Was it the best thing I've done?

Yes and no.

The "no" isn't related to the "best". It's related to "was". “Was” makes little sense because there is no time. Without time, saying "I've never felt better" means "I always did".

There are no teachers. When one is enlightened, one has no reason to talk.

What are the words? Words are to restore a broken connection. I feel I have to tell you something to let you know something. (What I tell you and what it makes you know aren’t always the same.)

Talking to you means I believe I know something you don't know.

When I feel or know, I am one with everything, to whom would I want to speak?

When one is talking to you, one sees imperfection. The imperfection doesn't have to be you. Sometimes, I talk to someone to understand myself.

I'm wondering if there was ever any other reason to talk.

No one can teach you what you don't already know.

When I get to understand something by talking, I only remove a filter from it.

The conclusion may or may not make my trip report pointless. The issue is that I can't tell you the part I want to tell you the most. I want to tell you the part I'm afraid I already forgot.

Let me try finding satisfaction in talking about the rest.

My rue was on its way from Iran. Where is it going to? Who knows. “I’m not Nostradamus”, to quote my loved one. I hope I will see it one day.

Patience has always been one of my best traits. When it seems otherwise, it’s only because I do everything else on an even higher level. Hence, I ordered a small package of rue from a local store too. I waited. Nothing happened.

It turned out I provided them with a mixed-up address. As far as I can tell you, it happened to me for the first time in my life. It was the store that asked me to check the address. Soon, I put on a second order at the last minute to still get it for the weekend. Not that I have weekends or working days. It’s the rest of the world that seems to follow a strange pattern.

For example, they didn’t read their emails for the rest of the day. Hence, they didn’t post my second package in time.

“A sober weekend, it is. I will survive”, I said.

“Can it be a way the world is telling me to wait with it?”

Saturday afternoon, after checking my empty letterbox several times, at a time when the Post could not be working, I found the first package in the letterbox that I don’t even know why I checked one more time.

They delivered it to me, outside of working time, even though the address was wrong.

“I get it. Everything must be interesting. I agree.”

I read about people who took 3-4 grams of rue and stayed alive. (That must be why they could still post on the forum).

Let me share with you a few details of me.

When I want to throw up, all I have to do is thinking about throwing up. Another method I trust is trying not to throw up.

A few years ago, I had an idea. I wanted to buy an annual ticket for every public transport in the country. I thought I could defeat procrastination and work on the train where there is nothing else to do. I considered it a bonus that I could see at least parts of the country I’ve chosen as my home as it was supposed to be beautiful.

Considering how expensive the annual ticket was, it would have made sense to try out the train at least once. I thought I did try it because I used to take a few stops on the smaller ones that stop multiple times inside the city.

Just before I would buy the annual ticket, I ended up on an intercity. I can’t travel for no reason. I was sitting on it as I wanted to buy a specific and rare audio electronics sold in a single store.

I remember the first time the intercity turned. I didn’t use the emergency brake only because I didn’t believe I could walk there and reach it. When the controller came, I already melted into the seat and was swimming in my sweat. I asked him if he had that medication that people who faint on the airplanes have to smell. He told me, “no”. He didn’t even laugh. I think he was a robot.

That’s one of the reasons I thought if I had to choose between taking too little rue and taking too much of it, I would prefer the former option. My daily amphetamine intake crossed my mind too. Yes, that’s my prescribed medication.

I went through the list of the people I would text and ask them to call the emergency for me in case I would want to do that but couldn’t execute it.

I find it comforting to fill my mind with such thought since there is little to zero place left for worrying about what happens if everything goes as planned.

Anyway, I had no idea how much 3.6g rue was. What shocked me was reading about people who ate 100-200 mg of spice on it. I decided to go with 69ron’s opinion, who wrote people need so much spice because they don’t take it together with the MAOI. Shamans know what they are doing, and they take them together.

I measured four times 20mg on four pieces of aluminum foil. I’m glad I did that way and didn’t have to play with the scale in the middle of the day.

