Brother, setting all of these outside goals as the prerequesite to your validation/survival like this may be a way to explain why you feel unsatisfied in your everyday life.
Let me explain what I mean. I went through many years of my youth feeling similar to the way you describe-- I resented the world and myself because I couldn't catch a break-- nothing good ever *happened to me*.
I was not popular with women, locked in my own head all the time, and found solace only with music that I loved and gaming. I blamed it all on what *happened to me* but never looked further, because the comfortable nature of blame and victim-hood allowed me to safely avoid changing up my life in new ways-- I literally wallowed in my sorrows...for years. And let me tell you-- I experienced some violent and life-altering events. I am not some pampered suburbanite that is stressed because he didn't get some free-ride scholarship or whatever modern scenario you'd like to insert.
Let me try to help you.
You purposefully self-denigrate yourself by calling yourself low-IQ while writing in a clearly intelligent manner. That's sign one that you wear misfortune as part of your outward-facing identity/mask-- yu arn't teh dum. Don't use that crutch, because it isn't for you to use.
Telling us you have had "kind of a fucked life" says you are still at a disadvantage because of your past.
Why?
Telling us you have had "quite dysfunctional family" says you are still at a disadvantage because of your past.
Why?
Telling us you have "potential mental illness" says you either don't choose to define actual mental illness through seeking help with the many networks that are there for you, or don't know the difference between mental illness and being sad because of an unfulfilled lifestyle.
Both of these scenarios can be improved and/or eliminated-- they just require changes and decisions of one sort or other... which seems to say again that you say you are still at a disadvantage because of your past.
Why?
Telling us you have had "poor decision making" says you are HUMAN.... and again, still at a disadvantage because of your past.
Your life has been a rut, lonely and unfulfilling for years. That ended as soon as you read the period at the end of this sentence.
Save your money on this ceremony with Ayahuasca my friend, because you may not benefit from it. Not right now. Not in denial, anyway. Aya will rock you or coddle you, or both... but it won't do anything to change the past-- unless you as the vessel your life are in a truly prepared mindset to leave yesterday behind and find all the excitement that is laying around in a million tomorrows. To learn FROM YOURSELF-- not Aya.
The hipster new-age "Aya-as-Savior-Miracle" is marketing and promotion. Is it amazing? Absolutely-- as is DMT, Mushrooms, Cactus, and more. But change follows their use when the user was already changing inside. Read the ccounts of One-and-Done horror trip reports on psychedelics. If you are not ready, if you are in a genuinely bad place, then you should stay away from all of these plants until you feel the true hope of life, and let them then help you experience that joy.
In the mean time, you need to listen *differently* to what's happening in your life today, and start making intelligent decisions to fly INTO tomorrow, instead of being chained down by all of your shitty YESTERDAYS.
Look-- for each of us it's different-- but there are always influences in our lives that keep us from moving forward-- and unless you're trying to play guitar with your ass-cheeks, your goals are attainable.
Your life is the sum total of what it's been up to this minute-- but let me tell you, that sum can change dramatically in the positive with what become (in hindsight, which you love) remarkably easy changes.
I have taken Aya myself over a dozen times, mushrooms nearly a hundred or so, and DMT thousands of times. From my tiny corner of that personal experience, it has ranged from euphoric, magical transcendence to a nightmare horror locked in time alone and ravaged.
Punch that ticket if you want to-- but I would personally think about extremely modest efforts with just caapi tea alone first (or Syrian Rue, which is dirt cheap and very similar in effect) as an MAOI (assuming you take no meds that can interact with these).
Build a relationship with these plants before diving into something unknown with people unknown using unknown strenth plants next to people you don't know doing the same thing.
I find harmalas relax and mellow my tension, allowing for a kind of gentle, almost hypnotic reflection... and I have found this, combined with good music to free my worries and really think about what I seek to work on.
Who knows if a full-on Aya trip would do that for you, but if you're lucid enough to state everything you have for us, you already know at least part of the answers that are "eluding" you - you just have to make some changes to the scenery in your life and start living better for yourself and put them into perspective.
Psychedelics are important, and they've changed my life for the better. I am a fan-- but I want you to make sure you're a fan of YOURSELF before jumping into the deep water hoping for some Hail-Mary salvation that they write about on popular blogs... you deserve better.
freshfaz93 wrote:Hi all, hope everyone is doing well. Don't know where to start really but excuse me in advance if the post is a bit too long, I just really need some help and don't know where to turn. So I suppose I've had kind of a fucked life, quite dysfunctional family, potential mental illness, paranoia, low iq and very poor decision making to name a few. Almost everyday of my past 10 years of existence have been dark. So I'm turning to ayahuasca next week for one ceremony as that is all I can afford. I play a sport called squash for a living, hardly scrape by, and my next tournament is 5 days later and I need to win to survive essentially. Will I be at 100 percent 5 days after, I heard some people can't focus after and are very drained. If anyone has had any experience, I would be so happy to hear from you. Cheers guys