This post is intended to serve to those who might go through things similar to what I went through and also as means to self reflect and look back and learn more from what I am going to share with you.

This is my whole life story so it will be a little bit long, but I hope you will like it and enjoy it, and maybe learn anything from it.
I will try to be as objective as possible, but it will be hard as I am talking about myself.



I was born on Germany as my father was forced to seek exile due to political troubles in our occupied country. My family came back as soon as the war was over. The country was devastated but luckily no one in our family died nor did loose anything mayor.

My father became a heavy alcoholic in Germany. He could not get his previous job back as the infrastructure for that job was destroyed. So he started working as a private taxi driver, a very low income job, but we had the support of our aunts and uncles. I started elementary school and was a very curious young boy, and was a good pupil too.
On 2006 when I was just 8 years old my mother died and this was the end of the beginning.
I started hating everything in the ENTIRE UNIVERSE I even hated GOD.
But no one would notice it, as I would hide my feelings, and everything thought that I had accepted the death of my mother like an adult as they would say.
My father had a very very difficult upbringing, but I decided that it would make this post too long to include that, but nonetheless he sometimes would get physically abusive towards me and my sister(he doesn't even remember this due to his heavy alcohol use at that time) and this, made me rebellious and create two separate identities, at home and with my aunts and uncles I would be the nice guy who is shy, listens to everyone and the good student and with friends I would release my inner demons.
I was raised like a king every need and every wish was fulfilled from my aunts and uncles

[Insert hierarchy of Maslow]



I started smoking at the age of 9, had four other coevals that did the same, with them I started thinking of creating a gang and making money to have our own cigs when we needed.
So we became the FIVE JOKERS and started being the bullies of our hood, we would take money from younger kids sometimes from older too when we saw the opportunity was there, and so we started becoming the infamous child gang of our hood , being sincere we started gaining respect from the older "gangsters" in our hood too.
The Five Jokers where around until I got 10 than when we tried to break into our school to do some childish stupidities we got caught and one of our co-members betrayed us and so FJ ended.



I had gained respect and people started viewing me as a confident young boy, so even older girls where after me, and in fact my first girlfriend was 2 years older than me. (But deep inside I was suffering grief)
I also was the leader of my class in school as I was a good student and a "fine diplomat". Somewhere at this point out of stupidity me and a friend injected testosterone naively thinking that it would buff us in a week
After I broke up with my first girlfriend, I fell in love for the first time and for 1 and a half year I would do anything just to impress her and make her love me back I was just 12 years at that time.
Then I gave up and this shook down my confidence and self esteem that I had in the past, but it was no big deal, it just made me thing that i am ugly
At the age 13 I joined another gang, we were the MB, I gained reputation quickly here and started gaining respect of the older members,(the oldest was 19 years old).
With my "intelligence", I taught them the proper way into managing drug trafficking ring (I had watched many many documentaries)
As time passed we became more and more "successful", this gang was very democratic we had no leader but the one who had the most votes out of 20 members that we were in total, would choose what to do next. I quickly gained the trust and respect of almost all the members and by the time I was 15 everyone would listen to what I had to say and would agree with me.
As I became more respected and feared girls started becoming easy to get, especially BJ, which were a daily treat






But still I was not happy I knew that, I had something missing and still am but now I know what it is.
At this point in time, my sister was diagnosed with leukemia. This put me into deep depression and I started using weed daily as means to escape my inner feelings. Three months before her diagnosis my father quit alcohol and became a devout Muslim. But his fear of loosing another family member I think made him depressive too.
The gang crumbled due to treason and I was left alone, with some cash to continue selling weed and some authority and respect from my hood.
(Now that I look into this and analyse it I can see the synchronicity of things and how things were supposed to be, for me to become who I am now).

Now I am 16 years old and started high school (my mentality at that time was that they were more civilized than me and that they would see me as being inferior. STUPID ME)
I started becoming socially withdrawn, and had a close circle of stoner friend who would buy weed from me and I would smoke my weed with them.
As time passes by I start to become interested into philosophy especially eastern philosophy, I knew that I need to learn something new, I felt empty, I first started to watch conspiracy theories, when my head was filled with that crap I started listening new age preachers and so started to become more and more interested in spirituality, those new age teachers just gave me a glimpse but than I started doing my homework and became fascinated with the many things we as humans can do and how much there is for us to learn, and started to realize how naive and stupid I was.
As much as I used weed to escape reality it made me realize some things that I am truly grateful, I started becoming nice to people, I started becoming my true self, no more two different identities, I started loving my father again, weed made me appreciate his existence and every time I go somewhere I say:"Dad I love you" because I know that it will come one day when I don't have the chance to say it to him anymore.
At this time I was smoking from 10 to 30 joints of weed a day. If you don't want to read part one, read the spoiler.
It felt alot like some dmt trip reports that I have read, but a lot more confusing.

