[I know this should go into another sub-forum here, but well, I don't have access to it]

I've been thinking about this for quite some time now. To be more exact, it's been about ten years, but only every now and then do I really think about it. I used to robo-trip a lot. For a period of about 3 months I got to the point that when sober I couldn't remember what I was doing anymore. I was young, I wanted to destroy the structures that society and my parents had forced upon me. I rebelled, like a normal teenager does, against norms, rules, thought patterns etc. For a while DXM was my drug of choice. I can't say why. Perhaps because of the sheer amounts that one could come across, a never ending supply of caughing medicin.

What it felt like for me was complete and utter liberation, at first. It pushed me to a point where I felt like I was ready to die. Not like a near death experience, but a mindset that was so detached from everything that in my mind I was standing at the edge of a un-ending cliff. It reminds me of the Tarot card 'the fool'. Standing on that abyss I felt that I would surely die if I stepped over, but at the same time, there was nothing to lose; everything was possible.

It was an incredible time. Incredibly powerful, liberating, teaching... constructing by deconstruction. At the same time, every time I entered that dark, familiar place I felt like I was paying an enterance fee. I was giving a piece of myself to it. A memory, a feeling, a sliver or my reality that made it its own. I began envisioning the DXM as an entity, a being of demonic nature, that hungered for my soul, my energy. And while I was using its power, it was using mine.

There is a similar analogy in the Never Ending Story by Michael Ende, where Bastian can rebuilt Phantasia with wishes. But every wish he loses a part of himself.

Well, at some point I was tripping on it, I saw the grim reaper himself. I was sitting, completely wasted, in a driveway and I saw death, a dark cloak, a scythe, only shadows for a face, come out of a tree. He stood there in my company for a while and I asked him: are you here for me?

He answered: Not yet.

He lingered, then left again without another word.

I wasn't really freaked out by this, well, not in any unusual way, being on DXM - which was a state of perpetual freaking out for me. A few weeks or days later I wasn't feeling very well thanks to another high dose of DXM and some alcohol I had also consumed. I basically stormed out of my friends house because I needed fresh air. Out on the front poarch I lost all touch with reality. I was in a hallway with a messy and slightly evil looking version of myself telling me in a cold, childish voice to let go. To stop fighting it. The voice sounded hollow, an empty promise that I could get back up later again. Was it coaxing me into dying? It certainly felt that way.

This took place in less than a minute I suspect, because my friends found me lying on the front porch only half conscious. Once I was back in their company I got better again, but I can never forget that voice in my head telling me to lay down, to give up. Telling me it's ok, when obviously it isn't. It sounded so wrong.

So I quit doin DXM after that. I was too scared of it. And I felt it had sucked enough life out of me. Needless to say by then I was psychologically quite addicted to the stuff and it annoyed the hell out of me to stop. Still, clarity eventually returned, and I remembered how to remember things.

A year later I decided to try it again and I had probably the worst reaction in my life. I took a regular dosage and all I felt was nausea. My body and mind revolted against the idea of going back there, and possibly the DXM-demon didn't want me back. I lost my coordination and ballance as well as the ability to speak clearly for about a week. I felt nauseated whenever I stood upright. I had to fake going to school for the entire week and crashed at a friends place during the day, told my parents I was getting a cold but even after 4 days they could still tell my eyes were shifting and trembling... I thought it would never pass. It was the most horrible feeling, because it just didn't wear off.

After about 5 or 6 days it finally did leave my system and I swore never to touch this stuff again. So far I haven't. Don't intend to either. But being older now, the pain that I experienced during the entire period of DXM usage seems distant. It was painful. It was like putting my head through a meet grinder. Every time. Deliberately. I wouldn't want that now. But I don't think I would want to take it back either. It served its purpose.

I wonder has anyone else experienced a DXM entity in that sense? Can anyone relate?

I most certainly can relate to the idea of fighting the DXM demon. Recently, only 3 months ago I tried DXM for the first time. I couldn't remember most of the trip but I was so horribly fascinated with it that later that day I went and got more. I woke up the next day, and got more. Go Forward for about a month and a half, and it was all a haze. I can't remember shit, except portions of my DXM trips that still stick with me. All I know is that I was in and out of DXM binges swearing I wouldn't touch the shit again each time.

Now it's been 5 weeks since I've been in tussin space. It's difficult to say exactly what drew me to abuse dex but, probably the closest thing I can think of is simply how wonderfully dark this drug was. It tore my consciousness out of this reality and into a realm not of enjoyment but endless blankness, and eerie confrontations with dark entities and voices in my head. DXM consumed me.

