Awesome first post and welcome to the nexus.
I vibe very much with your existential sentiments.
Truly a conundrum. This life we live. Kinda hilarious when you think about it. On the physical level, we're so inconceivably small in relation to the scope of the known universe, yet when you plummet the depths of reality, the depths of consciousness, we are everything, truly...hilarious. The jokes on us.
What is your experience with the various psychedelics/etc? Once again, welcome to the nexus and we're glad to have you aboard.
much love,
tat