I have been doing this "thing" for as long as I can remember. I'll play out little scenarios in my head where I'm having a conversation with some loser and they are telling me how cool I am or how great I am at something. Sometimes I even get carried away and will continue this pseudo-conversation for quite some time. What I have noticed though is that over time these false perceptions that stem from the pseudo-conversations begins to subconsiously shape my general attitude and feelings toward that person. This has damaged many relationships in my life.

More recently I have been catching myself early on the pseudo-conversation but the tendency to do it is still there. Its pathetic really.

Last night I had a VERY unpleasant real conversation with someone very dear to me. without going into too much detail I said some VERY hurtful things-- I was the cause of the unpleasantness. The more I think about it the more I realize that the hurtful things I have said were almost entirely based on false encounters I had with this person. Its sad really, because Everyone is unique; it's not like I can just toss this person aside and go find another one. I'm not even sure what point I was trying to get across or If there was a point to made at all.

I don't know why I have been so filled with negative feelings toward people, but when I try to express these feelings, it comes out in all different directions and I end up hurting people.

[analogy] Its kind of like say, hunting birds with a shotgun. you only really meant to shoot one bird, but since there are other birds close by and shotguns spray bullets you end up hitting 5 bids instead of one. frusterated, you blame it on the 4 other birds and just say "well, they go in the way" when in fact the real problem is that you are shooting birds in the first place. it sucks that only after killing innocent birds I can realize that...