So on my fourth attempt I finally made a brew that worked. I really wanted to have the full experience with the purge, but my very good friend who was accompanying me was uncomfortable with the vomiting, so I used egg whites to remove the tannins.

I initially decided to try Aya because I am profoundly unsettled by the artificial character of smoked DMT. However, as it approached everything started becoming very “clean” and I could tell that it was going to be *very* similar to that experience. This is not what I wanted, but as I have read on several other posts, “Aya gives you what you need, not what you want”.

I am not ashamed to say that I panicked when I discovered I would be stuck in cirque berserk for the next couple hours/eternities. I stuck my finger down my throat trying to mitigate the intensity, but by that time there was no throat. Suddenly, I got the strange feeling that this was a lesson. It was not your usual 'positive' message, but something to the effect of, “You prevented the purge for the sake of your friend. You suffer because you help others. You get into these economies with people and they become traps.”

I’ve heard that the original Sanskrit word for “attachment” that Buddhist texts use in their maxim, “free yourself from all attachment” means to give up the ego’s attachment to everything—even good deeds. However the next message from Aya, which by that time, was set against something so scary I can’t yet describe it, seemed to call for compassion: “Don’t be petty. Listen. Be Nice. Or Else.” I’m sure I don’t need to tell you guys that I wouldn’t want to know what that “Or Else” was about, so I BEGGED for mercy and promised I would, and it eased a little.

Now, two days later, that residual feeling of being able to decipher Mother Aya’s messages has worn off and I feel like I no longer have any internal compass to tell me when I am using the ego to really do something for someone else and when I am doing it out of genuine compassion. In fact, in this world, I think I only believe in spontaneous acts of compassion—things that happen automatically, since otherwise I think the ego must get something out of its “good deeds” (then again, can they be considered compassionate if they are automatic?) I am genuinely confused and it now seems like a dream, but I fear for my soul if I do not honor my promise.

How articulate! This made me LOL and have a flashback at the same time! I don't even know what to say, I'm as utterly flabberghastly as you are

Wow. Thank you for this report. SWIM is inexperienced with aya and finds your report very lucid and skillful at conveying the POWER. What was your prep/dose?
L

I used:
114g B.caapi
75g Psychotria viridis
(totals are for 2 people)

and Ms. Minxx's wonderfully thorough instructions (All About Aya) in the Ayahuasca section of this site. I also found this quick reference very helpful for dosage advice: http://bit.ly/hWhDmw

I tried to cut corners the first couple times (both practically and spiritually), and I understand why that was a mistake now.