Holy cow everyone. I feel like I've had major insight and integration back to my first DMT breakthrough ~2 years ago, some states I achieved during meditation retreats, and why I have been scared of DMT lately. Prior to the first breakthrough I had been meditating solidly in the vipassana/insight tradition for about 6 months, and prior to that, using samadhi tanks (sensory deprivation chambers) at least once a week for a year.

My point behind this post is two-fold: one, to share the experience with others, to both gel it in myself and let others know what is possible, and two, to give us shared terminology around ego death/loss/extinction/annihilation and identity/attachment.

For me, the insights came while reading portions of "Diamond Heart" books, which I will excerpt below. I also credit the insight to taking 3g/day piracetam for the last month. Whether by natural propensity or the fact that I'm alone 95% of the time, I'm extremely right-brain dominant, I think in concepts/images, and prior to taking piracetam had trouble conveying my thoughts accurately into words.

OK so onto the insights. I now see I experienced ego loss my 1st DMT breakthrough. I was completely blasted out of my body and lost all sense of identity/"I". As it was wearing off, I thought to tell my friend "we gotta try this in a samadhi tank", at which point I began laughing hysterically as the concept of self/other literally did not make sense. As I came back to myself I was filled with extreme joy, gratitude, and love for all existence, much more profound than even MDMA. I now understand that I was experiencing what various spiritual traditions call Essence, the True Self, the Holy Spirit, or Buddha nature. As I see it, all religions stem from this experience.

I would later tell people I experienced cosmic oneness, and even used the term ego death, but without logically understanding what these things meant. The beauty of the experience drove me to procure bark and extract spice, to regain this sense of One. I had breakthroughs again, but things got scary, not because of the trips, each of them was amazing, but within 1-2 days after the trips, there was still an extreme apprehension to try DMT again, eventually leading to breakthrough not even occurring. I created a post around this time called "Is is possible to psych yourself out of breakthrough". I now see my fears of DMT/breakthrough originated in my left brain, which is the source of the "I" and seat of logic, because it did not have the understanding of what happened during breakthroughs, only my holistic, intuitive, right brain did. Through piracetam and reading the most excellent description of these states which I attached as text, I was able to integrate things across into my left brain, and now feel much more ready to release into the spice experience deeply again.

Now, to the bit about attachment and identity. This addresses the question of "who am I?". There are various levels of what you can take yourself to be, or identify with. The first level is the name-tag identity, then the body, sensory experiences, the mind-stream, the personal history, up to the Universe itself, when all lower attachments & identifications drop off. So when we take DMT, and try to describe what happens, it matters what we're identifying "self" to be. Until I understood this, I was confused by people saying they "died" on DMT, since I never felt that way. But, if you identify yourself as your body, then experience yourself without a body while on DMT, I can see it would appear that "you" "died". This also explains some of the confusion around ego loss. You can still experience ego without a body (what those identifying with the body would call death), or you can reach a further level and experience the One, at which point your consciousness itself isn't annihilated, only your identity. So, this resolves the paradox of how "you" can experience this without an "I" - at that moment you are pure awareness itself, disidentified from all the lower levels and not attached to anything. I think this also relates to the Leary/Antero Ali 8-circuit model.

The only other thing I would like to say is that I achieved similar states while meditating on retreat earlier this month. I did not experience ego death, but became dis-identified with body, personal history, memories, thoughts/sensations, and reached a true understanding that none of those things defines me and are not truly who I am. This has led to increased freedom, and cessation of many negative habits and mindstates. Before I read the excerpts that I attached, the only way I could describe this was pure calm, joy, and a sense of expansion. Whenever I think back to this feeling, and come especially close to it while in nature or other activities, it fills me with the same feeling of overflowing love, joy, and gratitude for all existence, and I get choked up with tears. At one point as I was reading reports on ego death here last night, tears were literally streaming down my face, and again I get choked up even now as I remember that. I don't know why it should cause this reaction in me, usually I associate tears with sadness, but this isn't a sad feeling at all. I hope this post spawns a good discussion where others can share their own experiences.

I'm sure many concepts I've mentioned here will already be familiar to more experienced members, but I felt like this could benefit some people to help make sense & integrate their own experiences, as it has done for me. I really get it now. We are Love. "I am that".

Looking forward to hear everyone's thoughts. Thank you so much

Excellent post brother.

We live the illusion so well at times, so convincingly. As the layers that make up I are peeled back and peeled back, I've noticed that there is potentially no "I". Just an ever-flowing awareness unbounded by any sort of structure, thoughts, desires, hopes, etc. In some of my deep breathing-meditations, beyond losing my awareness of breath and the outside world, I dissolve in what I can only describe as "a translucent ether of ever flowing awareness with a serenity unmatched". It's so calming, so peaceful, so simple and soo beautiful.

much love,
tat

Thanks for a wonderful post full of inspiration. I can relate the most to your emotional reactions on the whole experience. It is funny how much we are all alike in that sense. Inner peace is what we all want the most. I have to get out in nature more, while it is still summer here. And experience some of that gratitude for existence that nature can inflict upon the human soul that is open to awe and beauty.

I've gotten as far as only being aware of my breathe. Cosmic breathe. My self was making tons of calculations and thoughts and distractions. But that was one serene moment. One that i am prolonging up until now to make self-improvement and eventually detach myself from it all. Or wherever life will take me. It is serene I just wish i woulden't lose my serenity so much of the time

Thank you. Glad to hear this has resonated with you guys. I was not entirely sure it would make sense to someone other than myself, but it was something I simply had to express.

For me I think the tears I mentioned are that of joy, but also an expression of grief, over losing what I thought was myself. In some way it is easier to have this story of who I am, what I'm supposed to be.

Infected, I am very new to these concepts and don't try to know what I'm talking about, but I think complete, non-judgmental acceptance in each moment of whatever is arising for us, whether that be serenity, frustration or something else, is fundamental.

Thinking we should be any particular way other than we are right now creates a kind of prison.

Many blessings

These words struck a cord with my soul. It is not bringing me down to tears or anything but yea. Frustration is a part of me. I was being frustrated with lying awake in bed at 4 am. I just decided to ACT upon the frustration and get the hell out of bed. I feel much better now. I don't need sleep anyway. Not now, atleast. I'm thinking of doing a MHRB extraction or atleast making some preparations.

Who cares that you are new to these concepts? From my point of view you are an enlightened human being. Or atleast, the closest equivalent to one. (Or am i just saying that so as not to blow up your ego?) I don't know. But your words are powerful.