What made me worry was the coke. I read that phosphate salt works better than freebase. (As soon as it’s solved it’s not salt anymore but I am not supposed to stay the same either).

A few weeks ago, I started my diet because mushrooms and maybe spice made me realize I might be a woman. Coke is full of sugar. You get the idea. Imagine meeting an entity from another dimension and telling them, “I like you, but sorry, I have to leave. I’m getting too fat when I come here.”

I was also not sure whether it had enough caffeine in it to make my first time MAOI ingestion worth to remember.

Besides, I avoid aspartame like the plague, but yesterday I considered going for it. (I read it only today how smart choice was not doing it). Also, I bought a glass of orange juice for the case I survive the coke+MAOI combo and want to drink something less harmful.

I ate 1 g rue. I was chewing it for a few minutes, I swallowed it, and I drunk the coke in the next moment. As being a perfectionist (the medical term is OCD), I flushed the glass with two additional small doses of coke I drunk as well.

“Time to rest for a bit”.

From this point, I’m not sure what happened when.

I remember lying in bed, and trying to put together a trip report in my mind about my first pharma trip. I remember trying to figure it out why it didn’t work.

After a while, I started to wonder for how long I might have been planning the report, and why on Earth have I been doing it in the first place. That was the moment I understood I was already on a trip.

Some of the experience might have been the rue. I read it could have a stoning effect. That’s also why I took only a little of it.

My body felt comfortable the whole day. I think 1g was more or less enough, and spice was near as strong as if I smoked it. It came slower, lasted longer, and was better. It was intense.

After one or one and a half an hour, I felt great. I sent a message to my girlfriend telling her I was okay. I took another half gram rue and another 20mg. Later, I took another gram rue with the remaining 40mg spice.

After tripping for many hours, eat something, and told my girlfriend about my experience. In the late evening, I took another 40mg with 1.2g rue. The last trip had little to zero visuals. I could blame the food, but it brought me a lot of insight and understanding. In the end, it added a lot to the day.

Before I try to tell you the part I can’t tell you about, and barely remember, let me talk about something else.

More or less anyone who ever tried to justify their substance use might know the following chart.

https://www.economist.co...main/20190629_woc294.png

(If the image is removed by the time you are reading this, you can google for "drugs harm chart".)

There are multiple versions of it that are similar but not the same. They come from various sources to make it even easier to believe it.

The question is why the most harmful and least enjoyable substances are legal all around the world (except for the Islamic ban of the alcohol), and the least harmful and most healing/enjoyable substances are prohibited the most.

One could say the society is not “adult enough” to understand it. Like if the concept was new. Is it new?

What about the Book of Genesis? (It’s the part where the Bible starts unless you hold it upside down, or you have a version of it from which the church didn’t remove the knowledge you seek right now).

The first man (Adam) and the second woman (Eve) could eat everything in the garden except the fruit of knowing good and evil.

What?

I mean, what?

And the book goes on, and it never tells you that God was Satan. Or something like that. It wasn't published on the 1st of April either.

Why on Earth would you want to punish someone for realizing the good and the evil? And how could you punish someone for anything who didn’t know what good and evil were? Last, but not least, how and why would you punish someone who did what you created them to do?

I’m questioning neither God or the Bible. I am shocked by how it’s not evident to everyone that “we” read it wrong. What makes me wonder even more is how wrong its translation may be.

I believe the Snake (serpent) is the Universe. I can’t prove it. I saw it. I saw it more than once. I see it almost every time.

If you think of it, the story of punishing the first human couple (human couple version 2.0) for gaining knowledge is like promoting a nerve toxin (alcohol) but forbidding DMT and mushrooms.

New story, isn’t it?

And what about Babylon? Being punished for seeking knowledge and trying to evolve?

Who is behind that force?

Even the argument, “it can be used for healing”, is annoying. I mean, in theory, if it had zero healing effect and only the possibility to discover parallel worlds and other dimensions, isn’t that alone enough reason to make it organized, obligatory, and a repeated event for everyone?

