I've started this post several times but have tossed away each attempt. I haven't posted in awhile because I haven't had much good to say. What began as a cancer scare turned into a months-long fight with a horrible infection, basically a large abscess on my lung that drained out of my chest, that could've easily killed me.

Somewhat unbelievably, the cancer was found early enough to eradicate and I do not need further treatment (chemo/radiation); I am in full remission and don't see my oncologist for a year. Remaining grateful however has been hard. I'm having a terrible time processing my emotions because of what this fight cost me. I won my life, but it cost everything I had in it that made me happy or content. Not just the material things, although it surely took all of that, but my understanding of things work. I don't even know how to put it in words, but the universe feels much more chaotic.

It fills much of my time now by thinking on one hand about how the cancer was discovered- through a CT scan done to determine the cause of some serious gastric upset I believe to have been caused by eating fresh outdoor psilocybin mushrooms at stage one before it had spread anywhere and quite by "accident"- affirms an "intelligent, symbiotic, sympathetic, synchronous" whatever you want to call it universe, but on the other how it has basically destroyed me materially, financially, emotionally and spiritually illustrates an example of it all just being blind luck in a sea of peril and chaos.

I'm trying, really hard to find some center in myself from which I can drive the energy to move forth. Life is different now in a lot of ways, I've never dealt with such a serious health issue, I never want to again.

Ugh, I want to toss this post away too. I just want to say Howdy, and it's good to be alive, but life really sucks right now. Picking up the damn pieces again. So shoot, howdy.

I can't help but see things in paradox and it may help to view existence that way. There's order, there's chaos, and finding the fine lines is hard. "Life sucks, but it's good to be alive" is very paradoxical.

I'm glad you shared and didn't toss this post away as well. I'm glad I read it. I too am glad you're alive and in remission/recovery. I'm glad to be interacting with you right now.

It seems to be a time where surrender, acceptance and self understanding will do you the most good. I think it's great that you reached out as well. There are many good hearts here who will want to help you find that centeredness and balance. I know I'd like to help in anyway I can.

Please let me know anyway in which I may be able to help.

Sending love, positive vibes, and hyperspace hugs.

One love

I'm glad you posted this null24.
Giving me the chance to hug you virtually.

I've always wondered about people who are genuinely happy and have nothing. When I see such people on TV I feel coward-ish to need so much to feel happy. It questions how dependent we are. There is an art to it, and I've not mastered it. I hope you succeed in that more than I do.

It's not all you and your situation, I do believe the world (of humans) is more chaotic than ever. No wonder this reflects on people. As of late I'm really focusing on having a holiday feeling and the free feeling I had as a child. Most of that was lost. Re-tuning my brains as we speak, it works partly.

Hi Null. Thinking of you buddy. I'm glad you posted this if just to give me a chance to say hi!!! Here is a picture of Fremont Bridge I took from middle of the Steel...

I'm very sorry you had to endure all this, Null, but I'm happy you've beaten cancer. How many people can say that? There is certainly strength to be taken in this as you rebuild what you've lost along the way. Still, I'm really sorry that the whole experience has shaken your faith, and I wish you nothing but the best from here.

Greetings dyoode

You have already won the biggest battle so all the financial bs will sort itself too.
I know it sounds cliche but keep your head up.
Better times will come.

Have a gud one and thank you for taking the time for an update in this situation.

Thanks

Void: it certainly is a paradox. A conundrum, a veritable mindf##k. I think surviving anything screws a person's head up. What I think I SHOULD be feeling is very different from what I actually am feeling.

Jees: me too. I think they are all lying and have large comfy homes full of consumables. It's all an illusion, but I know for a fact that I'm hungry. And yes, these last couple years have been hell on all of us. More peoplei know died during this time them any other comparable period. Almost killed me, sheesh.

Tony: what a craphole. Looks like the kind of place that harbors homeless drug addicts and the antifa headquarters.

Bill, yeah, it's true, thanks. It's great seeing you put out so much art, it must feel really good.

Hi Null! I always check this site every now and then to see how your doing. I'm sorry that the outcome however amazing that you survived, gave you so much loss. Its understandable. I'm really happy you beat cancer. Life can be rather unfair, yet through my understanding of this I wish for better outcomes. Therefore I want to change my perception on the topic one day. I'll keep trying to change that paradigm.

Just keep moving forward. Our struggles now are for something. I think that something not only carries throughout this life but the next one we choose.

i find its helpful to view life as a choice, and also, be more specific about what sucks, cause it isnt life. life dont suck.

Hey null, thanks for updating us.
I had been wondering how you are faring.
If you have a chance, maybe re-post your gofundme page?
Thanks.

Thanks, Cat. All we can do is keep on keeping on. And we CAN do hard things. While I don't subscribe to a notion of extended consciousness beyond death, I do think that the gift of life is meant to enable us to leave something that carries on.

Bisy, I don't think I need to semantically dissect the statement. I think it is fairly clear that what is meant is the quality of life here, not the actual act of living that sucks. For the sake of brevity I haven't re-elucidated all of the particulars that makes this so, but if you have any care or interest it all is indeed here on this site for the sake of my own self-serving interest in another thread. And in my view, if it is a choice, it is most certainly not one I made, or I would also then have the choice to end it, which I don't believe I do. Therefore, see above paragraph.

Thank you, sunny. The GFM was successful, surprisingly, but I was not able to use it for the intended purpose of helping relocate, but rather on food, abdominal pads and surgical tape. I still need to create a piece of art for those that donated, my creativity has been really suffering lately though and I don't want to give out total crap. I'm not some Art Van D'lay who can just crank out the masterpieces like some Stephen King of effed up art. It'll come one day, hopefully soon. Thanks for asking, and I think I recall that it's cool to do so but I am not going to insert it as an active link but here's the (cut-paste) link, I hate asking but anything does indeed, help:

gofundme.com/f/help-null-with-iving-expenses-after-cancer-surgery

Things are getting better, and easier. Just plugging away at moving forward, picking up where I left off and gathering the pieces. Walking a few miles a day and finally gaining some weight back. Meeting most of my goals, including to be off antibiotics by my birthday at the end of the month. I was offered a gig driving a cab, and I think that would be just weird enough and fun to be interesting, we'll see what happens. The fact that things are finally opening up, and I can be with and see other humans out and about helps too.

Thanks,to all of y'all for being there. Be good to ya.

That made me laugh. I'm not sure if it's a good thing or a bad thing. Stephen King can be kind of a cheesdick, yet I'd be lying if I said he's not a sometime guilty pleasure!

My offer remains if you feel inclined to try your hand at selling your work in the NFT space. It's not necessarily an easy road to making a lot of money, but it is possible to earn a living if you go about it right, and you've got plenty of designs already that could sell as multiple editions.

I'm happy to connect offline, tell you what I've learned so far and help get you started anytime.

It was meant with respect and admiration, Bill, and only in the sense of prolific-ness. And thanks, once I get into a space-both external and internal- to create, I'll hit you up. Not quite there yet...

Hey, Null! I can say that, I too, am very happy that you are alive! As one who has been on the brink of death before, I can say with some certainty that I do understand the existential crisis that comes with losing everything, thinking you are going to die, and living, can create. I can also say that it does get better. Financially, it is a great struggle, and I am not even back to where I should be, yet, but finding the little things that you love that do not require an excess of cash are all out there as well. I have faith that you will know what to do when the time comes. You are in my thoughts, my friend, and I will keep you and your healing in my next intentions. Remember, try to smile, even if it hurts. It will help.

Blessings, my friend.