Weed made me see the reality from a different point of view. Now the world isn't just black and white, red and yellow came to be. [Insert Lateralus lyrics]
Weed made me aware that there isn't just black and white, good and evil, I started understanding that different people have different perceptions on what white is and what black is and that spectrum varies from person to person.

It was that moment when everything in my life changed, as I came to know I experienced a Spiritual crisis. I did not know what to do and what was happening to me my Atman was telling me that my ego is wrong, I literally at one instance heard someone at my bed say: Wrong, Wrong, Wrong. I could not let go of my ego, so I started having delusions of grandeur, my ego was telling me different things my higher self was telling that I was wrong, and all this time I did not know what was happening to me, I became very sensitive and started seeing the auras of different objects sometimes people's too.
I became sensitive to the spirit world too, on one instance I saw a being 4 meters tall, while I was waking in the woods. In another instance, in the same wood I saw a group like shadow which where screaming towards me saying: WE SWEAR BY YOUR SOUL, THAT WE BELIEVE IN YOU.
In some instances I thought that I could telepathically communicate with animals, but I had no idea why and how and why and how this was happening, slowly I was going insane.
I quit weed cold turkey from 30 a day to none, than I started drinking 4 to 6 coffees a day, and started to become paranoid and very delusional, I started thinking that I am The Mahdi and I am needed to unite the people in order for the Messiah to come. And with the feelings of grandeur came paranoia, feelings of being persecuted and that people are coming to get me.

All this was due to the lack of understanding of what was happening and the lack of communication between the weakened Ego and my higher [ INSERT SCHISM LYRICS]

I started noticing that somethings are not good with me and my sanity so, I did what all would do and talked to a psychiatrist that my was a friend of my uncle and he put me under SSRi thinking that I am experiencing depression.
This made thinks even worse, as the days went on I started to lose it more and more. As I started to think that my father was trying to kill me, that was the point where I decided to talk to a real psychiatrist and maybe rest there for some days.(oooh boy did this turn things around)

I went to the state's psychiatric ward/rehabilitation/intensive/hell center, first they gave me a diazepam injection as I was hyperactive and had not slept for 3 days, they sent me into a sector dedicated for drug abuse disorders, spent the next day there and then sent me into "a jail" full of schizophrenics, people who did not know how to talk and people that started chasing me everywhere I went.
They would give me different injections and antipsychotics I guess and leave me there locked down, it was not that bad, as I had time to reflect when the antipsychotics kicked in and I came back to reality and then I started meditating again, analysed my thought patterns and saw how paranoid and delusional I was, and then and there I think my ego dissolved, it finally gave up I think (now I am becoming subjective).

One day while I was doing some morning exercises, a paranoid dude twice the size of me started thinking that I am casting a spell on him and started becoming aggressive, I told the male nurses(more like security/bodybuilders) there about that and they didn't seem to care, then the next day I continued the same routine and the dude punched me, and put me into solitary room thinking that it was my fault
I spent a whole week in solitary,(yes like in the movies,Everything made out of rubber colored in black) thankfully they didn't put me in a straight jacket.
In total I spent 3 weeks there in that "jail" psychiatric intensive care and then they sent me back to Addiction Disorder Center, it was a very narrow sector of the whole psychiatric institute they were 4 rooms and a corridor in the middle which was 4 meters wide and something like 12-13 meters long.
I spent the next year there, lost most of the classes in highschool, became socially withdrawn to the extent where I don't go out anymore(until the last 3 month), became addicted to benzos, than they put me back in there, spent another 5 months,I tried codeine there and became a opioid "addict" they released on my 18th birthday this year.
Chased the dragon for 2 months until I finally and thankfully OD from 4ml trodone 450mg codeine and 8mg xanax.
And then and there was the final piece of the riddle solved where I knew that this life is not for me, where I saw my father cry, fearing to loose me, when I heared my sister scream to the doctors to save me. There was the final piece of my ego finally lost and now I see what weed tought me. It's not all about you it is about the impact you have on the others and what you do to yourself impacts others too. If all this did not happen I would be still an ego-driven, selfish, bully.


I am still on antipsychotics, seroquel and anti-convulsants depakine. But I am tapering down, but still I am not sure of what damage they have done. Do I need to start the inner fire again?
Or do I just need to rework on my prana and get my chakras active again?
I am currently facing my inner fears and my social anxiety trying to be myself again re building the golden bridge (antahkarana), adding more blocks and building it to be solid, again [ INSERT SCHISM LYRICS] I know the pieces fit. I am still a little ego-driven but this time my ego is focused to rebuild the connection that I lost with my higher self.

Thank you all, who read this. PEACE AND LOVE