Why was everyone friends with the mushroom? Because he's a fungi.
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If a carrot and a lettuce were in a race, who would win? The lettuce because it's "a head"  Perhaps I am asking the wrong questions but it doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.
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How do you kill a circus clown? Go for the juggler! Why don't orphans play baseball? They don't know where home is The midget fortune teller that kills his customers is a small medium at large. What is Bruce Lee's favorite drink? Wataaaaah!! The dyslexic devil worshipper sold his soul to santa. My friend recently was crushed by a pile of books, but he only has his shelf to blame. Why didn't the life guard save the hippy? He was too far out man. "In the universe there is an immeasurable, indescribable force which shamans call intent, and absolutely everything that exists in the entire cosmos is attached to intent by a connecting link." ~Carlos Castaneda
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A dylaxic man walks into a bra. '"ALAS,"said the mouse, "the world is growing smaller every day. At the
beginning it was so big that I was afraid, I kept running and running, and I was glad
when at last I saw walls far away to the right and left, but these long walls have
narrowed so quickly that I am in the last chamber already, and there in the corner
stands the trap that I must run into." "You only need to change your direction," said
the cat, and ate it up.' --Franz Kafka
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How do you move four cliffs? With a fourclifftruck... “There is a way of manipulating matter and energy so as to produce what modern scientists call 'a field of force'. The field acts on the observer and puts him in a privileged position vis-à-vis the universe. From this position he has access to the realities which are ordinarily hidden from us by time and space, matter and energy. This is what we call the Great Work." ― Jacques Bergier, quoting Fulcanelli
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Having tried absinthe, I can see why Van Gogh painted a chair then cut his ear off. “There is a way of manipulating matter and energy so as to produce what modern scientists call 'a field of force'. The field acts on the observer and puts him in a privileged position vis-à-vis the universe. From this position he has access to the realities which are ordinarily hidden from us by time and space, matter and energy. This is what we call the Great Work." ― Jacques Bergier, quoting Fulcanelli
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What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?
Dr. Dre 
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Ok, first joke:
The drug war *rimshot*
Moving on to the next joke:
Modern american politics *rimshot*
Hmmm...trying to think of another good joke...ok, here's one: alternative facts *rimshot*
-eg
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Here's a couple of last years Christmas Bon Bon jokes:
What do you give the man who has everything? Antibiotics.
Why did the Scarecrow get a promotion? Because he was out-standing in his field.
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A photon checks into a hotel and is asked if he needs any help with his luggage. He says, "No, I'm traveling light."
-eg
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I've been huffing a lot of brake fluid lately. I can stop any time, though. “There is a way of manipulating matter and energy so as to produce what modern scientists call 'a field of force'. The field acts on the observer and puts him in a privileged position vis-à-vis the universe. From this position he has access to the realities which are ordinarily hidden from us by time and space, matter and energy. This is what we call the Great Work." ― Jacques Bergier, quoting Fulcanelli
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Why don't lions need batteries? Because they have manes... “There is a way of manipulating matter and energy so as to produce what modern scientists call 'a field of force'. The field acts on the observer and puts him in a privileged position vis-à-vis the universe. From this position he has access to the realities which are ordinarily hidden from us by time and space, matter and energy. This is what we call the Great Work." ― Jacques Bergier, quoting Fulcanelli
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Here's what might be a new one: What did the pirate say when he noticed his welding gas was missing? Aaar gone... “There is a way of manipulating matter and energy so as to produce what modern scientists call 'a field of force'. The field acts on the observer and puts him in a privileged position vis-à-vis the universe. From this position he has access to the realities which are ordinarily hidden from us by time and space, matter and energy. This is what we call the Great Work." ― Jacques Bergier, quoting Fulcanelli
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An old couple are enjoying a night together in the local pub, when the wife whispers, "I just let out a silent fart. What should I do?" Her husband replies "Well, for starters, you can put a new battery in your hearing aid."
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I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day. "In the universe there is an immeasurable, indescribable force which shamans call intent, and absolutely everything that exists in the entire cosmos is attached to intent by a connecting link." ~Carlos Castaneda
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What did the slug say to the snail?
"Big issue?"
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There's two fish in a tank, and one says ''How do you drive this thing?'' "In the universe there is an immeasurable, indescribable force which shamans call intent, and absolutely everything that exists in the entire cosmos is attached to intent by a connecting link." ~Carlos Castaneda
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I was reversing my car and I thought "this takes me back"
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Ever hear the one about the hippie and the mormon (LDS) church? He misread the sign, thought he was going for a trip and they sent him on a mission.
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Two cannibals, eating a clown ... “Does this taste funny to you...?” " Enjoy every sandwich." - Warren Zevon
"No, they never did turn me into a toad." - Pete (O Brother, Where Art Thou?)
"Are you a time traveller?" "No, I think I'm more of a time prisoner." - Nadia Vulvokov (Russian Doll)
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