I had a mescaline + DMT experience over 2 years ago that I just could not have prepared myself for. It has only been recently that I've been deeply integrating and processing the experience. After the experience, some parts of the experience seemed clear (although most of it forgotten), but I didn't have a context or framework in which to really interpret it.

But because of an existential/personal crisis I was having recently (depression, self-hatred and suicidal thoughts), as well as doing wider reading and listening to lots of Ram Dass and Alan Watts, some ideas I encountered really resonated with me. And this started me obsessively thinking about that DMT experience.

I would just like to shared some notes that I've been typing into my phone whenever I've had a certain a-ha moment; when I could either remember an aspect of the experience (usually because I was stoned, which helps memory recall) or because I had been exposed to an idea that gave me this feeling of, yes, I know this! So here are the notes. They do not follow any sequence in the trip, just what I feel capture some elements of the experience. I also have lots of nagging questions and doubts!

'It was like I existed forever. Endless existence after death. Then I began to wake up from the eternal dream, eternity slowed down, compressed, and I began to exist for months instead. So much time! Overwhelming. The trip was so much more powerful than others that the hyperspace part was delayed and happened after the God experience, and kept going on and on. I was thinking I've experienced enough.

Ego comes back in as I realise I had smoked DMT, but had been deep in that space for so long. I was sure the mescaline had extended the trip in 'real time'. But also the waking construct of 'time' trying to make sense of the unspeakable. Disbelief, mind blown by eternity. "I was gone for so long."

And the body high. All of the mescaline euphoric body stretching and sensitivity exploded into pure sensation. A body made of energy, endless waves of orgasm and mind-body oneness of pleasure. Heavenly heights. Sublime. Then floating with my light euphoric mind-body back to earth.

The roar of eternity. The stillness of pure being. Existing for eternity in the now. The deep liberating feeling of being without mental baggage or ego, for eternity! This is the apex, the ultimate goal. This is the absolute height, or depth?, of human experience. This is a human experience! Deeply sacred and human.

Ground of being. The source. Ultimate reality.

Carrier wave aum. Sound and vision and being become one and everything! I am this. This is everything.

No distinction between knowledge and existence. I knew and was the totality. Not abstract knowledge, thinking about matters of waking life, but direct, pure and absolute understanding.

Overwhelming bliss. God's finger pressed firmly on the eternal pleasure button.

Overwhelming power, beauty, joy.

Ultimate liberation, freedom, release. Rebirth. Born again. Forgiven, wiped clean.

That feeling of going blind, numb and deaf from an orgasm. That times infinity.

Melting into the void. I was erased. Tears of gratitude for the experience and coming back into my self, my body, cleansed.

Ineffable. Unutterable. Too great for words. Pure love. Filled with light, love and forgiveness.

More relaxed and at peace. More compassion and understanding. I see myself and humanity in others. Much more interested in the life experiences of others. Smile more, look into people's eyes more.

Back in the womb. Home. No sense of other. No sense of self. Warm darkness, enclosed. All needs are met. Blissfully buoyant.

Pure awareness/existence/being.

Finally! This is it!

Religious grace.

Become one with God, with everything. Became pure existence, which is what everything has in common. So I became one with everything.

Pure essence of being.

Absolute truth is that existence is eternal. Existence is essential to who I am. Therefore I am eternal.

Secret of the universe. We are all one. I was made of vibration/energy.

Cosmic revelations. In heaven for eternity before being granted existence back on Earth. Floating back down.

I feel eternal. No concept of before or after. Was always there and will always be there.

It could only have been more intense if I never came back. Death itself.

Endless creation.

Heaven: eternal bliss.

Satisfied on the deepest possible level.

It was the experience of the revelation that I am nothing, and therefore everything.

Sensation coming back to my face. Realise I have a face, body etc.

The feeling of waking up from the most convincing dream (waking reality).

Existence or being is fundamental and connects everything. All is one.

Initial start with DMT visuals. But then no self, melt/explode into bright white light, pure awareness and one with the infinite void. One with God in the eternal now. Universal knowledge. Don't forget this. Then mind-body orgasm/bliss. Then DMT visuals with elf activity, hyper-complex building and creating. Feel my back more, then more of my body. Open eyes once I know I have them. Feeling of being in/returning from heaven. But visuals too intense and fast, golden light and hyperspace. Close them and see elf activity slowing down/fading away. But entity looks very pleased and bidding me farewell while self-transforming. So good to see you! Come back soon! Then fetal position, still not human, feel reborn, light, with every atom of me singing with love. Ego and memories return. Mindblown and overwhelmed with gratitude and thanks. Then back to mescaline tripping level. Listening to carbon based lifeforms and went perfectly with beauty of rain and plants. A trip that kept on giving. Plants were alive. Everything felt full of life. I felt serene.

My whole being was filled with love. Deep healing self-love. Lived a life without self-love and fear of being loved.

Outside of space and time. Timeless. Time stopped.

The transformation is the essence of the thing that happened.'

Some of my doubts are about the authenticity of these 'memories'. I honestly can't tell what is genuine and what is embellishment. It really irritates me that I cannot recall what this experience was like at the time. When I say something like 'infinite void', this concept makes sense to the magnitude of what I experienced, and I have had a glimmer of a memory of something like this, but I just don't know. I wish I had written the trip down after coming down. I feel like I was blessed by such a precious experience, and I could have retained so much more.

