I am a recovering addict putting my life back in order after one hell of a relapse. I had over two years under my belt where I only used cannabis, psychedelics and my prescribed methadone. Not long ago I went through a horrible experience that felt like it was ripping my heart into a million fucked up little pieces, and used this as an excuse to tie one on.

I got loaded up, down and sideways. This caused real problems in my life, made things way worse. For a little while I thought every day about checking out early, it was an idea I could not leave alone. Silly, really. I love my life, I just hated the pain I was going through. I just used and drank more and more every day to try and kill it all. Numb up a little. Not feel.

Halloween morning things came to an ugly head and I went to jail. Was busted with 100 benzos in my pocket. In a way I'm kind of grateful, if I had kept it up like I was I may not have been here to write this. Definitely a wake up call.

It's been a little over a month now. Have stopped drinking. Have stopped smoking cannabis. Have stopped everything else besides my daily dose of methadone, nightly harmalas and spice, and the occasional cactus trip. Each night before my smoalk I set an intention to heal and to grow.

My choice to relapse fucked up my life. I am determined to put it back together. It feels like back to square one all over again, but so be it, that's way better than wallowing in my own misery.

If you can relate and/or have any advice I am all ears. Thank you guys for being here for me when I was falling apart.

Always here for you.
Love and respect to you.

Been down this road. Not to the degree you have, but all the same in the end to me, we often walk similar paths. If you ever need to vent or talk just PM me.

Do you plan to taper off the methadone at some point?

Love ya tatt, but this comment reads as shaming. Methadone is one of the most studied drugs in existence, and using it in MAT has been consistently shown to be the most effective route out of opiate addiction. The lifestyle of a typical opiate addict leads to upwards of a 75% mortality rate among them, and anything that can reduce that should be embraced by a community and it's members who promote the concept of "harm reduction", which is a stated mission of this site.

People who take their self-care seriously and take the big step to get themself onto a MAT program really don't need anymore negative reinforcment and shaming of their decisions. I'm not sure if you meant it that way, but it is something to consider as the words have power.

T6S, sorry you are going through it. Get back up and back on, you've done it before. Relapse isn't *neccessarily* failure (especially if you survive ), it is learning, and a new key to freedom.

We hear alot about the s0-called 'opiate crisis' but next to nothing about benzos. Police in Portland OR have stated that they have not made a seizure in over 4 years here of a legit Xanax, EVERY SINGLE sample are self-pressed or imported pills containing a pharmaceutical cornucopia of dangerous drugs- including fentanyl. Very few samples of heroin (we don't get white powder heroin here, it is all Mexican tar in the West) have been seized according to local LEO containing fent; although there have been a number of fatalities here. It is coming here via the fake benzos. Another aspect of this invisible crisis is the proliferation of Chinese liquid benzos on the street like etizolam, and T6S, for the sake of your life stay away from that crap.

I have lost over a dozen people in the last 10 years to fatal ODs. Not one of them only died from heroin- every one of them died with benzos in their systems.

Sorry, that wasn't my intention. Just a question. No personal oomph from my end on posing the question, no personal qualms. No shaming, no guilt trip, no nothing. Just a question. I understand that words have power, but that can go for the receiver just as much as for the person saying the words.

Been down this road, like I said. I'll leave it at that.

My thoughts are that if someone can use an adjunct/maintenance drug paired with trying to get themselves healthy - physically, mentally, over the course of their life - then that's excellent, a worthy (& continual/ever-changing) end goal. I know this is easier said than done, and everyone varies. It can take incredible sacrifice and concerted effort. Once again, speaking from many years of experience (as I know you are null24).

Anyway, not to divert. Tony like I said, if you ever want to talk, I'm here.

* Edited my op, the million dollar question thing was unnecessary.

Nightly DMT?

If it's working for ya I won't fault it, but I would suggest it might not be a bad idea to lay off all possible substances for at least a few weeks (I understand the methadone will probably need to remain, but I assume that's being given in measured doses for maintenance). I would include caffeine and social media as well (turn off those dopamine dropping notifications).

Are ya consistently getting a good night's sleep? Getting enough exercise? Water is clean? Plenty vegetables in the diet? Grounding into healthy living and creating a strong routine to fill that free time is one of the best preventative measures against relapse, idle hands and all that.

