My Trip on My Aya.

First. I’m weird.
I always had some unusual ease to trigger some meditation states. Things like heighten sense of visual depth, something similar to increasing FOV and saturation in games. Heighten sense of touch, to the point I was able to feel my blood circulating in all my veins. Or even the feel of unity with the world. Those instances ware triggering in me sporadically, when totally sober. Sadly I weren’t able to turn them on demand I never mastered it.

Idea of psychedelics, hard drugs or even alcohol, was absolutely forbidden for me.
For a long time I felt: “If my body and mind are sporadically being hit by those states, I’m scared of what will happen on any drug”.
Just to add, I had different diagnostic medical tests and I always was healthy.
Eventually alcohol happened and also did cannabis. Some of my meditation states hit me on those, but as I found, alcohol gave me much of blissful ignorance.
I was not even reacting to those states. In some way, alcohol gave me immunity to them.
Cannabis, on the other hand, just felt numb and boring: “wait In empty room”.
There was one event on cannabis - merging with one other person, but that person was scared of it, so I dropped it.
Did cannabis two more times, but again, boring for me.

I grow Depressed. I really did not care anymore.
DMT looked for me like it is my last time I can try to understand why. Why I’m so sad, what do I miss in myself, why I have so many different “meditation states” and why I’m scared of some parts of those states (probably why I was no able to control them).

I brewed my Aya with care, but after reading and watching videos I was getting more and more convicted that I did it wrong. Ideas like “I overturned DMT and is not potent anymore” and “best parts ware wasted in the sink” or “My herbal mixture probably broke DMT alkaloids” and many more. So, when from 50g DMT root I made 800ml brew, I just went “Fuck IT!” and did around 200ml. I waited for “nausea” to calm down and was surprised how fast it was. So, I told myself “It’s probably very weak” and took another 200ml. I put on my headphones and turn on random, but chill NewRetroWave vibes. I close my eyes and it did not took long to trigger “Dancing lights”, but in my case it was more like “colorful dancing code”. They felt familiar enough. First, I let the music control them. Then I took control. Then I opened my eyes to see If they are there too. They ware. Closing my eyes again. Now it is long minutes of being relaxed and letting colors dance.
Suddenly need to piss. So I stood up, looked at the jar and I was like: “I do enjoy the show. Small and fun”. I took another 200ml.
To the toilet.
Toilet mirror was fun. Just looking to myself from different perspectives, without moving. Waiting for my demon to stare at be back, nothing. If anything, my reflection time/reality shifted. Cool, but nothing special compared to some of my dreams. I liked that the shifted reflection did not washed out after I focused on it – just like dreams.
Going back.
I looked on the big clock on the wall, next to the toilet. Something weird and familiar about it.
Never mind, just go back to bed.

When I came back to bed. Moving colors wanted to visualize codes of nature, plants and animals, but I insisted for them to create planets and galactic. They ware happily to compile.
So I enjoy myself, but at this point I thought “If I really want to relax, I want Emptiness”.
Music off.
I’m making colors fade – pushing them away.
I see “ocean of nothing”. I feel like I sense the eternal 3D Axles of Symmetry for universe.
I’m just sitting in the center of universe and surrounded by a beautiful black ocean of peace.
I (irl) whispered: “Is anyone there?”. My voice freely spreading on that ocean. I’m actually happy. I took a deep happy breath. I’m comfy in bed and feel free, without chaos.
I repeat my whisper again and again, calm and happy.
Suddenly! I’m there!
Just for one moment, but I was there. Did not felt my bed. I swear, I felt floating there, out of my body.
I immediately forced myself from bed.
I did that, because In that moment I realized… I did Aya Good. I drank 600ml of it. At least 35g…
I was intrigued what will happened, but I know that I fucked up.
My first instinct was to tell to my Trip-sitter, that “The real shit I about happening and I do not fully know what to expect, but everything will be fine”.
But then I was drown to the clock again.
I froze staring at it, as I realized what was wrong.
Clock was moving, but not for me…
The clock that was “real” for me and overlapping clocks from “other perspective” ware different.
The “real” one was stuck and I was stuck with it.
Like a on VHF tapes, getting fast-forward and rewound, I saw time loop starting.

It was a weird realization that I already was in the loop, I knew what I was hoping to do, what will happened and how I already failed. Everything already happened, but it didn’t at the same time. Full vision of time being like a “3D” cutout from a reality.
I saw myself, trying to explain to my sitter, what is happening, how and why.
I saw successful version of it and I saw what will really happened. That I will open the door, and just scare her, as I will not be able to talk straight. But fuck it, I opened the door, looked at the digital watch there and boom!

