I often think of DMT experiences as a mix of fractal imagery -- A cosmic kaleidoscope of sorts mixed with an overlay of mental and emotional interpretation which together can be extremely profound. I would like to share with my friends here one recent DMT experience that left me completely emotionally gutted.... while at the same time so insanely appreciative of the meaning of pure and true love.

As the vaped DMT started to take hold I saw fractal imagery that I interpreted as blunt trauma akin blood smacking out of a head being hit hard enough. It is not the first time I had experienced this imagery / feeling on trips. I have been confused by it in prior trips -- what was the purpose of seeing this? This was the breakthrough to show me why I have seen this. Why every accident / pain in my life has had anxiety and emotional response associated which was beyond typical fight/flight response.

As the trip progressed, the imagery was of a familiar form. A red, warping, flowing, fractal flower-like orb. Reaching further and further into my consciousness... until... pop... I was witnessing an accident. I was a father watching his young daughter's head get hit by something. A car perhaps. A father watching the final moments of his child's plea for help, reaching for her parent, shocked, scared, clinging in desperation to life. A father feeling both the purest love and purest despair imaginable until the difference between the two emotions merged into each other. Duality looped in on itself and became one.

There was a moment shared between the mother and father of the child -- of both profound love and profound loss -- Love for the child, love for eachother, and unimaginable loss. There was a choice the father made. A choice that 'I' made. Without a second though he said goodbye to life and followed his daughter through the vale between life and death. There was no consideration of other loved one's shared pain of loss. He died with his daughter in that moment. He chose to follow her to whatever was next and to hold her hand and ensure she was ok, whatever may come next.

On returning from my trip I was gutted. I returned to a soaked pillow and tears flowing faster than I've experienced. The love felt.... so so pure. The despair... so so deep.

My whole life when others talk about a connection to 'source'. Something they describe as a knowing that they are connected to a loving higher power. Comfort that they feel from that connection. I have never understood it. I have somewhat judged it as an imagining of what they wish was real instead of something factual. Maybe even judging their belief while also being envious of the comfort they receive by their belief. Then it clicked.... why I do not feel a connection to source.

I do not claim to understand the full mechanism of consciousness and incarnation, but have always had the distinct feeling I have lived countless lifetimes. Maybe ALL lifetimes of every human who has ever existed from the beginning to end of humanity. It does not feel linear -- more like time is the illusion and all of human existence happened simultaneously and is me. However, any singular human perspective, through the illusion of time feels stronger connections to specific other lives for the purpose of why they are experiencing their current life. This feeling was STRONG with this trip. So strong that I made the following connection...

My current life incarnation's inability to feel connected to source is directly tied to my life as a father having given up his life without a second thought to follow his daughter through death. I did not feel that it was in any way a karmic debt or punishment of suicide, but just as a cause and effect. Water doesn't ripple to punish the rock thrown into it... it just ripples as an effect.

Some trips leave a very deep impression on you. The trip was a week ago and I find it hard to read my screen as I finish typing this.

For anyone who has lost a child -- take at least a little comfort in the pure love you feel for that child and the pure love your child felt for you. The disappear is the polarity of duality being the opposite of that purest of love.

ps.... I should note for the reader. I have not lost a child in this life. I am a father and hope to never have to endure that pain.

It has been a couple weeks now since this trip... and I'm still a bit shaken by it. Have others experienced what feels like shifting into another life to experience something traumatic? I have been trying to integrate the experience and find meaning to my life and how the experience fits. What should I take away from it.... why does it feel so important to me?

Many DMT trips defy interpretation. I'm not new to the rabbit hole. I've long lost count of the number of visits through DMT, other psychedelics, and even deep meditation. And yet, I can still be floored by a trip like this one. It was very different than most DMT trips. The fractal hyperspace signature DMT visuals and feel were there but it had an overlay of direct experience like re-living moments from another life. It isn't the first time on DMT that I have shifted perspectives to experience life as something/someone else.... but it seemed stronger in this trip.

As I read this I shared your tears. Loss manifests to each of us in diverse ways, what you describe is surely the most heart-rending. I echo the closing line of your opening post.

Love and blessings to you, and to all.

Thanks for reading.... It helps just knowing someone read it.

I am a father. I live for my daughter. She is my world. If something were to happen to her I would gladly follow. I have never felt such strong emotions towards anything in my life.

The source gives it all. The father, the daughter. The source also takes it away. Everything is temporary. Does the source share in your pain and also share in your love? Yes. Does the source also make the choice to follow? Yes. The source does this because we are all the source. It chooses to feel these feelings and make these choices.

My feeling is that it is learning. Learning through and with us. It creates as we create. It loves when we love. It cries in anguish when we cry in anguish.

All of this is just a feeling in me. In the end I have to say that I do not know. I have nothing to look at except within myself and that is what I see. I am aware so the source is aware. I too feel like I have lived countless lives. It just feels that way. All connected through the source. Everything is part of it. Everything is a gift of learning fear and love.

