topic... What I try to say here is that I could not find any reliable source of answers to very important questions, therefore I needed to do something as they really bothered me for over a decade at this stage.

Meditation, yoga, pranayama, asking various people surrounding me - nothing really helped (not that they cannot help, it just didn't work for me due to lack of arguments).

Being desperate and depressed I went for more drastic approach - google searches revealed me the term "mind expanding drugs", specifically magic mushrooms or psilocybin mushrooms.

The homework research about Psychoactive mushrooms convinced me that they are not physically dangerous, won't burn my brain. As they grow in nature it also was okay with my "no chemicals" approach.

Without excessive knowledge about psylo mushrooms (I just figured that I shouldn't die) and as I had short holiday and it was the right season and region I rushed things: I searched in potential places until found them - I picked a big bag of Semilanceatas, crack dried them, weighed (24grams), powdered, poured ethanol over them. I had several jars of ethanol - 96% proof and another one which I diluted with water and believed to be about 70%. I might have mixed which is which as it was a while since I diluted ethanol and put both jars together to the shelf. So I poured one of the jar alcohol onto the powder, waited for some time, decanted the alcohol and started measuring using syringe and carefully in-taking them. I knew I need about 2g equivalent of dried stuff for an "effective" trip, but i needed to test if its not lethal first. So I tried small dose, cannot recall now how much that was - maybe something like 0.5g equivalent - the effect was none to barely noticeable - maybe a bit brighter colors.

Next day I increased the dose at least twice but still similar effect. I didn't dump the powder as I knew that due to rushing things it may still have "little bit in it", so it was saved.

After I got disappointed with ethanol extract I just poured vodka over the wet powder and left like for a week. I learned on internet that water is much better solution for psilocybin so I thought it might work better.

As my holidays were nearly ending I was rushing to give it a try once more. I heated vodka in hot bath for at least 30 mins to be sure the "vodka tea" takes the goods (if there are any), cooled it down. In-took a little dose and sat waiting, but due to my previous disappointment I was very impatient.

After 10 mins I thought "there's no magic or just very little bit - maybe the mushrooms are wrong - I wasn't certain. Previous tests didn't show signs of poisoning, the Semilanceata picking picture guide which I checked 50 times suggested that likely I picked the right mushrooms, picking handbook also noted that there are no lethally poisonous lookalike mushrooms which I might be mistakenly trying.

So feeling considerably safe I made this amazing decision - now or ... fuck it, I drank the whole vodka in one go ))) Oh my... if I only knew what I'm doing. I wasn't prepared. I never tried any "chemicals". I didn't read any articles how to approach it, I didn't know anyone who claimed trying magic. At that time I did not know that this is so huge. I really had no clue at all - I thought it will be like flickers or some moving of the objects or something blur. I never had any hallucinations therefore It was all very surreal to me - I could not even imagine what to expect. The biggest miss-expectation at that time was that I did not expect how much more real that will be comparing to the world I lived in. Oh boy...

I think I will leave the trip report out of this intro as it might take a lot of typing - experience was so big that after 4 months since It happened I'm still not completely recovered from shock. So here is just the short version of it: I got very bright colors, then the time scrambled, then I got very aroused and luckily had spouse to fuck, then during sex I felt that space(dimension) started scrambling and my body parts were all around the space and then I completely dissolved in space which was also not the combination of dimensions we know (time x height x width x length): there was no light nor darkness, no me nor not-me, no walls no objects, but it was not nothing. I was absolutely everything and everything was me. And I was sure I died. The death was apparent. Death was very obvious - I guess because I felt that experience just could not happen in this universe nor it could be anyhow experienced. At some point I think I lost my consciousnesses, but this was not faint - i mean the identity. At comeback from not being me moment my brain switched back on and it felt that certainly a moment back I was there but I was not me - later I related this to Samadhi (Zazen), but that's too much for this intro of how I got here

So when I got back to existence (still tripping, just the brain/ego/identity switched on) I felt that there is no way I can live anymore - that just don't make any sense as it is just an illusion. I didn't feel that I will ever be able to function - nothing made sense anymore nothing what may happen would really make any difference. The whole world we live in is too small to be bothered with...
I'll stop here as otherwise I will expand into another 10000 lines trying to express something what is outside of this world and cannot be described (however I learned tons just from the residue feelings and memories of the moment I resurrected back from the other world.

The experience was so unanticipated that i became frightened of the length and strength of the trip. During the experience I "met myself" in a way that It was enlightenment to me - I saw exactly who am I and how I treat everything and everyone. Not that I saw, it just poured as a spring of wisdom from within - it just became absolutely clear. And it was fairly judgemental towards me. I guess you can make an impression from the very intro on top that I'm a personality who is very confident that he is right in everything and knows very truth about the things which he knows. Suddenly it became very clear to me that it was an illusion and failure. I improved or lets say try to improve myself since as I saw me from very different perspective - how egoistic I am. And I'm very grateful just for that! But there is so much more that I received and still digesting.

Despite the fear, struggle, disorientation, de-motivation and other adverse things which I received from my accidental, uncontrolled, stupidly approached trip (due to not knowing how to do this right, i.e. set, setting and integration) I still feel that it is of an absolute value to me as I was really seeking to see truth - I was searching for it so long and I found it. And it shook me from the very foundations.

