The following commentary stems from
this trip.
Post trip:
Almost any strong sound, smell, visual, or feeling would send me spiraling into the abyss, threatening me with the red caverns again. I’d visited them spontaneously at age 11 and again at age 21 (when my fever was 104+ degrees). I also suspect I’ve spent time here in my dreams. Post trip, these cycles were happening many times a day. I would pray for sleep. The thought of enduring the waking hours was unbearable. I woke every morning with severe pain in my stomach that would immediately start me spiraling. This was never going to end. I was not getting better, I was getting worse. The anxiety kept increasing. Eating was almost impossible. Avocados were the only food I could get down some days, so I was losing weight
(that I couldn’t afford to lose) like crazy. Physical deterioration was accompanying my mental chaos. I was incredibly desperate for relief.
I felt completely on my own. Other than some much needed LOVE, there was very little anyone could do to help me out of this never-ending cycle of sanity/madness. No information on this planet existed that could fix me. I knew this for certain when I came out of this trip.
Quality cannabis helped in the third week. My body/mind started giving me breaks and my appetite was up. The relief started lessening though after several days. So, I made the decision to contact Martin Ball. I haven't read his book, but I did read his recent DMT article. I'd also heard some of his ideas secondhand through my husband. I have no idea why I thought he could help, but he is the only person who came to my mind.
He was extremely gracious and very aware how raw and fragile I was in that moment. He gave me his take on the trip in great detail. I thanked him for the advice and continued on in my suffering. Absorbing what he had to say, but not really knowing how it might help me
post trip.
After the trip, my focus was 100% in the moment as I tried to control my thoughts. It was so incredibly tiring. I can’t tell you how tiring. If my thoughts go negative, so goes the spiraling. Always. It’s an
immediate reaction to all of the energy that is bombarding me (from every angle at every moment).
This part of Martin’s message stayed in my mind…
Yep. And the way we truly control our thoughts is by getting out of the ego so that we're no longer bombarded by the constant barrage of internal dialogue, judgment, and projection. Allow your thoughts to come and go without doing anything to them. Ego wants to jump on board the train and then start driving it around. Watch your thoughts like waves coming in on the ocean and then they come and go on their own. Our thoughts can make prisons for ourselves and it's our responsibility to liberate ourselves from our self-constructed prisons. We are the only ones who can do that for ourselves - no one and nothing outside of us can do it for us.So, Sunday night I decided to try something. I began chasing my ego around. I started with the premise that everything negative that is occurring can be attributed to my ego. My ego is causing my anxiety (which causes me to spiral). My ego is causing me this physical pain. My ego is causing my sudden intense sensitivity to almost all foods. My ego is basically making me dysfunctional as a human being.
While marinating in this thought, I felt my energy change immediately. It was the first time in four weeks where I felt practically
normal. There was even hope! I knew, however, the real test would be in the morning. Waketime is the worst. To give an idea… The Matrix. Remember the port on the back of Neo’s head where he would plug into the chair? Imagine that in my stomach area. It’s like a port exists and each night this massive cable connects to me. Upon waking, it feels ripped from my body and is very painful. The pain then leads to the spiraling.
So, I wake Monday morning and sure enough my stomach is
pounding. It looks like I swallowed my heart when you see it. (These intense
stomachbeats are very common on my spice trips.) I start to move dark and lose control when I begin focusing on my ego. Talking myself through the experience, telling myself it’s not really happening. It’s an illusion and I have complete control.
After 15 seconds or so, it just stopped. I mean STOPPED. Just like that. I was lying there in the worst possible state (mental confusion/physical pain) and it stopped on a dime. I laid there stunned and was very hesitant to make any sudden moves. Peace. Finally.
I’m on day 2 now and absolutely nothing has set me off today. I didn't even wake with the pounding in my stomach. My appetite is up (without cannabis), my spirits are lifting, and my pain and anxiety have been mysteriously absent since yesterday. I have no idea if this will last, but my gut says it will…so long as I stay diligent on monitoring my ego when I start feeling negative.
To sum it up nicely…
I learned to manage my thoughts by recognizing where my ego likes to play tricks on me. When I could find where my ego was hiding, my energy would shift. A game of hide and seek, if you will. When I find my ego, it makes me smile inside.
The smile is what turns everything around. I am not sick.
I am not going mad.
I am not out of control.
You have no idea how good this feels after four long weeks.Thanks for reading. I hope this will be helpful to someone. It was certainly helpful to me.