Immediate mood: Feelings of severance.
I wasn't too strict about the MAOI food rule, though there's only a slim chance that I ate anything on the list of foods to avoid. (I had yellow duck curry earlier.) I was minorly prepared to participate in psychedelics because today would be the best time to fit in my life.
It was the first time trying a harmala mix (harmine, harmala, THH)
I didn't vape DMT, I vaped something different called NMT + Metta Molecule
The description of this combo was that it's supposed to feel like glittery rainbow bliss
Harmala relaxed me a bit. Tbh I felt woozy. I played a meditation video while I let the harmala sit sublingually, but I don't think I was able to get the full effect of the meditation because the harmala was so gd bitter. Also, my heart was like a floating piece of driftwood, kinda neutrally lifeless.
NMT + MM .. the effect was insanely close to my first DMT trip.
A lot of colorful patterns moving around everywhere, rapidly. There were two sounds too, almost like a low rumbling and a low rattle, kind of like hearing a train approaching from far away.
I saw a lot of things that are impossible to recall, mostly because they weren’t that appealing or meaningful. It felt like a dream-state. None of it felt impactful or real. A recurring theme on this trip was industrial material. I feel like it was a reflection of my sort of lifeless practical, piercing type of energy. I wonder if I identify with steel or something, because steel shapes were emerging from everything - the center of the earth, the center of my heart, the world around me, gears turning, mechanical instruments moving around anywhere I wanted to look. So I then willed myself to soften and be more lifelike - so I started forcing a flower to grow out of the steel, and after a few attempts, it finally landed. The flower grew and grew, then there were hundreds and thousands of these white puffy flowers that started covering all the machinery.
My interpretation of this: Damn. My trip is entirely limited by MY OWN IMAGINATION.
I was kinda hoping that psychedelics would improve my imagination, and it kind of does, but I'm also learning that my trip is entirely limited by it at the same time.
After that, I began really honing in on imagining meaningful things. I tried imagining my lost pet bird, but the trip tore that image to shreds. I also tried imagining wealth, opportunities, elevating energy, tearing the sky apart. I saw planes and axes. Oh, and I actually DID see like swirling pink streams of glitter when I smoked the NMT+MM! But… in the end, none of it was quite meaningful.
Actually, a part of me wonders if I’m just not the kind of person who has access to that side of things. I also want to do things with a shaman more than on my own. Also….
I feel like, deep down, I was hoping that psychedelics would help me resolve this incessant feeling of emptiness and aimlessness. But I’m starting to believe that psychedelics really just behaves like a mirror, and any time of empty aimlessness I feel will just be reflected back at me.
Also, makes me wonder about a Creator God again. A sort of shepherd and overseer of my soul, reminding me that there’s another way to have that deep feeling of meaning.
P.S. I’m probably not going to give it up psychedelics anytime soon. Will prob continue pushing that envelope for a while until I get a hard redirection.
ETA: Pretty sure I didn't break through, this was prob like a first-phase of a low-dose, knowing my capacity. No ego-death experience. Though, at this point, I wouldn't be surprised if that's the end for me because I don't have much of a self-identity in the first place.
ETA2: I also had a vision where I was a fiery fire bird coming from the sun to protect humanity from whatever energies were attacking it. I distinctly remember thinking: "What if I'm not actually human?" (Is this type of imagery where people with mental illness can become delusional?)