As for the healing, I’m unable to read a text that uses the expression “mother ayahuasca”. I see it. I stop.

I try to imagine a person who considers healing their profession, and who never thought about the possibility that the set of the people who need the healing the most might include individuals who don’t consider “mother” a reference to the most loving and caring entity of the existence.

Don’t get me wrong. I like plants. I love plants. Even those plants I like that I neither eat nor smoke. I talk to them.

I adore feminity, maybe more than you think.

It reminds me of a conversation with my health insurance company.

"Does my insurance cover when one has to go to therapy?"
"Well, when something bad happens, for example, a person’s parents die in a car accident, then yes, it does cover it".
"You know, most of the time, when people need therapy, they need it because their parents stayed alive."

As for healing, there is an option to stop trying to find a new parent and try to become an adult.

Ayahuasca may be a gift. She may be a living and loving being. That’s a reason to respect it or respect her. Putting labels on her isn’t a form of respect, especially not if you don’t feel it true.

There are a lot of loving women out there who are not your mother. If your mother is the most loving one, there are still many more loving women who are not your mother.

We have access to a substance that shows us the world beyond the known reach of the human, and what do we do about it? “We” try making it a human.

If you want to heal, try becoming your parent. As far as I can tell you, ayahuasca will help you get there faster than you think.

You can also get there without it. Or her.

In the end, it’s you who do it. Everything you need is already inside you.

DMT does not exist.

The quantum field does not exist.

It’s a dream.

The Universe is playing and experiencing. It’s changing itself. That’s what we sense as “time”. Yet the Universe is a fractal, and every part of it contains the whole. Everything that exists always existed and ever will.

I was wondering why people meet entities and talk about ego-death.

The only creature I meet there is me. I realize I’m the Universe. It would be neither my first nor my second definition of “ego-death” to realize I’m everything.

Or maybe it is. Regardless of how arrogant it may sound here, on Earth, the feeling that you are the Universe couldn’t get farther from it. Being arrogant is a way to compete. It’s to defeat others.

When you are everything, there is no one to defeat. There is no one to compete with.

I felt nothing like “Wow, that’s cool. I’m so proud of myself!”

(For being it)

It was more like a feeling called “responsibility”. It’s not accurate as I always had my doubts about the possibility of free will. It’s accurate in another way, though. I felt like it’s up to me how I am shaping the life or the dream. Whatever it is.

Besides, it seems there are rules. It might be me who created the rules. The point is they seem to exist. Maybe I could change them if I understood them. Maybe, when I am there, I don’t want to change anything.

Does the Universe need rules, even if they are self-defined, to keep it existing? Does the Universe need anything?

You see, I’m back on Earth. I have questions. Where I was, there were neither answers nor questions.

Why don’t we have a word for infinity? Infinity is not a stand-alone word but the negation of finite. The only way we can express infinite is expressing what it is not. The “endless”, “limitless,” and “unlimited” are the same story.

One can argue humans have no word for it as they couldn’t experience it. (Or, when they experience it, they don’t try to come up with new words.)

So, what about the word “perfect”?

(Note that “perfect” might be different. The word “free” is not. “Free” itself is the negation. Being free denies connection to anything. It denies the significance of the rest of the existence.)

There was a short moment, maybe a few seconds that already happened to me on the golden teacher. It was like if I were lying or floating somewhere, maybe in a hospital, with electrodes on my head or inside my brain, and I started waking up. Someone tells me something that I interrupt and finish myself.

“Yes, I know. I signed up for the experiment. I know I agreed.”

Then I am back.

That few-seconds vision makes me feel a bit unsure about the rest of what I saw.

I learned yesterday that flaws exist to cultivate creativity.

Art is when the creativity stops being a method of problem-solving and starts existing for joy.

Whatever the Universe is, it likes creativity. It likes it when it’s interesting. It’s playing.

And it can look like a snake, or a serpent, with the most beautiful patterns on its “skin” I have ever seen. It’s full of beauty. Such an unearthly beauty that made my mind explode and laugh into eternity.