Thank you for sharing your story and please do keep us up to date on how it goes for ya. I am curious what results you are getting from the daily DMT, could you expound a bit more on that?

Thank you everyone for your replies and encouragement. I will try to explain myself the best that I am able.

Tatt, regarding getting off of methadone. I've been a maintenance patient for six years now. During this time the incidence of relapse on heroin or other opiates has been nearly none. Since I have been on clinic, when I have slipped it has almost always been on something else (benzodiazepines, meth, alcohol are the main ones which come to mind). This kind of track record was without precedent in my life before methadone maintenance. Nothing else has proven as effective at taking the monkey off my back in such a complete way (suboxone and kratom get honorable mention). For these reasons, I imagine I will remain on methadone for the duration. Really though, who knows? I change my mind about things all the time. I could feel completely different a decade down the road. By the way thanks for chatting with me the other night about sublingual harmalas.

Null24, yes there is lots of press about the opiate crisis. I know our clinic has remodeled for expansion within the last couple years. Sometimes it feels like standing room only. Etizolam was what I had a pocket full of when I got busted, yes they are bad news. Yes all of the dope here is brown. I've only seen white heroin once in my life, when a friend brought back a bundle from the east coast. First time I ever copped myself was at the Skidmore Fountain MAX stop, under the Burnside bridge. Seems like a lifetime ago. Don't miss it for the world. Love my life free from the stuff and only wish the same for anybody struggling with addiction.

Dreamer042, I've been giving lots of thought to my nightly smoke of dmt. During my first year working with the spice, I smoked very little. I had pre flight jitters/anxiety like crazy. Maybe smoked once every couple months, sometimes more. I would tell myself day after day, "Ok, today I will smoke dmt." More often than not I would let my fear get the best of me, I would not partake, usually I just smoked a bunch of cannabis oil instead as was my routine. During this recent bout with substance abuse and depression, I loaded the pipe one night, for the first time in months. My thinking was "Fuck it, hyperspace can't hold anything worse for me than what is happening in the real world." I broke through and had one of the most beautiful trips ever in life. I was comforted and loved by whatever is on the other side of the pipe in ways I could never begin to explain. It made me excited again about working with the molecule. From then on I smoalked a little more often, couple times a week or so. It's only been a few weeks that I smoke some most nights (there are some nights I skip, such as Thanksgiving when I was full enough to burst and did not feel much like travelling). I feel like I am going through what people call the honeymoon phase. I've geared up with two awesome pipes which make it a pleasure to administer the spice (GVG and Healthstone spoon). Have been throwing myself into extractions because I really enjoy the work, probably just as much as I enjoy smoking the stuff. I trust that if I am smoking too much or in wrong ways for the wrong reasons, I will be shown, instructed, corrected. In the meantime I am very much enjoying my honeymoon phase with the spirit molecule. How often do you partake? Did you ever go through a period of daily use?

Regarding diet and exercise, and rest. I am trying to put on weight because I had really let myself waste away. I am 6'2" and had let myself dwindle down to 155 lbs. Had not weighed so lightly since I was an early teenager. So. I've been drinking milkshakes like crazy. Go through a gallon of ice cream like nobody's business. Drank one while writing this post, when I finish I will have another. Cookies and cream is my favorite gallon at the moment. Favorite overall is Tillamook hazelnut and salted caramel, but they don't sell it by the gallon. Also have eaten lots of steak nachos. Sub sandwiches. Veggies drowned in Lighthouse blue cheese. Sour Punch straws and twists. Sour Spaghetti. 😈 I love sour candy. Soup, I love soup with pork rinds floating in it. Pecan pie covered in whipped cream (had it for thanksgiving and now it has become a staple in our home). I'm up to 165. My goal is 180. Exercise, I walk outdoors on a daily basis. I also play guitar daily, which is more physical exercise than one might think at first. Rest is great, I sleep well most nights.

Again, thanks so much everyone for your support. I love this forum, Nexus is the very best, I am so grateful to be a member. Thanks for being a part of my recovery today.

It does sound like it's working well for you right now and your approach to it is responsible and beneficial. Indeed, work it if it works!

