I had my first breakthrough with some additional possible breakthroughs (I don't remember but I learned a lot).
The first one was really weird, these entities were bullying me and making fun of me. This gentle woman (maybe a nurse or someone who was really compassionate, reminding me a lot of my mother) scolded the entities (who were without form) and took me away. The entities took me back, but another, kinder set of shorter people took me back and gave me medicine. That was last night.
-- The settings for my first breakthrough and my following trips were very different in a positive way, also -- forgot to mention that. Following trips were in a sunny room, first breakthrough was in a small and stuffy space.
I was pretty nervous for today, but I went ahead at it. I'm honestly not sure what the dosage was, as it melted over the ash and I hit the ash a bunch, but this is what happened:
Got up, did a quick yoga session (I'm a beginner so nothing fancy) but it really cooled my nerves and left me in an exhausted, positively complacent state.
Started off with very little, once or twice hit and held for 20 sec, realized that I needed to surrender myself to the spice if I wanted to learn. Ended up doing 30 sec - 1 minute of yoga while on the downward end, in which I realized that all of my fears were fears in the physical and a bad trip cannot manifest if you realize that you inherently have no fear, and we have been tricked into both believing that we are our physical bodies and tricked to believe that we have fears.
Tried a little more for a few times (I aimed to have more spice each time) and realized that my confusion over the "I am" presence was simple: I am, but I am not what I thought I was. "I am" is not the physical. I realized that I am is actually all human thoughts, all activity, all a ball of collective consciousness (or perhaps this is my individualized energy, but it makes up all of humanity).
I also heard lots of voices telling me to keep going, to concentrate, to focus willpower, telling me I was doing a good job, to try to focus on a single point, a dot, to keep focusing. I also had one point where I was humming different pitches and I felt the vibrations in my perception. It was really great.
I had a realization that we are all divine thoughts, and through that we are made in the divine's image, and through that we are the divine -- hatred should be responded to with agreeableness, love, compassion, and understanding that they are just us but confused. I believe that our conscious desired impartial conflicts to stimulate growth, and there is no better way to achieve impartiality than amnesia.
I also have a new appreciation for animals and really admired my cat and realized how beautiful and exotic it was to have this miniature tiger in "my" (not really my) home, like a monkey in Marrakesh. And I realized that I should not worry about changing my life to make myself happy when all I needed to do was realize I am happy now.
Anyway, I love all of you! I feel really complete and feel like I understand a lot more. I know that my world is yet to be rocked and there is so much more that I will experience and learn, but one step at a time.
