Last week a friend came over to smoke changa. Pretty much a 1:3 cappi mix with a little pau d'arco and blue lotus thrown in. I've only had a pure spice breakthrough once (so far) and while it was a wonderful experience, I am approaching hyperspace with caution. My friend had only experienced psychedelics four times before this, and the plan was that I would sit for him. It didn't work out that way. And I paid a price. An exquisitely painful price that lead to a glorious resolution.
It had been a fairly difficult day. My father is sick and dying. My mother is in a confused world of dementia. My business is booming at exactly the wrong time ( I know I shouldn't complain about that, but still ) and I'm busier than ever. So I was just going to sit for my friend. That's all. We had a difficult time getting together. Juggling our schedules, trying to finish our days so he could go into hyperspace. Which was the plan. His first full on hyperspace journey... but he was getting cold feet, which I think is perfectly understandable. His anxiety fed into mine and a feedback loop started. I reassured him that he was under no obligation to go into hyperspace and his anxiety faded quickly. Mine however, remained, bubbling and throbbing in dull little explosions through my brain and body. I voiced the opinion that maybe I shouldn't sit for him. He said that he would be fine and was excited to go farther than before via changa. I agreed and got him started. He was quickly into an obviously ecstatic space, eyes open, exploring the new state of my basement recording studio / sh*tpile.
I
however, though sitting on the floor with him, cross legged, smiling mildly and serenely, was in a much different space.

Every time he took a hit, he would hand the pipe to me and I would hold it until he was ready for another. I don't know if I got a low dose from breathing the smoke coming off the pipe or in the air, or if it was just placebo, but something was happening. The dysphoria of low dose DMT was happening. Also some mild visual distortions. I was getting more and more anxious. In the past, the solution to this was, in the words of Gammagore... MORE CHANGA!
I resisted, but it kept getting worse, as my friend rose to higher and higher peaks of ecstasy: "Look at that!" " Wow! Everything!" and "No, I can't look at the Todd Rundgren album anymore, it's too perfect and fits in too well! Ha!". He was having an amazing time and I was being consumed by anxiety and dread, while simultaneously feeling happy for my friend who was floating in a world of pleasure and revelation.

Then, I did the perfectly wrong/perfectly right thing. I said out loud "Screw it!", and put the pipe to my mouth and lit it. It was an act of defiance. I knew it as soon as I lit the pipe. It was part impulse and part calculated attempt to escape my growing discomfort. I felt the familiar anesthetic pulse and heard the buzzing begin. I took another big hit and closed my eyes as my 15 foot wide floor to ceiling cd shelf frowned disapprovingly at me and the edges of everything in the room fractalized into disappointed hexagons.
I closed my eyes and a dark curtain fell, like unfurling dusty black velvet in an abandoned theater. Out of the darkness, to my left, I was shown an endless parade of dripping, obsolete circuitry, fidgeting with traceries of sick green light that fizzled to unimpressive sparks at the broken edges of the dead boards. White hot knives of silvery pain lanced every part of my mind and body, fusing the physical and mental parts of me into cauterized stumps of amputated ego debris. H.R. Giger style alien faces peered at me with pity and disgust. Rows of Giger bald goggle wearing stoics passed by me in some sort of uninterpretable judgement. I was sitting upright at this point. I gave into my misery and buried my head in my hands.
Another type of darkness surrounded me and I saw a blue orb in front of me. I could also see a blue version of my actual physical self from above, below and all perspectives. I felt a deep despair and said the phrase that so many of us know so well. "If I can get through this, I'll never take anther drug again". Then the first true entity in this experience spoke up. "Except THIS one / ME."
I sat up. I still had my eyes closed, but I could feel a presence very close to me. Right in front of my face. Suddenly, the anxiety, fear, feelings of hopeless desperation and dread left me. They were instantly replaced by the most incredible sense of joy I have ever felt.