There is no way to describe it.

I’ve had never been that happy.
I’ve always been that happy.
They are the same.

Thank you for this post!

Mostly, I do not talk about what I experience when I trip. Simply because I don't have the words to describe the essence. I could try to describe what I see, but that's not the relevant part - it's what I feel and observe/understand.

The part from "In the end, it's you who does it. Everything you need is already inside you." up to the end is very close to how I'd say it if I could.

Thats totally brilliant.



Why obligatory? Some people dont want it in their lives. But I agree with the point your making, totally =)




Well, I would imagine that someone who feels like a woman is absolutley in love with feminimity. So maybe I think you adore feminimity more than you think I think.

On a sidenote, I noticed this

.

maybe I can point towards some books which may help you satisfy that side of your intelect? It is Transactional Analysis and it looks at the ego states (adult, parent, child.) Maybe you know about it !? =)

If not its a shot in the dark, but most people who discover transactional analysis are generally shocked at how much it resonates with them. In my oppinion this branch of psychology has produced very beneficial books with no nonesense, all of it is about healing and learning.



This is so true !! Not just flaws, but strife, challenges, etc. Jesus, budah, you and me, we grow in strenght of soul by resisting temptations.

What this truth shows is that we need temptation and evil thus to rise up tp the challenge of denouncing it, and head towards love, light, and truth in its stead.





It makes me cringe too, but because its generally those ugly comercial articles or shows that hype psychedelics which refer to it in weird labels like that.

But actually this term comes for the south american term, in quechua, which means Pachamama, which is mother earth--and Aya is an extension and connection to that. Its obvious why people would identify Aya with this world godess.




In my oppinion freedom denies attachment to the rest of existence, which does not mean denying existence because the greatest generosity is non-attachment.




Again the Pachamama, but also; many people may be traumatised or have had bad childhoods, thats what the expert psychologists of the world first try to see in the person he or she is figuring out.

But most people will consider Mother the ultimate reference to love and care. Cinderella didnt have a mom or dad but she had a Fairy God Mother...

Also they dont use "healing" as in "we are fixing broken people." The greatest medicine is the emptiness of everything. Thats why we call DMT a medicine.



Perhaps, perhaps...





As far as ‘all dharmas’ are concerned, Subhuti, all of them are dharma-less. That is why they are called ‘all dharmas.’
Those so-called ‘streams of thought,’ Subhuti, have been preached by the Tathagata as streamless. That is why they are called ‘streams of thought.’
‘All beings,’ Subhuti, have been preached by the Tathagata as beingless. That is why they are called ‘all beings.’

~~Directly from the Diamond Sutra.


According to David Kalupahana the goal of the Diamond sutra is "one colossal attempt to avoid the extremist use of language, that is, to eliminate any ontological commitment to concepts while at the same time retaining their pragmatic value, so as not to render them totally empty of meaning."

Kalupahana explains the negation of the Diamond sutra by seeing an initial statement as an erroneous affirmation of substance or selfhood, which is then critiqued ("'all dharmas' are dharmaless" ), and then finally reconstructed ("that is why they are called 'all dharmas'" ) as being conventional and dependently originated.

Kalupahana explains this final reconstruction as meaning: "that each concept, instead of either representing a unique entity or being an empty term, is a substitute for a human experience which is conditioned by a variety of factors. As such, it has pragmatic meaning and communicative power without being absolute in any way."

~~On the Diamond Sutra


Good luck on further trips to hyperspace and please procure to stay safe! I wish you pece and love

I agree in general. It’s like if you could see the UV light for a day. You could see it not like through a UV camera that translates it to visible-to-human-eye light. You could see it as a new color. You would also have a camera that can capture it, and a printer that can print it.

The next day, you would look at the photo, and you wouldn’t see it. You could remember bits of it.

However, the more often it happens, the more you remember. And if it happens to me too, I will understand what you are talking about.

