PrefaceRecently I’ve not been feeling my greatest, I’ve spent the past few weeks feeling regret and remorse for past actions and anger at the lingering effects I felt I had brought on myself due to these.
In the past week I have received reassurance from a couple of amazing people which has been a massive help in reassessment and coming to terms with my past. My journey this evening seems to have given me the confirmation I needed to move on with a logical and healthy perspective.
JourneyThis week my GVG got delivered and despite the excitement I managed to hold back for 4 days without putting it into use. I don’t normally work during daylight hours but for some reason this evening seemed like the time.
My first go was a misfire, the torch didn’t come with much fuel, the flame went out a couple of times and although the 30mg I loaded seemed to vaporise it showed little effect beyond baseline.
I set about loading up with a 40mg dose and refilled my lighter then got back under my duvet. Turned on my side I put pipe to mouth and took a long slow toke, getting everything in one go. Vapour was unexpectedly cool and exceptionally easy to take down. Exhalation. Everything absorbed, nothing lost to the out breath. Everything in my visual field started to vibrate rapidly and within 10 seconds I was losing all grip on reality, I managed to understand that I had the GVG in my hand and placed it down.
From the point of putting the pipe down reality had pretty much disintegrated. What happened from then on is either difficult for me to remember or close to impossible to elucidate. The only things I can currently be sure of is the feelings of pain and disappointment, both my own and of others; and hearing a sound that I was sure was my mother crying. I felt truly awful. It was though the feelings resulting from everything I had ever done wrong were compressed into the space of 10 minutes.
Coming out I felt throughly shattered. I felt like shit, on top of this the OEVs were still such that I could barely comprehend my surroundings. Everything was either broken into shards or melting and everything had a distinct deathliness to it. I started to wonder– Where am I? When am I? Who am I? What is the reality I am in? It was as if my old reality had disappeared and my life itself had reset. I had no clue what was there for me, what reality I was now left in, what I had left. An “Oh shit. What have I done” moment.
Given a few minutes the visuals had subsided slightly, but I still didn’t have a clue where or when I was or what the outside world held for me. I gingerly got up to make an examination. I looked though the weave of my curtains and saw something faintly recognisable in the form of a shop sign across the road, but still I had no clue as to what my situation was. I looked around a bit more and spotted some cactus seedlings I had in the corner of my window sill, somehow this was the reassurance I needed that I was actually in the same place I embarked from.
The reality I left was still there. The relief was immense. As the fear of the possible loss of reality as I knew it subsided it was replaced by a deep thankfulness, a feeling that no matter what reality was like – it was still there.
It seems this was the big reset I have aimed for for so long. In the last week I feel I have turned a corner, but with this I feel I am on a whole new road. I already live my life trying to do the best I can, like everyone I fuck up at times, but now I feel more happy that my fuck ups need not be the issue I felt they were. Life is pretty damn good, amazing even. I am thankful for what I have and have a point to move on from. I am a good person and I don’t need to beat myself up about that which cannot be changed, if I carry on as I am, I am doing fine. I have so much and am so lucky in so many respects there is no need to wallow, what I need to do is stop wallowing and get on with it.
I hope I can continue to access the thankfulness and optimism I feel now. I am truly happy to be alive and in this reality at the moment, whatever problems it may throw at me. Life is pretty fucking good.
AddendumI would like to thank those in the chat who were there whilst I typed out poorly-spelt swear words and a rambling regurgitation of my thoughts!
As a side note – the hype about the GVG is well-founded. That device is incredible. If it was a single use item it would be worth the expense for this evening’s experience alone! 40mg plus the residue that was probably left over from my misfire was far too much. I will try to work with 30mg and under from now on I think.
A bit of Eckhart Tolle that popped up in front of me earlier seemed quite apt, so I will end with that…
Quote:As long as part of your sense of self is invested in your emotional pain, you will unconsciously resist or sabotage every attempt that you make to heal that pain. When you make an identity for yourself out of the pain, you cannot become free of it. To suddenly see that you are or have been attached to your pain can be quite a shocking realization. The moment you realize this, you have broken the attachment.