Good afternoon guys.
This next report was from last Saturday and my 3rd visit with aya... Its very personal but you may find it interesting.
This time around I was confident but also a little scared.....i was hoping a few things didn't come up but of course because I was thinking about it.. They did.
I was unsure that it would work because I have been smoking weed and I wasn't as strict with my diet as before.... Also the brew boiled a couple of times.
When it came to drinking... Yes it tasted foul again, I had my intention set... How to move forward.
The pokerdots happened again then the colours... This time the colours were very giometric... Diamonds and flat colours... As in solid reds blues greens... Etc.
For some reason a clown kept coming in but it didn't scare me... I wasn't scared this time cos I knew what to expect but also had my intention in mind.
I lost a lot of time, I can't remember if I had ego death this time, it felt very natural.
This time it was all about self reflection, filtering and processing.
I heard next door shouting and the cars outside... I dismissed them cos it felt I had dealt with the neighbour thing last time... And I couldn't stop the cars.
From what I remember, there was some lovely colours fluctuating on and out like waves, shapes like pencil ends... Colour on the outside, different in the middle and different in the centre... Everywhere I saw were waves of colour. But this time it wasn't about the colours... Aya told me to stop focusing on the colours as it wasn't about them.. It was about the lessons.
I saw Sarah (my wife) in the light of the rock lamp and cover herself... She looked so contented... I then saw her in wool and saw how much she looked comfy in it and she looked good. I looked at her face and saw her young (like keira... My daughter ), saw her as she is and also her with a beard like her dad... It took a while but Aya was showing me she has all 3 inside of her.
I saw and felt loki (my dog) i was unsure whether I was dreaming a lot of the time or if what I saw was real. Loki was with me, I also saw loki sleeping on the sofa... He changed to a soft toy... Shrinking... I thought he was dead at one point... I reflected that we need to pay more attention to the cats... then Sarah was next to me, I was cold and she was providing warmth... Her comfort was paramount to me though...i needed her to be comfy.
I saw my kids, not in person but in memory, I processed how finely (my son) enjoys playing on the xbox and that wasn't bad, how Shannon(my youngest daughter) really is beautiful in spirit as well as physically.. And how I know she doesn't like shooting games.
I saw keira, how she was growing up and even how I saw her earlier that day and that she didn't have a coat... She must've been cold but she was happy... She has a cheeky smile.
I then reflected on Michele and Jon (my in-laws) , how I always saw them as grey in colour but recently I have been seeing new colours from them.
I thought about my nan (who died a while ago) and could see she was part of everything around us, I wasn't sad that she had gone... Just accepted that everything around was apart of our lives and she was almost sown into that... I spoke about marajuana and how when she was younger she used to smoke when she had her moto guzi (I saw a more vibrant dragon).... But then I thought... Would she be proud of me... Job and designs yes, though not challenging, I even thought about hamid (my boss) and how his colours were diluted but still there... But me... Would she be proud of Me?
Now time for me... This is where aya punished me... She bought back old hurts that I did to Sarah.. I had a mini argument with myself and aya, telling myself that I will hurt her... But also that she has known for a long time, that what happened in the past wasn't in her head... It happened... And that I am a douche....for doing something so hurtful to someone so wonderful... During this time I was paying penance for all the shit things I have and am doing... Drinking, stupid amount of drugs in the past, and most of all reflecting that I annoy everyone, especially her. I couldn't understand why she couldn't understand where I was coming from regarding sex, kissing and even my new found passion for psychedelics... How she doesn't talk to me and just clams up or even gets angry when any and all are bought up. Then I realised its probably cos I'm annoying. I annoy her... I annoy my kids by shouting, being moody... Bring grumpy me.
Then the purge... I needed to purge many times throughout this but it wasn't time... Now it was... After trying to apologise for being a chump in the past... Also trying to reassure her that my guilt wasn't for the present... I remember asking her if I had hurt her... To which she said no, but I could tell that she sensed something and was feeling bad... My inner argument was getting more intense but I resolved in the fact I had to tell her. Then the purge came... I went to the loo... Whilst on the loo I sobered up 70% but still held fast that I had to tell her... To move forward.
I came downstairs and said that she wasn't a fool, that what I had been denying for a long time was obviously true and that I knew that she knew.
I wish I could say that it felt better... It didn't but it needed to be said....for us to move on and go forward.
This experience was definitely a time for reflection... Since then (since last night) I have been in my own head trying to process everything, and look at my actions... What I do that effects those I hurt... And the consequences...
The colours were beautiful again, but the lesson was a hard one... But a needed one.

Since then I have been stuck a little in my head, processing everything and trying to adjust... Not in a negative or positive way... Just trying to learn what my lessons were.

I hear you, Aya always brings up some negative things about myself. But, I find that's part of the value in it. I tend to get "stuck" in certain behaviors, habits, methods of speaking, etc., and Aya can help me break that cycle. Nobody is perfect, but sometimes it can be hard to take that honest of a look at one's self. I have no kids yet, but it definitely helped me reflect on my relationship with my wife.

Each time, Aya has helped me see a path forward in how to make things better, though. Did she show you even a glimpse to a path forward? Perhaps she will as you integrate the experience. It sounds like even if the experience wasn't exactly pleasant, that it was valuable. Welcome back from the journey

Hey mate
Thank u for your very thoughtful reply.
In answer to your question about aya showing the way forward, I believe she did, though I'm too chicken shit to do so. Tbh before we were married I was a shitbag in the fact I had a lot of extra circular activities... I don't k ow why I thought of it before I did aya as we have been married for a few years but there wee go. My inner argument was about whether I come completely clean about everything.. Aya was saying she already knew cos she isn't stupid.. But I know that she would be destroyed if I actually owned up to all I did. I suppose I am paying my price cos I really can't get out of this funk now... Is it just a mind over matter thing I have no idea but to be honest, aya is an amazing and truthful teacher.. She will make sure you learn those leas ons.

Thanks for sharing your experiences. I know from experience that taking ownership of your mistakes is hard. Admitting to oneself that they made mistakes and accepting the consequences, no matter what, can be terrifying. So much uncertainty. And we delude ourselves by trying to justify our actions, or make excuses for them. But at the end of the day, it is only you that can control your actions. A wise jungle horse once told me that, "You are in control of the amount of chaos you allow into your life."

I am glad that this medicine is showing you how to recognize and deal with this stuff.

With live and respect