Hi All,

Long time reader, first time poster. Thank you in advance to this great community of people and sorry for the lengthy first post.

I have suffered from MS for the past 18 years only to have the western medicine system fail my needs time and time again. Due to the fact that I also have a serious kidney disease I have been unable to take the medications for MS, as they would destroy my kidneys leaving me on the kidney donor list. Not only that but financially it’s just not possible, costing up to half a million a year for the medications. I have no ability or desire to be nothing but a profit source for big pharma. Multiple doctors have made it clear to me that if I choose not to take the medications they will no longer consider me a patient or try to help me in any way. I recently found out that the doctors get a significant percentage of the profits for patients on the long-term medications in the form of kickbacks from the drug companies themselves. Seems like a huge conflict of interest to me.

I had always been curious about Ayahuasca and after years and years of research I decided that this was the way to go to try for a cure. If it didn’t work I’d be no worse off than what I already was, it was my last resort option. I had done a number of recreational and psychedelic drugs in the past so I had confidence that I could make sense of the experience and get some positive healing out of it. I also did the years of research to ensure that I would be able to use Ayahuasca in a manner that was as safe as possible.

I have spoken with a number of shamans and experienced Ayahuasca users, and the common train of thought was simply that I would have to do this on my own simply because the format of what I needed would not have been possible in a retreat type setting. I also read that people who had significant health issues or in this case brain damage tended to have a much harder experience. I can say with confidence that is a huge understatement. I would not have believed that a person could go through that much physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual pain. I was completely reduced to being able to do nothing but sit there and scream, cry, and be in pure terror through the entire experience. Each session was harder and harder to force myself to continue, but I knew that this was the only way forward.

From what I could gather from the sessions, it was shown to me that the healing has to be done before it can proceed to the enjoyable consciousness-expanding experiences that most have. Thus far I have had only a very negative experience with Ayahuasca, but the reasoning behind it makes sense and I can understand that.

My wife has also been doing Ayahuasca with me. We have been alternating watching over each other while the other is going through the Ayahuasca experience. She has never done any sort of recreational drug or had any previous psychedelic experience and she came through it loving every minute of it. She had some childhood emotional trauma so after discussing our experiences I found out that her sessions weren’t entirely easy and there was a few episodes of some tough stuff she had to deal with but it was nothing as difficult as what I had to endure. I think that summarizes the backstory enough, I didn’t want to write a book that was “too long, didn’t read”.

Anyways, my last session was two weeks ago. I’m feeling about 80% recovered physically at least from what I can recall, it felt like 18 years ago. I’m no longer blind in my right eye from ocular necrosis, I have nearly perfect vision there again. I’m getting waves of dizziness as opposed to the constant dizziness that I had previously where I was unable to stand up. My motor control has returned. That’s not to say it’s all rainbows and unicorns. There is still significant, difficult brain repair happening in the “processing phase” of this journey. I’ll be perfectly fine then suddenly feel a pull or activation in certain areas of the brain, instantly being reduced to a pile of tears, or so dizzy I can’t stand, or lose sight in my right eye again, or some other temporary return to my previous state.

Despite having multiple degrees I’ve been forced into lesser and lesser jobs over the past 18 years as my functionality decreased. Not to mention I have had to supplement my living income with my own savings whenever I have an MS relapse that removes my ability to work. The sad reality is through no fault of my own, in trying to survive this I’m flat broke and on the verge of homelessness. I’m having a really difficult time with this. I feel so out of touch with reality. I’m really just looking to talk to someone who has experience with this sort of long-term difficult reintegration/processing. I’ve heard of integration therapists, but the cost is way out of my price range. I’ve always been the type to just grin and bear it on my own, but this feels like something that is out of my ability to deal with. I’m looking for any help you fine folks can suggest.

Thank you all for your time and suggestions.

Greetings my friend.

First, my condolences on your situation 🙏.

Second, so much for "first do no harm..." (recalling statement about doctors refusing to help.)

It sounds like some progress is being made (return of vision, less dizziness, etc.) I wonder how much is am effect of neurogenesis brought about by psychedelics.

I have yet to try Aya or Pharma. However, if you feel it's been too rough, have you considered lightening the dose? A milder experience can potentially still help you heal while being easier to manage.

I hope you have hope with the dawning of progress. I have hope for you. And this community is teeming with experienced and knowledgeable individuals that will hopefully be able to provide further insight to assist you.

One love

Thanks for the kind words Voidmatrix,

Yes, I have tried lightening the dose. I was taking the smallest dose I could while still having enough of an effect to do anything. I found that any less and it didn't seem to have any effect whatsoever. According to the shamans I was in contact with I was using the minimum dose they would give anyone. My second session was a much heavier dose just to experiment with, and while the visuals were much more vivid and intense the sensations were unchanged. The milder dose was just enough to cross the threshold of no effect/effect without visual hallucination.

It has been a difficult journey through illness but seems to be working so far. There will likely be a need for more sessions after I get through the initial healing process. But yes, I am hopeful. I'm doing my best to stay in a positive mindset, the difficulty is that in healing all the damaged areas that are rooted in negativity, it is forcing me into a negative mindset to deal with these issues. I'm finding it harder and harder to return to positive thoughts each time.