I think I fear the potential fear more than anything. I want to see beauty through substances like a DMT, LSD and Shrooms. I actually have done DMT, in non-breakthrough doses (my first psychedelic ever) and it was immensely beatiful and brought me to tears. Now I fear that whole hyperspace aspect... my chirping doubts say "what if you go insane from a cataclysmic, universal gangbang."
But for all my enthusiasm, there is this pronounced feeling I can only compare to how I imagine first-time bungee jumpers feel.
I want to leap into the unknown, but a part of me wants to avoid fear and discomfort even though I full well know that comes with the territory.
I guess that says something about my personality... seek pleasure, avoid discomfort.
I only want to do these substances to gain insight into myself and life, much of which I am sure is dark and shadowy. For all the light, there is darkness also...
I am predisposed to anxiety, but if I can perhaps maintain mindfulness in the midst of these crazy expetiences, perhaps I will be able to compose my psyche. It has been working in sober reality...
I want to be a fear devourer. Transmute fear into wisdom and understanding, and to bring that into the world.
“Everything changes once we identify with being the witness to the story, instead of the actor in it.”