My first experience was nothing short of awe inspiring.
The substance used was a yellow oil produced by a personalized a/b involving acetic acid, naoh, a secondary acid wash (I kept pulling basified liquid into my collection because I was using a large baster+1g carboy making those last few Oz impossible to pull straight. I also evaporated a small portion of my Dimitri laden nps within some 99.9% usp ipa to aid in evaporating water that kept jumping into my dish during the hot bath evap.
I did not bother measuring the oil such task seemed meaningless and would require undue effort and loss of yield instead I rubbed the copper coil from my machine and rubbed it about my dish soaking as much as I could in.
Intention:humble exploration, if I get sent to deep hyperspace so be it but this was not the goal. Lately I've been stuck ruminating on the concept of mortality. Having had several nde's I've become seemingly terrified by the concept of death. This was my attempt to prove to myself that there is absolutely nothing to worry about. My dosage was aimed at a respectful "knock on the door" and not a rude intrusion into hyperspace as I've see and heard others attempt their first try.
Set:clear head, peacefully calm and resigned to the experience at hand whilst being simultaneously unsure/mildly nervous
Setting:my favorite place, my garden/back yard in a hammock facing my favorite tree who passed this winter to a fungal infection I couldn't beat. I'm alone but having had a long history of psychedelic usage I feel safe undergoing this experience alone. On the contrary I prefer to undergo my experiences alone in general, it allows me the ability to go deeper into my psychology and address issues I may have guarded or hidden even from myself.
I'm laying in my hammock patiently taking in my surroundings waiting for the moment to feel right. Again, I'm knocking for a howdy neighbor not asking for a cup of sugar. At some point I feel ready as the breeze passes and subsides. I apply my flame to the machine and gently inhale holding in the vapor. It's not as harsh as everyone I've heard personally explain it as. It's smooth and unoffending. I hold it in for as long as I can thinking to myself "huh.... "I don't think anythiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii" at this point I feel my psychy gently being pulled from my body. I don't "blast off" but there's a clearly defined dissociation going on between body and soul. Immediately a wave of empathy overcomes me. I start to cry at how beautiful it all is. At this point I'm not experiencing oev or cev just the sudden paradigm shift alone was inviting and warm like a mothers embrace. I start to see the errors in my behavior, the way I interface with people and animals a thought that immediately envelopes me; the grand delusion, ultimate oxymoron. I'm not just human I am an animal no different than the Bluejays and cardinals that keep me company. We are all one we are all here together and we all have to leave some day.im no better or worse than the "wild life" around me. This concept alone makes me realize domestication is the outlier, we're meant to be WILD. I have no right to eternity I'm simply a guest in this world and some day my welcome will be worn out. It will be time to go and there's no kicking or screaming about it. But I'm at peace here. I realize It scares me so much because I don't control it. I realize I don't have to control everything and that I'm hurting myself and others thinking so. I've been selfish in that regard. I keep hitting my machine and slowly step into mild oev. Now the plant life around me comes to mind slowly changing colors from greens to blues my favorite color. Dancing in color and ever present. My attention comes to the tree at my feet. The one that passed this last winter to a fungal infection I just couldn't get ahold of. My friend, my daughter's companion, I feel saddened but again I realize, we all have a time. I can't save everyone we all have to go some day. But at least I tried. Slowly I come to terms with all the friends and family I've lost since the pandemic started.. coming to terms with 5 separate losses at the same time was like the weight of the world just slipped off of me. Water off a ducks back. I still care but I'm not burdened by the irrational guilt of not being able to stop their untimely passing. I take another hit, things are going well here and I can tell I'm making rapid but again gentle progress. This hit I ripped the ever living shit out of the machine producing a thick white vapor in the chamber. I hold it and feel myself slowly being pulled back out I've edged a little closer to the "gate" of hyperspace as indicated by intense cev my first cev I've ever noticed. Usually I like being outside opene eyed at night while I trip.
As I close my eyes I feel a vibrant red light overtake me. I panic. Red scares me for some reason, last time I experienced red during a trip I ended up taking a bath in Gatorade jumping from a chair out of fear. This time I recognize the irrational fear and I remember settling myself " it's okay, you're still HERE" I remind myself that I'm not physically in danger and that it's okay to allow this unfamiliar experience to happen. I lay there in the breeze watching these kaleidoscopic patterns dance around my body less soul. Slowly the kaleidoscopic patterns fade into what appears to be a lava flow. Again I panic, is this hell? I open my eyes and remind myself my body is still there. I close my eyes and go back to the magma chamber watching in awe as the lava flows about me slowly yet powerfully. I can tell I'm coming back down and I've exhausted the sample of Dimitri I had alloted for this experience. My fiance had let the dogs out and when I open my eyes they're there to great me back. Its evident our deaf bulldog can tell I'm not "right" so she proceeds to nudge and beg for pets. The visuals faded but the empathy didn't. It was like putting my soul infront of a funny mirror yet getting a clear image of life itself. My perceptions where wrong on several fronts my approach to life was based on fear and protecting my ego. Dimitri taught me in 30~ minutes that there is no need to protect my ego. We kept nothing when we go where we are going. So I insist. Love those around you, some times we don't get to say goodbye.
It may not have been a full blast off but the experience was profound and beneficial. Years od existential dread were obliterated without hostility or prejudice. It felt like... I was being counseled by a loving and nurturing... "thing" for a lack of better words. I can't say mother or father I can't even explain what it was but it felt like something was walking me down this psychological path. The closest thing I can equate it to is the Christian concept of a "holy spirit" I felt like a child being walked through a zoo trying to stop and look at all this unnecessary stuff but my guardian kept me on the path and out of the lions den. "You can look but don't touch". Going into this I fully expected to be jetter into the void like I was with Salvia several years ago but this was much much more comforting and less jarring.
Thank you for your time and any replies you may have
I went into this experience without a clear direction and obliterated a large amount of undue depression. I simply don't see why this isn't more commonly used. All those years of working with fungi did wonders for me but dmt did all of that and more in a minute fraction of the time. Now I'm sure some one will chime on and say "you didn't do enough if you can remember all of this" but that was the point. I didn't want to jump into the middle of the ocean. I needed to prove to myself I could tread water before I went to the deep end. Don't worry, soon enough I will go deep but for now I'm thankful for having had this opportunity.
In loving memory of:
Norman
Sandy
Grandma
Christian
Sarah
Jacky
Aaron
"Get the message, hang up the phone" ~ some old hippie probably