So after that disastrous - no point of return accident, I understood there is no way back to the matrix which I lived before, therefore the only option I was left with - I had to move forward. As I was afraid of mushrooms I researched more and found Terence McKenna talking about DMT. The trip is very short which perfectly fits into my very busy life - I have many dependents and need to work a lot. Sounds great, isn't it! So I found dmt-nexus.me - "a bunch of junkies" discussing how to get high. No insult here, this is just honest confession about how I would describe you previously - before I got in here, when i thought you're doing here "chemicals". Here I started reading articles and forum posts, talking in chat. I was surprised to learn that this forum is not (just) about recreational drugs, but rather about powerful mind expanding tools which need discipline and very specific approach. Something like a knife - you may easily and most likely hurt yourself if you take it without knowing how to handle it properly. Just as I did... The tool is complex and powerful.

Nexians appeared to be very friendly, loving and caring people, many of whom went through this amazing journey out of this fake reality we fool our-self in.

I also feel that after decade of my searches I actually found people with similar to mine interests; people with whom I can talk about something meaningful. It is clear to me that we are not doing drugs. We are researching the space beyond capabilities of our conventional thinking. Beyond the boundaries of the mind poisoned by the fake social norms which just fail as society do not apply them but just blindly lie to everyone around and judge others without seeing themselves in true color.

So my conclusion: I don't regret what I did - I was already stuck in a cull de sac and depression was lasting for quite a while and was going only worse. I also think that due to the potential damaging effects when wrongly approaching this tool, the people who know what this is all about should be very careful when deciding with whom they want to share it.

Giving psychedelics to someone without knowledge, instructions and guidance is like giving a glass dildo to retard: he will smash the glass-dick and cut his hands (just find this funny example how one can get a useful device and hurt self, sorry if its not funny or misunderstood).

Feel free to ask me if anything I need to clarify. Feel welcome to discuss the matters of my interest - I was looking for you for so long. Feel what i feel.

Welcome aboard captain! (thats a forum joke for ya lel)


Loved your first post quite a lot! Thank you for sharing that!!!

Looking forward to hear more about your insights and commentary on entheogens and the human (soul) experience in general!

Really found what you had to say to be relatable in many ways. I myself have also been searching for answers in one way or another since I was quite small.

Intention is important!

Welcome to the Nexus, pussypuffs!

i completely relate to your story. This fake life we live in. But dont forget (like you mentioned) we're all stuck in this "matrix reality" but as we become "awoke" it is an adventure alone, reorganizing your "ego" and past experiences, and decerning the truth for yourself.
Like you said, understanding what made you, you (past mistakes, decisions made) and then rising above yourself, to make the best possible decision.

Our biggest problem: what now? no one has direction, or knows how to "change the world" or better themselves. Start small. Start with yourself (i have a long way to go, we are all a work-in-progress).

Anyway, too many metaphors, i hope you follow.
Ill conclude with -> it all leads back to love.

If you loved your neighbor, you wouldnt harm them, cheat them, stral from them, lie to them.
If you loved yourself, you would recycle, work out, eat better, take care of yourself, your work space, your home.
If you loved "God" you would love his/her creation (yourself) and not harm the gift of this beautiful Earth/world, for which we revel in the breathe of life. be thankful.

Love you pussypuffs, and we'll see you somewhere in the Nexus.

Like alan watts implied, its really about what we do when we "hang up the phone" and go on after we gain the insights of entheogens.

When we hang up the phone we should "deliver the message" to ourselves and others in order to retain it.

Inner and outer dialog which is positive leads to a healthy spirit!

Cool !

I have the answer you have wandwered for; no one can fool you, you can only fool yourself...dont ever play yourself.

The one who is robbed need not panic, except that he or she must understand what skills make up understanding people...one must be a master psychologist and see people as they truly are. Not seeing the signs is not about trusting too much, but about trusting the wrong people--this is a failure of observation and awareness. If you do not understand people you live in total dillusion. Knowing others is knowing the self because there is only one brain: one mind. That is the mind...of...BEING, that is all. It is diffucult to know one self if you do not know others.

These things cannot be explained in detail. From one thing, know ten thousand things. When you attain the Way of strategy there will not be one thing you cannot see. You must study hard.

The one who steals from another is the weakling; he or she is weak in aptitude for virtue. He or she is poor and so needs to rob. No one is richer than the man or woman who needs nothing and who has a high aptitude for virtue.

Right view concedes knowledge. Lack of knowledge is the cause of suffering...lack of knowledge, that is all. That is all. No more

The Way of strategy is the Way of nature. When you appreciate the power of nature, knowing the rhythm of any situation, you will be able to hit the enemy naturally and strike naturally. All this is the Way of the Void

Welcome & thank you for sharing. Can completely relate to your experience of how psychedelics make you see through the veil of our constructed consensus reality. Psychedelics enable us to see our own "programming", but it may be wise to remember the Zen adage "Before enlightenment, carry water and chop wood, after enlightenment, carry water and chop wood." May your future journeys bring you closer to the source!

Many thanks for the support! That was quiet unexpected. I benefited from this forum a lot. Thanks!

Welcome, and congratulations on your rapid promotion. Your thoughtful, comprehensive introduction clearly helped!

I hope that you continue to benefit from what this forum has to offer.