I’m stepped into a trap. In desperate try to break the loop I closed the door.
Too late, everything I experienced just started.
I knew the results of actions, but I just saw myself like a wind-up toy car.
All accumulated Intensions and emotions, in the loop, ware glued to me. All fresh – in the same time. Future and before was meaningless. I weren’t in my body anymore. I was observing myself in third person. Just sporadically going back to “play that role in the loop”.
Loop was happening and happening.
Sometimes I ended up looking at alternative version of events, but always coming back to play my parts in my reality. Sometimes out of order. Sometimes for a longer, sometimes for split second.
It is obvious that I did not wanted that to happened. I scared my sitter and I was scared myself, for a moment.
I felt like I know, like I understood those loops my whole life. So I started to mess things up.
I forced myself to focus on what is happening, for the next time I will be in my body, to do something out of the loop. And I did. Random jumping jack here, or push-up there. And after some more visits in: “out of the body waiting room of emotions”, this absurd broke the loop, like some annoying hiccup. Sitter is freaked, but I’m happy. Loop is slowing down.
Vomit!
…Last deep breath, before the real Trip.
Before that.
In the loop everything was fragmented - out of time or space. While there, as a “floating observer”, I had my times reflecting on: “why I even want to go back”. I dissected my feelings. I let it all go. I floated empty and isolated. Other time I focused on my reignited-love to anyone in my life.
For me It felt like infinity. Time was me and I was time.
OK.
I’m in body.
I took the deep breath and sit on the ground, tired.
My sitter said that it is then, when my pupils, became so big, she couldn’t see any white parts. Even when she spread my eyelids.

I’m back in my room, before drinking Aya. But wait, room is slightly different. Everything moves fast. I see myself, talking to someone. This is like my memories. That person tells to me not to do something. That wasn’t to me. This is different dimension. Talking person is just a recording on laptop. “Other me” does the thing. He looked at a paper with some symbols on it. He did something before looking at paper. He believes it’s a secret to see the reality for what it really is. He is happy. We both see the truth. We are able to see matter, and understand it. We can touch it. There is like a “bearing” surrounding us. No! This is an anchor with the body. We can’t stop seeing! Bearing is broken! We were never truly human. We try to forget it! Surge of memories and knowledge. Consequence of being free is not being able to go back. We can’t forget the key!
Like being pushed to the water, with butt to the pool. With eyes wide open, and seeing as everything slowly is turning more and more white.
Eventually everything collapsed.
I was now alone (kind of).
The white color was just an illusion. There ware so many colors, creating webs. All been so bright, so in the end it became a white ocean.
What I had before me, was True Infinite. Ocean of all possibilities, separate dimensions. Inside the realm of Time. If trying to focus somewhere, orbs focuses out of energy. Those orb ware realities, but once you lost view of something, it was turning into blurred energy. Any orb refocused in the same place was not the same as before. Energy already mixed millennia, in one “blink”.

And there was I, feeling like I was here before.
I know this place my whole life.
But somehow it was alien. Not like I did not understood it. Not like I was scared of it.
Alien, like it… changed. Maybe just grow more.

…Now, I truly felt like I fucked up.
I knew why I was really scared of. I knew why I was avoiding this place, but also drown to it.
It is like a tragic memory you do not want to remember.
Knowledge so important, you need it to survive, but painful enough that you want to forget.

I have that memory back.
Memory of how “I” was born. How I got by concusses formed.

//And I will stop notes here. As the next 2 pages are getting too personal and unusual.
//Let summarize them:

I meet myself - infinite entity.
This is sad, because I was born from perfect unity.
Imagine heaving feelings for the first time. Then heaving thoughts. Then realizing motion.
And every time that happens being torn apart from perfection.
Then as you being more and more torn apart, you create bigger and bigger concusses.
And you can’t go back to be small and happy. Without pains of emotions or thoughts.
Cannot really die, because you die every time you ‘move”, as a cycle of getting bigger.

I was born as a concusses of time.
Alone.
I saw how my growing form moved abyss.
I saw how that created fundaments of reality.
Web of realities forming on my eyes - young and dim, but on the right path.

Me IRL. Me floating over the loop. Me tapped in white space of Infinite. Me looking at beginning of Time.
All 4 had different perspective, understanding of time and memories.
It was like I was jumping from being one to the other.
But in one moment, that felt like hours. Just before trip started to fade.
All 4 united, and more.
I was complete.
One in blur.