I have had similar journeys. I took a long break after a horrible vision I had smoking some changa. I had a vision my brother was dead and was talking to me in the DMT hyperspace. It all felt so real. When I came back to reality I wept. I just cried and cried. It almost felt uncontrollable to an extent. My brother is fine and alive. It was illusion. I had a thought and emotion during the journey and followed it. It showed me the love I have for my brother and for that matter anyone I love. It showed me the pain of not having them anymore. The temporary nature of all of us.

I have also had journeys where I thought I, myself, had died. Again, I followed a thought and emotion. It showed me what I would miss in this world. My daughter was my number one thought. Both of these death journeys gave me a very valuable lesson. There was nothing I could do about either scenario. Death is permanent. There is no coming back from it. So why all the fight? The denial. The pain. The anguish. Why? Why put me through this?

We do it everyday in this reality. We create that anguish and pain. We create it right now. If we were truly at peace with the process then the thought of death would not bother us. We cling. We want life to be forever. The ego wants to live forever. It wants to have everything it loves forever and never wants to experience pain. The ego makes all these preferences. But I don't feel I am my ego. I just walked into the ego's odd creation in hyperspace. The fears present themselves in unexpected ways. They pop up and can surprise you with how strong they feel. The imagery is so powerful and memorizing. It pulls you in and convinces you that THIS is real.

You come back to reality and the purge of emotions comes out. And that is exactly what is needed. These emotions and thoughts are layers upon layers. They are not you. You take a layer away and the next layer creates scenarios to defend itself from being plucked away next. What happens when you have no thoughts? You are still aware. You still exist.

My thought is that if you can begin to recognize these stories that play out in hyperspace you can stop them from sucking your energy. Perhaps you needed to see these things. To feel these things. Maybe you need to purge some emotions. Ultimately I think that we do not need to suffer in this way. We can choose to look past the emotions and thoughts and simply witness. Completely aware of the exact thoughts and emotions we are having and looking at them Bringing light onto them in a new way. The perspective can change and you can create something new with a new awareness. For me, I am aware of the games my mind or ego likes to play.

How much fear can you take before you think you are going to blow up or shatter? How much pain would that take? The death of a loved one? How far does the pain go? How far will we take it? It is a choice. You can feel as much pain as you like but you will not shatter. You will go all the way to the breaking point and suddenly something is lifted. The pain and fear fades and you are left with nothing but awareness. All suffering comes to an end. It cannot be sustained. It is temporary.

I would argue that the only thing that is not temporary is love. It exist in everything we see and experience. We do it all for love. We comes here and suffer just so we can have that experience of love. When I look lovingly at my daughter with no thought, I feel the source in both of us in that moment. If I can see and experience something like this in one moment, then I can see and experience something like this in every moment.

It is what it is.

Liked your post very much! Struck a chord with me. I very much like how you integrated your experience. Very thought provoking. I wish you well on you future journeys. Take care friend!

I can relate to alot of the sentiments here.

I'm 30 now; before that I never really understood the draw to children, or even having children for that matter. I always joked and told myself "ha, ain't having kids til im older..etc..etc". Not to get into details, but a women I dated for many years had a child a couple years back, with a guy that she had started dating/living with. Things having not worked out unfortunately has led to today - she's a single mother currently going to school, taking care of her child, also working to support all this. I'd seen and been with him and her many times throughout his short life thus far, him having grown on me more and more over time.

Anyways, her little boy is now 14 months old. And I have to say - 'now I understand',even though he isn't mine, we've grown incredibly close, closer than I could've ever thought. I never understood the draw til the one day I had came to meet her and him at the park, she opens the car door, unbuckles him from his seat, he jumps down, the biggest smile and wide-eyed love i've ever seen, he comes running over to me as fast as a child his age could run - hugging and not letting go, the amount of love he had for me in that moment was so palpable, so beyond-reality, reality stops completely. Talk about a break down of barriers both mental and physical, he touched a level that psychs have never, something that could make me wail like a baby on command. There's no words for it, at all. He's now becoming my world in so many ways, even though not being mine (which I fully respect his father, and am not wanting to cause waves, so I try to stay cognizant of that). I will be a part of his life in so far as i'm allowed to be given the situation. I love him more than anything, literally, so I empathize with many of what was said here. I'd very well give my life for this kid. Funny to even write that, but the feeling is beyond me.

Sorry to get on a tear, just figured i'd share this since it's somewhat relevant to this thread.

Friken, awesome report man! The DMT experience can put you in tandem with so many different ranges of feeling/s, right into the center, sometimes the experience can heavily focus on specific emotions/feelings, having you unguardedly feel these things and therein spawning extremely powerful lessons. It's a beautiful thing.

The power of a child!!

They know much more than we do! My daughter is my greatest teacher!

Thanks for sharing that Tatt!