Hi everyone reading this,

Some background info on myself: About a decade ago I discovered the mystical world of psychedelics and soon I started to experiment with DMT extraction and tripping. DMT was my first psychedelic experience.

While I am quite fond of what little I remember from those early DMT experiences, it all seemed like an ancient dream. Not being able to remember much at all makes it hard to integrate those life lessons. For a long while life happened and I foolishly abandoned my vision quest. Had I explored my inner cosmos more frequently, I might have never suffered from a long running depression. Of course that's speculation but the experience that I am reporting on today gave me some confidence in that assumption.

The depression I mentioned was pretty much the central theme in my magic mushroom experience. It was definitely not the reason why I wanted to get back into psychedelics though. The only reason for that is because up until now, I just thought that psychedelic experiences were very awesome, but they never really gave me a life changing experience before.

So for this mushroom trip I grew my own Mckennaii mushrooms and after a couple of weeks of patiently tending to them, I was ready to, once again, plunge into the depths of my consciousness.

I just ate what looked like about 3grams of dried mushrooms and went up to my bedroom. It was probably around midnight that the anxiety and some of the effects started to kick in. My body started to feel relaxed and I felt happy listening to music, so I decided to try something that was not possible when I embarked on this journey 10 years ago. I took my oculus rift headset and booted up "Mirage", a music visualizer app. At this point in the trip, the OEVs and even the CEVs were barely noticeable. I have to say experiencing technology when you are in such a primal & down to earth psychedelic state of mind is quite something. VR was just awesome and kind of blew my mind.

Now one mistake that I made was after I got bored of Mirage, I booted up another app called "Dreams of Dahli". This is another VR experience but this time you can navigate in a landscape filled with the creepy stuff from Dahli's works. When I saw the gigantic elephants with unnaturally long legs it unsettled me deeply and I decided to put the VR headset away for now.

After that little experiment, I went to relax in my bed but I forgot to put on some music. After subsequent trips with magic mushrooms I noticed how music can guide my experience to something much more pleasant than what happened next.

The trip was getting a lot stronger by now and I started to feel that pre-flight anxiety again when the visuals grew more intense. Those visuals were mostly CEVs, but very dim. OEVs were still barely there at all. At this point I started reflecting upon my life and I realized that I was sad.

"Why?", a question that keeps popping up in my inner dialogue when I'm on shrooms after basically every thought or realization. I knew that I was not happy with my life but I didn't understand why. My life is pretty good by most standards but I still fell victim to depression. How long has this been going on? What triggered it initially? Either I forgot a long time ago or I never knew at all. In any case, I just realized that I have not been cheerful or ambitious for way too long and I need to do something about it. Tears started rolling down my face as these revelations hit me. These were things that were probably pretty obvious to anyone of my associates in life, and maybe even to myself at a subconscious level. But I always kind of brushed it aside and tried to remain strong. Never realizing before now that it really was a deep rooted issue and probably the main obstacle for me to get a satisfying life.

I mentioned before how the trip might have gone differently had I been guided by some music but I am honestly thankful that I got to realize and analyze this problem. Instead of an inner monologue, it felt like I had an inner dialogue. Asking myself questions and demanding the answers. A fresh way to reflect objectively upon my life, my behavior, and my depression. All of this is much more worthwhile to me than an enjoyable trip with pleasant visuals.

After a lot of introspection I cried again, this time with a smile on my face because of how lucky I was that I was reintroduced to the psychedelic experience. That I might have a renewed courage to turn my life around into something I can actually enjoy to the fullest.

I did get some answers that I needed. Not WHY I was depressed, which I think hardly matters if I can't remember that, but I did get to identify some of the symptoms of my depression. Bad sleep schedule, procrastination, not socializing and even cutting a lot of social connections. Isolating myself and not taking care of myself physically or mentally. Now if I know all of that surely I can fix my depression at some point.

But what really blew my mind was this: If I analyze all of these observations rationally, I find that I have basically been bullying myself for a long time. My own bully. I am the last person who I'd suspect of this crime against myself. It dawned on me that this realization was the ridiculous punchline to my years long depression and I honestly couldn't stop laughing out loud.

After I accepted that I need to change all of this, the rest of the trip went fine and I just looked at the mild CEVs for the rest of the night.

Now it's time to integrate this experience and use the tools that have been given to me much more regularly.

It's good to see you take up psychedelics again! Especially in helping with your depression. I've also come to an understanding that I've been way to harsh on myself. The fact that you understood the punchline was great

It's good to be "in on the joke." I find myself relating to you a little bit.

Just remember depression isn't a cage, you seem to be on the right path Traveler

Thanks for reading this report about my very vulnerable and personal experience. Your supportive words are a good motivator to stay on the path I'm on now.