I heard: "Oh my god! Your face!" and I opened my eyes. The face of my friend, inches from mine, tears streaming down his cheeks, smiling in mad ecstasy is what greeted me. He told me later, that right before I opened my eyes, a blast of bright blue energy blasted out from my head. Then again, he also told me about the purple sunset over by my drum set.

The rest was pure bliss, as I lay back on the floor, knowing that all of my anxieties and fears where worthless wastes of time and energy. Knowing that there was work to be done, and secure in the fact that it was something I could accomplish.

It was a productive night for my friend too. What an incredible tool this stuff is. I hope I can figure out how to use it well.

Does anyone have any opinions on using changa in times of crisis? Am I playing with fire?
Thanks for taking the time to read this.

Wow, what a beautiful report. Your writing style is really absorbing and fun. I particularly loved reading this as I'm struggling a lot with fear when on psychedelic journeys and it's time to get over it, possibly with the help of dmt. Thanks for sharing your story.

Thanks. I'm glad you got some hope from my post. This was an isolated incident. Usually the fear is in the beginning of the trip and another hit will take me over that hump. I have anxiety before every changa/dmt experience, and almost every time, after the first couple hits, I am wondering what the hell I've been waiting for. I'm actually glad that I have hesitation. It's a self limiting factor built in to DMT for me. I'd much rather keep my use to a minimum and do it only when I feel the time is right, which is usually the case (exception being this post!) It seems to be a matter of embracing whatever effects are happening or about to happen. Things seem to clear up anxiety for me every time. My one friend advises me (and others) to smile. This actually seems to work. Even if you fake it.
Another friend says that even if confronting a terrifying scene, all he has to do is say "Okay, that's fine" and he gets positive results. I'm not saying that this will work for you, but it might.
I'm glad you like my writing. Thanks. I haven't been writing or reading books much for the last 6 years (since my son was born). I'm usually reading books to him or writing little books with him. I thought I'd lost the ability to write, which in my case has always been touch and go. I still listen to a couple hundred audio book every year, that's a good half measure I guess.

What has your fear been about during your experiences? If you don't mind sharing.

I'm planning on making a thread about my fear soon. In short, I think it (the ego?) is preventing me from breaking through on anything by threatening with intense nausea. Seeing as i have serious puke-o-phobia this is a big problem.

Thanks for your advice. There is a lot of truth in what you say for sure.

Great read. I love hearing other peoples experiences. I know how breaking through can be a little scary. Before you do it you have to be in a comfortable inviroment that you feel 100% at ease in. Take the dosages and let your mind go. Thats the biggest obstical to face when having a breakthrough. Most people tend to fight it because it's their natural reaction. If you go into it with an open mind you will be just fine.

its very easy to say things like 'let your mind go' and 'free yourself from the ego' when actually this can be the hardest challenge some of us may face in life. it is the art of the buddha after all and can easily take a lifetime. there is no how-to here, there is no 'ego shattering for dummies' book to guide you through the process of transcending yourself.

instead, its through powerful tools like DMT that some may learn how to free oneself from a self-centred and often fickle 'ego'. when the ego is challenged we are overwhelmed with fear and anxiety and possibly other negative emotions that cloud our true self. DMT is absolutely a direct and often violent challenge to the ego, and so naturally our defence mechanisms will take hold.

how you come to deal with these challenges is absolutely up to the individual. personally ive found that repeat DMT experiences over measured periods of time does help to get the measure of your own ego, learn more about your the boundaries of yourself and your weaknesses, and ultimately how not to be a victim of those weaknesses. DMT has helped me understand this more than any other tool or teaching, and i do it with full knowledge and appreciation for the fear and the anxiety that is inherent with the experience.

i think my post signature is particularly apt at this point...

so true. whenever i feel the ego defense mechanisms (nausea, dark images) activate i tell myself 'its ok' and 'be at peace with it' but apparently the ego knows there is no real conviction in those words.