On the other hand, it’s not only about what I can tell. It became also about what I want to tell.

New insights:

There aren’t black holes. There is only one black hole.

(On another level, there are zero black holes. I wonder about the need that created one.)

What scientists see (more like, imagine) as multiple black holes are how the black hole enters into the physical world. It’s "around" it or "next" to it.

What happens if you enter the black hole? You regret it. It takes a while to get out. You can’t even think there.

How can you jump into the black hole? They are far away.

You don’t jump into it. It’s enough to accept it. The black hole is when creation stops.

Most people are programmed to desire death. They are scared of it to the core, yet they want it. If you doubt it, ask them. Possible reasons: that’s how evolution work (more like, seemed to work), or it’s the result of the fact the one consciousness is eternal. And here we are with zero black holes. Even light and darkness belong to the creation.

Most of the things around you (your phone, your dishwasher, your medication or vitamins) were invented by people who want to live forever. Alchemists had two main goals. Making gold and finding the way to live forever. Practical and applied science (chemistry, physics) is the evolution of alchemy. People who invented Tesla (the car) and Windows also want to live forever.

There are only more entertaining forms of darkness than the black hole.

I saw part of an alien statue that looked feminine. It or she was black and gold. Either she or those who built it decided to throw everything into the black hole that was not gold. In the end, only gold remained. She or it was built of gold and darkness. So beautiful. (I could see only the legs or what something that looked like legs. Maybe it was an abstract form. It also reminded me of something you would expect to see when you meet a god from Egypt.)




All my life, I have been into psychology. Everyone, who is into it, trying to heal themselves in the first place. Even the best therapist, who help others, did it for this reason. Dr. Gabor Mate wrote that "One who didn’t have a serious issue can’t be a good therapist. But one who didn’t solve theirs also cannot". (Not word by word. Summary from me.)

One of my favorite subjects was and still is Jung’s theory about the anima/animus, and the shadow.

Psychology can take you far, and that point can be in the right direction. Then, it’s possible to stop "blaming" an external force, such as past, nature, laws, or a god. Although, it might be the decades of psychology that made me able to get there. Also, blaming is the wrong word. It makes sense to find the reasons when one wants to solve problems. What I mean is once one is beyond that phase, the next step might be looking forward.



We need imperfections to exist the way we see it. Perfection is singular. The possibilities come from imperfection. (Which becomes perfection for this reason. Paradoxes are coming.)



During the week, I had the "choice" whether I wanted god(s) to exist or not. (I suppose we agree that the ultimate loving mother is also a kind of god.)

Once, it was a shapeless white light about which I knew nothing. Yesterday, I saw four gods. They were giant compared to me. That’s a strong statement as I was the Universe.

They were dancing in the darkness. Maybe there was a fire in the middle, or next to them. They seemed to be in a trance.

I was no "match" for them, but I could "choose" if I wanted them to exist, or if I wanted them to be the creation of my mind (as a dream).

Both times, I went for the latter option. I wanted freedom. I’m not telling you I could decide whether god, gods, or other universes existed or not. The question was only how I wanted it to be. "For now", if that makes any sense. I wanted freedom.

All my life, when I said I wanted to be a god or god, people seemed to freak out. Not everyone. Only the vast majority. I guess they thought when I said I wanted to be god, I wanted to win every legal case at the court, or have no speeding tickets, or "make bad people suffer", or bring my version of justice, or something like that.

All I ever wanted was learning, creating, and loving everything. (And one more thing above the rest.)



100%



There are therapists who say any "drug" use is self-medication. I tend to agree. You can see in my post history I wrote to someone who stopped drinking that they should also stop feeling guilty and blaming themselves because it was self-medication. Although, it was the wrong one. As soon as they find what they wanted to heal, they can heal it for real.

My concerns about the mother aspect might come from my relationship with freedom or dependence and blaming external forces (or expecting their help). I received a lot of love from wonderful people. You can accept it only when you love yourself too. Even if it’s a sparkle in the beginning.