It is strange that I could feel regret and irritation by an experience like this. But I am just trying to notice these feelings. They are a pattern or habit that I repeat. Deep down, I know the experience fills me with gratitude and has profoundly changed my life for the better (I truly believe it helped to save me during a deep depression).

The other question I've been thinking about is if I ever want to do DMT again. My friend has some and offered me the experience, but honestly, I don't know if I have this urge or itch to do it. I have had intense experiences before this one, more like McKenna's. But this one seemed to blow all the others out the water. I can't even call it a 'trip' or psychedelic, it was way beyond that. It was everything I had been longing for.

The only thing that makes me want to do it again is to remember more. But I don't know if I want to go down that rabbit hole again. I know if I start chasing this experience, I may not get it. And I'll just start using DMT in the hope of chasing this high. I desperately want to solidify the knowledge that yes, I had this feeling of oneness, eternity, infinity etc. But is this a kind of ego trip in itself?

Anyway, despite these obsessive thoughts, I am so grateful for the experience. The feeling of divinity and ultimate liberation is something I won't forget, I know that. And I believe it has helped me to 'switch on a light' and change my sense of being in the world.

Any input is much appreciated

Thank you.

Wow! Super report, and I'm not a big fan of individual "trip reports". Seems you're well on your way to integrating the "unintegratable" into your consensus reality existence.

f e b, you are very wise to recognize this as a likely, once in a lifetime gift. How could it be otherwise? You've really answered your own questions. Hard to replicate all the factors that came together to allow this mystic paroxysm you experienced.

You seem to be living, "post unitive", as well as one can. Filled with awe and humbled by the grandeur that was revealed. You "remember" more than you realize, it's just very hard to "believe" the experience.

IMO, you don't have to "hang up the phone". Yet, you are wise not to try to recapture that particular experience. Let it inform you on your path, with and without entheogens. My appreciation has been that once revealed, this "glory" is forever at hand. You may find that even subthreshold, subtle journeys can take on profoundly more significance.

Quite the combo that> phenethylamine+tryptamine.

Peace

Thank you for your comment Legarto Rey You've definitely helped to remind me of the silliness of getting hung up on 'remembering'. The fact that this experience happened at all, however much I remember or analyse it, is what's important.

Really great report, I can definitely see it in your words.

Thanks for the great read.

Upvoted ya.

<3

Excuse my bad english with bad grammar, it could be much better.

Congratulation, you've found your real self in the non duality.

Interesting report due to my realization that I can relate to yours, only difference is that I made it in a natural way through meditation.

To go through the method fast:

Sit up right.

Breath natural and just a little bit deeper, it makes your consciousness clear.

Focus on a dot between your eyes, you need to be focused at the end only at this dot, which mean when you are done talking/thinking to yourself then you have absorbed all consciousness into this dot and with that you're losing your ego or false self.

When this happens, consciousness drops down to the heart section, there are only void, darkness, no input or output, you just areeee.... nothing more, no body or visuals just areeeee... without the words.

To get to the infinite, eternal, non-dualistic light you have to make one move. You see in the void you have your real self and through this self all the stuff you want to do comes from this core, it is where all authentic feelings comes from before it reach the brain. You can stop doing anything and just be in this emptiness or you can chose from your heart to return to the brain; you just bring yourself (consciousness) and slowly try to connect it with our brain, or you can make one move into the eternal light by...

Think that you have two bodies, you have this gross body and this astral body, imagen that you're trying to move your astral body out of this gross body by going backward. This is all done with your pure feelings of wanna do something, there is no thought or thinking to make this when you are in the void. When you do this move, you gonna be pulled into this massive non-dual light, you will leave the material world, your body to merge with this spiritual light.

Yes, it is fantastic. You feel like you're god because the spiritual mind makes you believe that, you just know millions of things at once. Your consciousness has transformed into some kind of super consciousness, the reality is much more real, infect the reality is absolute, it can't be more real that this, even it has no visuals or animated show inside this light, there only exist light which doesn't go anywhere. It is a constant light and you feel a constant happiness, bliss, love, awareness. There is no way to get tired in this eternal, infinite light there is no tiredness in this. It is like you have everything there, you don't need anything because all things is in this light. It is like this light is the source of all creation, when the light is scattered it makes separations/objects, colors and stuff, but when it becomes one again it will be pure golden light.

The last one is just a theory. But what i believe. I don't believe we became God, I think we became one with one of God's qualities. Do to this is a formless experience it means that God would be formless only. But to be a God you must be the formless and the form of all forms. We are not God but God is us and will be the knower of everything, we can't be a knower of everything, even in this God like effulgence, we have our limits.

Why I say this? Because many who have achieved this claims to be God that He and Me and everyone Else are one and same person. This thought is just your ego who playing some tricks it cannot be proven for the person or to others.

I'm trying to find a personal God who is responsible for everything, I have my theories to make and have a goal to search for God. So I cannot claim he exist until I meet with him/her (or combined). I had my realization when I was 24 and now I'm 37 still I didn't find what I have been searching for, but when I do find I will write about it.

Be openminded, don't block possibilities, don't set limits such as science do, you may find is where you least thought of. Even your brain can be a tool to communicate with the divine because god is god and does not require advance meditations and stuff... just saying.

Good luck with your search. My english is terrible and wrote this in a rush and won't reread this to make corrections.

Great report, good read.

Reminds me of the Sufi concept of fanaa...



-eg