I feel like i understand then i dont. i keep learning everyday and teach as much as i can. Dimitri brought clarity to

me... and confusion. nothing makes sense yet at the same time everything works in this insane synchronisity. people

constantly make me feel like they have an up life but they dont truely understand. Im done with trying to enlighten

people. i only want to take the ones i love with me. i life my life by how i feel. I... I dont know what this is

about but i know you all understand, and im hoping someone can give me words to carry on. I feel like nothing matters

but at the same time EVERYTHING matters... everything is matter, or is it? what is real, i guess what i make is real.

I understand that molecules collide coonstantly, I understand that we are all infinite, I get that we are all on the

right path. whatever that means... "doesnt really matter if im wrong im right, where i belong im right!"

I know i cant go backwards now, all the things ive seen and learned are untraceable steps, and i understand that

ignorance truely is bliss. but what do i do now? i just keep doing me, as much as i understand too, and i dont let

others judge me for being real. i just dont care about that shit anymore.

It sounds to me like you are caught midstream; let the current flow, it will take you where you need to go.

I get a very powerful vertigo just contemplating the infinite, and this bewilderment, tinged with terror, is often worse in the days, and sometimes weeks following a strong trip. Do not underestimate the power of these substances, of which DMT is certainly at the top; they confound as much as they elucidate, and when you learn small sketches of truth, one of the first things that is learned is that confoundedness is merely the underside of elucidation, chaos the reflection of enlightenment.

You are correct: nothing matters and everything matters; once the curtain is lifted, we see the illusion for what it is, and we understand that through its very nature an illusion, being unreal, is void of real consequence; conversely we also intimate that this illusion is all we have for the moment, so there is nothing that can matter more. The stakes are as high as you make them.

Holding both of these ideas at once is the great juggling act, and I can tell by your post that you are watching the balls in the air; you need to recognize they are there, but forget the juggling and look beyond that which is juggled - as any good juggler knows, it is the moment of "juggling" awareness that takes the juggler out of the juggling, and causes the hands to falter and the balls to fall...

You are right also in saying that you cannot go back; give it time though, and let things be as they are, and you shall wonder why you ever wanted to return to your old mode.

All different ways of saying what people 'round these parts like saying, and what you intuit: that you are "on the right path" and need time to "integrate".

And BTW, while ignorance may be bliss, true wisdom is peace; give me the evenness of peace over the fickleness and caprice of bliss any day.

Cheers,
JBArk

Before enlightenment: Chop wood, carry water.
After enlightenment: Chop wood, carry water.

thank you.

I feel like i was gonna continue on anyway but your words gave me instant clarity.

and yes i understand as i let go of things i must not come to that realisation that im letting go or "juggling"

because then i have to start back over... damn it! life is too awesome, why cant people understand this?!

... i love you guys. im crying right now... I know i love you people. i wish i could meet all of you but this is

enough... for now

BTW I hate juggling...

Yeah juggling is for clowns