I did go through a honeymoon phase at first, and honestly one of the most beneficial and productive periods of my life was the period when I was smoking changa as a daily morning meditation. It's interesting that your honeymoon came so much later, most people go hard at first and slowly back off, but it seems you kinda went the reverse starting slow and building up. I very rarely smoke DMT these days, I generally prefer to take mushrooms or drink ayahuasca, but I am grateful the pipe is there and recognize that every so often it's time for another reminder and I gotta take the tuff puff.

Lotta junk food listed there, that can be helpful in putting on weight, but gotta balance out with the heavy physical activity. Muscle weighs moar than fat afterall. The reason I bring it up in the first place is that food is an addiction too, and it is a much more deeply rooted level of change to address. If you can get off processed sugar, narcotics ain't no thang.

Sounds like everything else is on point. Good lifestyle, good hobbies, good on ya.

T6S- we are basically neighbors, reach out anytime...

Skidmore fountain....yikes... Yes, my thanksgiving was occupied with gratitude for what I DON'T have to do today.

Keep up the good fight. You got clean before, you can do it again.

I joke about cigarettes and cocaine occasionally: “quitting smoking is easy- I’ve done it nine times”

Not my joke though I forget who to credit.

Point is: addiction is a mess and a hard row to hoe. A big virtual hug to you, you deserve to be free of it.

Every time I pick up the tablet and see headlines about more people killed in some senseless shooting, I feel grateful to be alive and determined to not piss it away.

You didnt had a choice brother.. Its just an illusion.. You cant control life.. And if you cant control never judge yourself.. How could you! I mean...

You werent done with this part so you needed to go through it again.. Thats fine.. Now your back.! Just start over fresh and cultivate some more clarity this time and stay in that clarity always prepared as a warrior for whatever that life throws at you..

Been an opiate addict for 8+ years.

Been using only kratom and some poppy as my maintenance drugs (as an alternative to mdone or bupe) for a few years now with only minor slip ups on fentanyl/"heroin".

Last use of "street dope" was about a month ago, turns out one day I went into a black out and unknowingly told on myself to one of my close friends which he confronted me about later on when I was not blacked out.

I had no idea I blacked out and told him anything and the situation scared me so much I decided to make some drastic changes in order to remove myself from the "scene" as it were.

Ever since then things have been good, its no use to beat yourself up for relapsing when youve been a junkie as long as I have.

Its not about how you fall its about how you get back up, since that happened things have been going quite fantastic for me regardless.

Always looking to talk with fellow addicts and be aware of what we share, addicts helping addicts can do things which can not happen when a non-addict tries to help an addict.

We truly do have a special connection.

Best end of the year wishes to you old pee and all the rest of you'z'z out there in deemz-land.

Thanks again everyone for your support, it means much to me.

Cactus Man, my heartfelt best wishes and hopes for your recovery. We can do this, man!!

Back at you captain! Its all about how we pick ourselves up when we fall. Just remember how irrational and out of control we become when we put those hard drugs into our bodies.

I was so upset and embarrassed that I blacked out on fent and went into my job to tell on myself that when my friend brought it up later on to me I was so shaken and disturbed that I had no memory of doing that that i cried profusely.

Telling on myself like that to the person I did was the best thing I could have done and I didnt even know I did it, the person I told is not an addict or alcoholic and has had no exposure in life to any of that other than from me (for the most part).

As I got to be a more experienced addict I learned that it really is completely and utterly inappropriate to expose non-addicts to myself if im in active addiction (not just maintenance use which for me doesnt get me high).

When I relapsed I didnt use or be around anyone during that time who was not a junkie and I thought I was hiding it actually, turns out its impossible for me to hide no matter what and that fact helped show me how truly out of control I am and always will be when it comes to such a thing.

I have no control when I use hard opiates/opioids. I can not think or behave rationally and I can not be "safe" or in control of myself.

Thus its not really even a choice, I must not use those things anymore because I have a lot which needs attending to in my life and I have a choice to make between what is good for me and what is bad for me.

I choose what is good for me, I choose to be in control of my actions.

Lou said it best brother, "your gonna reap just what you sow".

T6S- dude, whoever did your new Avatar is a bad-ass!

Indeed! Like this one very much Null.