Has anyone developed Apeirophobia (the unbearable of the idea of infinity) after using psychedelics? I feel I might have such trepidation now...

It all started some months ago that I unwisely had cacao and some nootropics that I was experimenting with. Then that evening, thinking there was sufficient time gap it'd be ok, but something went overboard. That evening when I smoked dmt, I went into a state of being in complete brightness with no sense of my body - I literally did not feel my limbs for a period of time. It was nothing but just bright light to the point of total overwhelmingly too much but there's nothing I can do. Finally I did the only thing I could do, that is to focus my mind on one single spot in front of me. Then suddenly but gradually came back. It was too scary, way too much - to be lockin in such situation forever...

After many months, recently, I decided it's probably time to experiment again. I've only micro-dose acid and shroom here and there. And I specifically avoided cacao at least for two three days before. Then I smoke about 30mg dmt (not completely emptied) so most likely about 25mg.

First I feel the vibrations in the body, second toke, hold... without seeing any fractal and suddenly, boom - I'm in a fast moving reality of scenes and fractals all mixed together - it's like I am in all these elements - scenes of unable to describe but highly spiritual undertone through my intuitive senses. The brightness is still overwhelming - the energy is almost too unbearable, but at least I can perceive most of the scenes despite they are moving at overwhelming speed.

One thing I have to mention is that after the second toke, I lay down, but immediately sit up. The energy entering me was too much to stay lying down. While I'm closed eye, my arms automatically move in circular repeating motions - with Gyan mudra as if trying to direct the overflow of energy. It went on for as long as I could had remember, but I am unable to remember most of the scenes.

It's impossible to describe the moving scenes and I cannot remember as vividly as I'd like. The thing is - at some point - I felt like that unceasing evolution scenes have been going on for eternity and eternity - and I cannot do anything but just accept - it's like you jump into a lake but didn't realize that you continue to drift down into the deeper water where there's no bottom. There's nothing else I can do but just be. And at one point I returned, but not yet completely - I was in a white space where my body is just a glowing white energy with parts that seems to peel off like digital scales. I was like oh f*ck I've done it this time. Again, with a bit of resignation - I just allow it because there's nothing I can do otherwise...

I don't know how long, but then I came back to my body senses - I can at least feel my body and limbs to have conscious control. I climb off the bed and open the door trying to get away and get back to reality... I felt onto the carpet at the doorway and feel the carpet. My only thought is - it is good to be alive, it is a blessing to be able to anchor within the physical world, it is a gift to feel tangibly. I crave for the deep peace in silent meditation most of all....

After more than a dozen dmt in addition to aya ceremonies.... The last few trips just got too overwhelming. It could had been that the combinations of the psychedelics and nootropics that I was experimenting had altered my brain significantly that my dmt trips have taken onto a whole 'nother level.

All I can say is - it is way too much for me to experience the infinite eternity in those unceasing creations in rapid successions where I am one with all the elements within (if I am able to make an abstract description). I think I haven't been anchored enough in this Earth and physical reality in a way that I'm more detached than I should have been. It's time for me to put this away for a while until my life is more rooted.

Nevertheless, the moment I lay flat on the doorway carpet, when I regain all the senses, was the moment I, the ego, felt so grateful to be alive - in a very strange way, the familiarity of the physical reality and the sense of self in this body... it's a gift. I'm just glad, giddy if you'd, like a kid who attempted a stunt and barely made it.

It seemed I've went through hundreds and hundreds of evolutions in the last trip and have downloaded so much, but it is time to take a hiatus. Because my deep trepidation to face again in the overwhelming eternity for infinite. Way, way too much...

Thanks for reading....

.Peace be with you.