Hi all,

In June I mistakenly overdosed myself on a pharma journey. Im about 155 pounds and i drank 200 grams of caapi with .300 DMT. It was the least pleasnt trip of my life. I blacked out for a few moments and went into convulsions, scaring the shit out of my two good friends.
Eversince then many of my DMT trips have been jaded. There have been certain times when I would open my eyes during a trip and things looked gross! My toenails would turn green, and the pigment of my skin would change color, my feet looked like hobbits feet (dont know how to else to put it). Objects would appear dirty and look even more ragged then normal. The trips just wouldn't flow right. I think I blew some kind of fuse, if there is such a thing. My physical body and my spiritual body were wacked out of line from one another leaving me unbalanced.

I finally told my girlfriend about my situation. She doesnt smoke or drink anything. And yet she is TOTALLY connected to "the source." She meditates and has a profound natural ability to tap into it. (Sometimes i find myself a bit jealous) The visions she has and the communication with "the spiritual masters" absolutely blows my mind. (I often wonder to myself if she's been in my stach, lol). This ability of hers has been increasing in focus for about the past year and a half and continues to do so. I know there are people who will read this and think that this is a crock of shit... well think again.

After telling her all of the details I asked her if she would do a special meditation to focus on what was happening to me. She said that it took her a while to tap into my frequency, but she was a bit surprized when she finally did. She got a mental picture of "the source" which was above me. (This is hard to discribe please bear with me) and instead of a straight smooth beam of light coming down on to my head (which is how it should be), she said it was choppy like a lightning bolt. Also pieces of my head were falling off or missing, and that my soul body was not alined with my physical body.

She also said that during the same meditation session a tribal figure (indian man with a headdress) spoke to her stating his concern for me, and that i somehow damaged myself at the last pharma session). He said that i need to center myself again before proceeding with any smoking or drinking ayahuasca.

She also saw this figure when i first started my aya sessions. She was uncomfortable with the whole DMT situaton to begin with and he seemed to ease the tension saying that this was an important spiritual journey that i needed to take and that i was somehow a part of his tribe (which kinda freaked me out for a lil while). It seemed very convincing and almost made me a bit delusional for a short period of time. Its hard to wrap my mind around such things.

Any ways, for starters, Ive cut myself off of weed completely (its been too much of a habbitual routine (for 14 years multipal times a day), and i feel as though it almost is disrespect to the plant as well as my mind) and have begun to put more of a focus in my meditations going into them with intention, instead of just trying to clear mind space with no direction.

I never would have thought the aya could have hurt me. But it is a tool. Tools can be very useful but at the same time if misused can have negitive effects. One must respect and use tools wisely.

I know for sure I will drink aya/pharma again when Im good and ready. I will know when the time is right, but i have a lot of internal work to do to prepair first. I just hope i have the patience.

If any one has any sugestions or comments on being more grounded and centered id love to hear them. Thanks for reading

Love, Life, and Music
Soulshine

I would tell you to forget about all mind-altering substances for a while. Spend some time with your lady; she seems to be an amazing woman. I would be all up in her business, asking all sorts of questions if she can tap into the source naturally that effectively. I think you could learn a lot from her.

As much as I love weed, I haven't touched it in a while. I hate to say that I feel better than I did when I was high 24/7, both physically and mentally. Not smoking so frequently will help I think. For me the mind became much clearer, crisper, sharper. Instead of being "whatever," I deal with the situations at hand much more effectively. It's funny how the abilities I gained by smoking and psyche usage that I attribute to being a better me remain despite not immersing myself into these substances daily. I'm just starting to really notice that integration is the key.

Last night was actually the first time I smoked spice since school started two weeks ago; it was incredible. Taking that break, interacting with people on campus, invigorating my brain by learning some new academia have all made me feel so much healthier.

I can't really tell you want to do, but I can tell you how time has made me more grounded. Stepping back from the substances I love, interacting with people (which at first was a strain to redevelop my social skills), and doing things to better progress my quality of life in this dimension have all been very beneficial for me. I think it could be for you also.

Time is a healer. It will heal all wounds. You just have to remain positive and loving not only to others but to yourself. Good things are coming to you. I believe that fully.

Thanks Ice,
Yeah im def taking a break for a bit. As much as I love the spice and thought i was ready for it again I was wrong. Its frustrating though, its played a major role in my life for four or five years now giving me inspiration and showing me things that i never would have thought possible. I know i can still be a psychonaut even with DMT on hold for now. Its not going anywhere, I know it will be waiting there for me when im ready.
And as for my girlfriend, she has been very supportive of me and really listens to whats goin on. We've got a great connection and she's going to continue meditation sessions with me.
This whole incident really feels like a step back for me personally, but a step forward in my relationship with her. If there's one thing that DMT has taught me its patience patience patience.
Im going to continue not indulging in anything for at least a month and see where that puts me. Its been quite the learning experience. Everything in moderation...

Soulshine

holy shit, you get the twisted dwarf (hobbit) thing too? You didn't blow a fuse man, you are closing in on the WAY. Try to pull some significant instruction/meaning while in that place/space. Try hard and don't take no for an answer either.

I got to your place, put my shoulder to the grindstone (metaphorically), and came out with some deep personal understanding. I am not done yet, in that place is a great source of power. Be strong, power up yer spirit before hand, and become yourself.

In my younger years, I've spent several years pursuing "spiritual enlightenment" with LSD. For a long time I had the constant feeling that enlightenment was just a step away, and I did everything I could to induce it, which basically meant indulging heavily in psychedelics and saying "yes" to any "spiritual trial" which was presented to my masochistic mind.

In the end, I got quite detached from the human situation. I felt miserable and empty, my earthly life became a chaotic junk-yard of puzzle-pieces which I couldn't organise into a meaningful pattern any more.

When I got to the brink of nothingness, I got another chance from life, and I took it: I married the woman I loved, took up the responsibilities of a father, got a loan for our flat, and worked hard, living the humble (well, not so humble, but I tried) life of the average Joe, with the hope that I won't lose the "psychedelic self" in this process.

Since then, seven years have passed, and now I am reasonably sure that this was the greatest decision of my life. I became grounded, found the perfect job which I love to do, have enough money, and a month ago I experienced for the first time the world of Salvia Divinorum, which re-opened my contact with the "spiritual self" in a very powerful way.

Through my experience, I came to the belief that really substantial psychedelic work cannot be done while a person is not grounded in material reality. I can feel the significance of what Archimedes said: "Give me a place to stand on, and I will move the Earth." It seems that the development of material existence and the ego is a necessary pre-requisite for spiritual work: the vessel or vehicle must be prepared before it can be driven by energies coming from the higher realms.

Cellux brings a good point. If your Materium isn't under control, the data you extract from the Warp will not be as valuable. Your corporeal form being crumbled and fracturing can be a good or bad thing: ego dissolution is a double edged sword. Losing the Light can be the same idea.

If you are ready to abandon yourself and start anew, get an anchor point because it sounds like you are close. If you have many doubts, and little confidence, you are not yet ready. Exercise, eat right and prepare like a fighter in a title-bout. This is your spirit, fight for it. Regain control and be better after the fight. PM me if you would like to talk quietly.

Much love, HC.

Thanks for the comments and support guys. There all ways seems to be a shoulder to lean on here at the Nexus. I will post back with the situation update when it happens. Take it easy and be safe.

Soulshine