Since my last freebasing attempt that went strongly awry, I had been afraid of hyperspace. I didn't want to go back in, there was terror where only mild pre-flight anxiety had been before. Those crushing recursive loops of time and space haunted me, even thinking about it for too long seemed to induce the terror - as if I were afraid it would spontaneously coagulate from the mere thought. But something about it intrigued me. I wanted to know what had gone wrong and where had I been? What was this thing that descended upon me that night? I had to know.

I thought about it for a few days, and eventually my fear gave way to my curiosity. I decided pharma would be the way to go, as The Flash is hard to pull anything out of, how sudden and complete the transformation of mind. If things were ony slowed down a bit, drawn out so that I can get a good look at them, I would perhaps be able to work through what had gone wrong. I took 131 milligrams - quite a high dose for my 140 pound frame.

Night one:
It hit me like a ton of bricks or a freight train. The trajectory was so steep it took me off my guard. Quickly, I developed strong tracers, which I know only happen to me on high doses of medicine. This was within the first half-hour of the experience. The cinderblock walls began fractalising in chartreuse and violet, forming snaky wave-forms all moving somewhat randomly at high speed. Heroes was on the tube, everyone's latest obsession around here, and I began noticing that my trip was infiltrating the show. I had the peculiar feeling that the characters were on pharma! Geometric forms were coming together in the actors faces and in their hair, everything they did seemed to relate to what was happening with me. A particular character developed a very strange power, which I wont go into, but what ensued seemed a perfect replication of a DMT experience, at the end of which one of them exclaimed "It's like an explosion in my head!" which I thought was apt. This was absolutely bizarre, so I was closing my eyes to see a high-speed fabric of liquid jewels flittering as if it were a flag in the wind. I looked at the cinderblock - the fractals began to syncronize, the whole wall becoming a single frame of ever-brighter fractals, so bright that they began to envelop me which alarmed me greatly. I tried ignoring it, closing my eyes - but it was behind my eyelids. My mind began racing, how could I stop this? My thoughts were exlpoding, a thousand reverberating voices saying to me in a derisive and commanding way "THIS ISN'T ANYTHING YOU COULDN'T HANDLE". I began seriously considering getting my wife to ask her mother for a dose of a benzodiazepine to turn this off.

Suddenly, it was the bad trip all over. That recursive pattern, that dead-space, was pouring thorough the fractals, feeding on my fear and growing ever stronger. The walls had begun to pulsate with pure white light, imposing on me that my ego and individual self-hood be disintegrated and rejoined with the whole - by force. I'm not sure how long this lasted, but I somehow managed to intellectualize enough to know that taking a benzo to attempt a trip-abortion would be the easy, cowardly way out. I realized with my mind that it would end, but I did not accept in my heart that what was happening, this pure-white-light pouring into me, was actually a good thing and that my mammalian mind was just fearing assimilation into the blissful whole. Eventually, it wound down to the point that I got back to the "The characters on this TV show are going through the same shit!" trip I had been having earlier...
This whole experience sent me reeling, it was one of the most white-knuckle times I've had with ANY medicine. I knew by the end of it that I had not totally worked though what the issue was, but I had established that my ape-ego was trying desperately to hold on against this crash-course in unity called DMT. I had found the root of the problem...
...now just to uproot it...

I wouldn't think of ever having a tv show on while
Doing this stuff. I think that could be part of your issue .
Any kind of man-made distraction is a big no no for me .
Especially some kind of cultural trite television entertainment droning
In the backround. I don't understand .
This is intense sacred stuff ,Why be distracted by anything
Other than the experience itself ?

I have usually found the same thing to be true, I'm normally quite bothered and alarmed by TV while tripping (I don't live at this house and don't have a TV or electrical outlets or a house!!) but I can honestly say that that had nothing to do with it... during the peak the LAST thing on my mind was the TV. In fact if anything it kindof helped keep my mind from splintering altogether. Heroes has honestly been distracting me from my normal waking consciousness more than it was distracting me from being absorbed into the essence of being. Also, there wasn't an "issue" other than the total dissolution of my sense of self, and the recurrence of the themes from my previous freebase experience. This isn't a bad thing, it is just alarming to a mammal.

This is "part 1" of a two-night experience. The next segment is the resolution in which I come to terms with the fear that had been holding me back from exploring this space and have some very enlightening, sacred, and joyful life-changing revelations, the like I have never experienced before!

Thank you though, I do know what you mean.

EDIT: I also just re-read this and found that I was mostly talking about the come-up and didn't go into great detail about the nature of what was actually happening during the peak. Lots of childhood things and stuff with my wife that was bubbling up and referencing everything that was going on... I'll have to re-work this one...!