Looking at the time I suppose this was right up my alley, I was incredibly depressed, stoned 24/7, abusing anything and everything just to escape steadily digging myself a deeper and deeper hole, and DXM was right there with me in fueling my downward spiral.

Now I've come out of it, even if it's only been a short time, gained an entire new perspective on life, taken up meditation, appreciation, and many other pursuits and beliefs which enrich my life. And of course I still think of dex often, but I wouldn't take it back. It took hitting a low point to climb back up to a much better place then I've ever been in my life.

And the Idea of giving yourself to it, well I'm still getting moments of minor depersonalization and depression and also in the Dark I've got a sense of "visual snow" basically everything looks fuzzed out like on a TV with no signal. Both of these are getting better all the time but with dex, you certainly don't get something for nothing.

Thanks for sharing! I guess it's good you're off it now!
I think it takes a certain person to actually like this. Most of my friends only did it once and then quit because they hated the experience. A lot of them reported the feeling they were going to die. It scared them. For me this was liberating at first. Though I guess it was just another shackle and chain in disguise.

Anyway, I'm interested in meeting more benign entities in the future.
Cheers to you!

One of my favorite things about DXM was the death factor. Now and then it felt as though I had truley died and moved on but because of the nature of dex makin me feel lil or no emotions this really didn't bother me at all and instead I went on to create entire false realities in my mind that would grow more and more realistic and layered until they'd shatter and I'd begin to forget and rebuild... definitely one of my favorite experiences on it

That was all in the high dose range 8-9+mg/kg. And I think it's a good thing for me being off it, but thats only because I abused it far too much and the emotionally flat affect of it would begin to carry on into wakin life, something I didn't like too much. However down the road I may intend to mix this in the lower dose range with some other substances, got very interesting and powerful results with hbwr and about 300mg of dex...

i've had issues with DXM before i know about this death factor you're talking about. i had a similar experience i was laying on my back wondering why i kept eating this crap. i could feel the negative effects it had on my body and mind adn while i was in very deep thought and started to fall asleep but the dose i had taken was border-line suicidal so i really didn't want to sleep. i eventually realized i was looking down at myself laying on the floor and i heard something say 'just fall asleep' i thought i'd be toast if i fell asleep so i tried to get back into my body and wake up. i couldn't until finally a girl we knew walked in our room and turned the light on. i immeditally jumped up ran to the bathroom and exercist style projectile vomitted orange goo into the toilet. when i got back out into our room i realized we had only dosed a little over an hour before so the trip wasn't even at it's peak by any means. i think the voice in my head was my subconcious telling me to sleep so i'd make myself wake up. it sounds wierd but i had a mushroom trip a week or so before and i realized i have a horrible problem with athority in the aspect of being told what to do.

it's not good to hear other people have had these experiences but it's reasuring that other people have recovered from the grasps of this evil OTC drug

whoa, scary experience man. glad to hear you survived!
scary how easy it is to drift off into the range of marginally suicidal doses... and for what?

very glad I'm not anywhere near that state of mind anymore. And you too!

I am very glad i never tried over the counter trips like DXM or Robitussin when i lived in the states. It sounds pretty nasty to be honest.

Wow - sounds like you had the robos bad man. So glad you got your head sorted out; you should probably just chalk the dissociatives up as not agreeing with you. There are plenty of other fun fish in the sea, without the addictive potential or the taste of Robo.

SWIM knows someone that was always a bit of a voyager in his youth (10 years ago), and who once bought 100g of DXM from a chemical manufacturer. Never used it compulsively, played around with low doses with his mates, but it wasn't that much fun and very like K. SWIM also tried a few really really big trips (just over 1g; 15mg/kg) to see if I could induce the egolessness and near death experiences so he could compare it to acid. SWIM has to agree that for him it was way more scary than acid (or DMT or Mesc. or Pscillo or Bufotenin) - like you SWIM had this feeling of having died and re-integrated with the cosmos. There just wasn't the wonderment there only being separated from my shell.

Even now; K or DXM leaves SWIM totally cold. Maybe a little bump to help with the aches and pains of a terrible hangover, but never big doses. SWIM is also still stuck with loads of spoonerisms from the DXM days. Can't say pickled chillies; it comes out chickled pillies. SWIM has decided that dissociatives just don't put him in a good place; they can even trigger proper amphetamine style come downs. This is completely different to some of SWIM's K-head friends who go through litres of the stuff!

Still; everybody has their own way! Listen to your body - it speaks the truth of what you should do.