Now, if I wanted to help someone heal themselves, I would do my best to help them love themselves. And psychology is totally useful. It’s just there is more.



That’s where it gets interesting. To me, Buddhism always seemed a religion for people who wanted to die. I am aware there are thousands of schools of it, and Nirvana means something else, as they say. Except for no one could tell me what Nirvana might be. (As far as I know, one should not desire to know it. It might be a poor summary though. The fact is that I had not yet found any insight into Nirvana.)

This week, I found a video from Alan Watts. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aLg4AV60uWY

I didn’t know him before. Many parts of it I found brilliant. The conclusion is an exception. I see it as another manifestation of what I wrote in my previous post. Most people are programmed to believe in death, even if they are scared. In my eyes, the idea of cycles of light and darkness is just another form of accepting it while trying not to accept it.

There are other possibilities of looking at light and dark. (In case we want to turn back to dualism and get lost in it.)

Darkness is what you want, what you desire, what you imagine. It’s pleasure, secrets, and the unknown. Light is what keeps you alive when you dive in darkness. It’s what pulls you back, what cares about you.

As I’m writing this, I see it not arguing with Alan Watts. More like, confirming it. The difference is, his darkness is the opposite of existence. It’s kind of "pausing existence". The general concept of darkness is destruction.

I see darkness as pure sexuality. It’s the most alive force. It’s the reason for existence.

(Okay. I admit it’s still not conflicting that much with what Alan said in the video. He spoke about that a blank page is needed for creation. How should I express it? Let’s say, in my darkness, one is awake.)



My shaman is the remote controller for the light in the room. It’s not a metaphor. I can turn on the light. I think the light doesn’t necessarily help on a mushroom trip due to the open eye hallucinations (although the worst mental part of my mushroom overdose was the thought that I wasted two portions of it, and the worst physical parts were I could not move to turn on the heating or drink water. These were two meters from me).

The light might not help with, let’s say, paranoia caused by THC.

On pharma, I open my eyes, and everything is so beautiful. I see the world as it is, except for it seems to be virtual reality, and more beautiful than usual. I feel safe.

That’s with my optimal dose of pharma. With my optimal dose of vaped DMT, I doubt I could turn on the light, and open my eye. However, since I tried pharma, I see no reason to vape it. I need the same amount. It’s around 40mg. The best result seems to be if I take it as 20 + 20 (an hour later).

If I take more, the same happens as it was on mushrooms. I see fewer visuals that are less pleasing and come with less understanding. There is no sense in it. I tried 50mg maybe twice.

It seemed to be that the optimal state is when your consciousness is scattered enough to be able to grasp or accept the chaotic and untamed form of the Universe that exists with minimal rules, but it’s still functioning enough to make you feel you exist, and you are okay. It’s like letting it drive your spaceship while still knowing you are on a spaceship.

On the other hand, it’s about integrity. There was a long time in my life that THC made me paranoid about 80% of the time I used it. I’m glad I did not try DMT in that period.

So far, I was scared only right after I drunk it. My fear was the creation of my normal state of mind. That must be why I prefer having some dark cloth on my closed eyes instead of making the room totally dark.

As soon as the dark demons appeared (with black teeth and face without eyes, yesterday), I told myself, "wow, this will be interesting". They went away.

My point is, if I take this amount, I am fine alone. If I take more, even if someone helps me, it will not be better. It won’t even be more intense but broken.

The optimal amount of my vaped DMT is more intense. I would not call it better. I like its neon lights tough. I like the understanding that comes with pharma even more. Also, walking around on pharma is wonderful.

I might try vaping a low dose after taking MAOI. I don’t feel the urge.

Maybe I am writing this because I read at least ten pages that said, "Never try it alone!!!". They came with horror stories. I think those pages might be valid reasons why people freak out later. They expect it to happen. I also expected it, and still can, but it happens when I am not there.



From this point, I have to learn first to understand what you wrote. It’s exciting. I will do it as soon as I can. Thank you, FranLover

Have a wonderful day