I am a complete tool.
And happy about it.
Why?
Because it allows my existence to take place
Fully and in balance.



Preface

After 8 months, i took 50mg DMT and 40g caapi tea and had my first new psychedelic experience.
Thanks to newground for encouraging me to take it even though i felt sick. Did not matter much.
You still might think that after such a long time without serious work, one is bound to have a interesting time.

Content

"NO! Please stop. What is this? I did not expect this. I need to throw up. But it is impossible and to late now. This is a setup for eternal soul torture."

I did not feel the guiding spirit of ayahuasca. How should one if he just takes 20g worth of caapi before swallowing the DMT pill? That's it. My first pharmahuasca style experience and my soul is cramping. I roll over on my side and stare at the wall while the sudden dmt rush turns into the melting, tingling...acompanied by the horrible prospect of having a 3 hour breakthrough....the room transforms, my body vanishes...are my eye closes yet?

Doesn't matter...

"Stay calm, we just wanted to have more time for healing".
An mechanical onslaught of colors ripping through my body. Anxiety cramps inside my body. Real pain. This is no joke! What was i thinking? But the assuring voice calmed me a bit...and i went through these colorful realms. But there wasn't anything glamorous about them at all.

After half an hour, it suddenly calmed down. And I calmed down. Why was i afraid? Afraid of life itself? How stupid is that!


Real content

1. Good to have this place of amplification, to measure all the energy streams of consciousness coming and going based on your own mode of awareness. How does this that way of perceiving things influence the energy? I think exploring and internalizing this can help tremendously to not drift into bad patterns while awake.

2. You internalize and forget during the experience. Important content gets put into the right folders for easy access later. It's no shame to forget part of the experience. I see this process as a layering of some sort ...like a sandwhich: Consciousness layer ---> New Input -----> Consciousness layer.

3. I am porcelain-steel man. I'm strong and handsome but don't have a face. I glow. I know everything of importance. That means: I know what's good. I do things when the time is right. I support, care and discipline. I'm a father. I want my child to be strong and healthy.

4. I am the ghost "crumbly-flake child". I distract because i'm defiant. I entrance myself in nuisance. I pride myself as the murderer of my own father. But he is still alive, just very tired of my antics. I want his support, but i do not care for him one bit.

Yes, my body is posessed by my own child. He lives inside me. I realize, that i'm not him. He's just loud and obnoxious all the time. The father says loudly "Cut me some slack, would you?" and the child answers "Oh, ok....i did not want to hurt you". This is real communication. It just happens inside. The father always knows what's right, and the child can deal with consensus reality. He is his fathers tool. But also willing to learn, to behave and to develop a healthy!! intelligence of his own. The father tells his son "I'm here to destroy your trance" ....

A metamorphismus in progress. On the road of becoming a complete tool. But it is ok. It allows the father to shine through and to guide with his wisdom. "No offense son, this is a simple division of labor" ..."no offense taken!"

OK...

Time to finally move on?!

Feeling really content

This.

can you elaborate on "new" psychedelic experience?

good to see a report from you brother! such a wild and difficult ride (it seemed) but obviously for the best, sounds like a real healing experience!

It's my newest experience and also a new experience because of the forced hiatus i had to take. Perhaps that's why i was so fearful. I don't quite get why though. In the last couple of days, a few things changed.

...I identify less with my outer appearance. Looks more and more is seen as a tool to achieve certain things. I'll try to let crumbly-flake child deal with it from now on.

...I accept pain more as a facett of life i have to accept. But it is not life itself and i do not have to view is as such.

All in all, im more calm and enduring these days. Who knows how long it's gonna last. But i'm sure it will leave traces. Every experience does.

Thanks everyone for reading, and thanks for your reply Sky Motion. I've put together my travel history here if you are curious to read more.