Sitting back the air in the room had frozen/crystalized into a pattern instantly recognizable to me from LSD trips taken three decades ago giving a homely and peaceful atmosphere to the environment.That peace very quickly turned to terror after quite reasonably assuming that I was dead,the combined voices of everyone whom I love were shouting "why has he done that?" the pipe was actually a gun and I had just spilled my brain out,lost game over,death for no reasonable reason,I had chased it welcomed it and now my body would be found by family.Shame and terror and hate,having tricked myself there could be no coming back from such idiocy. An observer from behind said "He had all the opportunities to resolve this",I could only agree.
I closed my eyes
In a awfull space of shifting,swirling boiling energy,indescribable shapes ,inaudible deafening sound wherein there was nowhere to be me I could not stop,only be thrown around and regurgitated.Regurgitated, that was it,on and on it went until at points like a pendulum swinging I could briefly get a single pointed observation before being re dissolved into the sticky unbearable stew.
In that brief moment between swallowing I could differentiate that gap from the turmoil and get a rhythm to it,the turmoil was below dragging me down only to be forgotten before that gap again,on it went till the gaps became longer and the stew became perceivable as a plane beneath.I did not belong there.
In the silence of one of the gaps between swallowing a calm voice says "Look at all that knowledge" so I looked,and felt disgust,was it mine?I did not want it,no need for it now.
This vast plane beneath covered in shapes,each one a kind of window with a world within,Thumbnails,"oh shit,it is like Youtube",I thought, one of the windows projected all the way up to me,its leading edge was the viciously curious face of Joe Rogan,repelled by this I turned it off.Seen enough of that crap,not interested,he sank back down into the receding plane and my attention was drawn to the horizon it made impossibly far away.
Cathedral like structures,temples of architecture spinning up punctuating this vast plane beneath,glorious now but very distant.
Another voice from everywhere said "All of evolution and civilization arrives at this one point" and then sang "FOREVER" the word forever was resonating.
I knew it was not me,I was long gone now but this carry's on forever,no start finish or time it just is. All I could do was accept it as true.
There was nothing to do but stop.
A feeling like yawning and falling backwards and up,away from this plane of existence drew me away into a different scene,brighter,comfortable now ,more ordered, a space of tubes flowing with blue and pink energy it kind of mirrored the maelstrom of previous but bearable due to its machine like fluidity,joyful in its continual operation.Now purged of curiosity I entered willingly to be part of it.
Perception dissolved and there was nothing,nothing at all.
Now it gets weird.
The nothing slowly ended,awareness gradually evolved,a state of bliss,a colour,the most basic of awareness,of good,absolute and total good,unity,the pain of duality was over.
Slowly feeling more, a kind of thought came from me " This is possible",it was not mine or me and i could not stay but,wow.
At some point after more of this 'just bliss' some dots appeared,the dots were moving in-between thin lines forming channels rising off the background colour of bliss,ever so slowly the dots traveled the lines,it was a totally absorbing vision,the word 'Movement'echoed around 'MOOOOVVEMMMMEEEEENT' seeing these dots,red and yellow traveling there lines was so beautiful,I heard it said "Everything is happening as it should"and knew it was time to go.
Blackness now,absence of light, a different aspect of nothing to previous,then a distant twinkle of white light,then another closer,more now,a whole set constellations forming around? Well forming around a fetus,the large head and fetal body position were clear,the whole Zodiac wheel turned ,centered on this child bringing it into existence.I could see its chubby little arm extend,its hand was brighter than than the rest of it and it was,well it was cold.I knew it was cold because at his point I realized that hand was mine and was cold because I had swaddled my body in a blanket leaving the arm out to inhale the DMT from the vape, leaving it colder than my body.
Guessing I was alive I opened my eyes,yes, in my body where I left it,the room was barely perceivable,totally tripped out and pixelated, bizarre and virtual but I was me and this was real and I was back entirely with a mind and body I could move in a world totally solid and unchanged.
In total gratitude I lay there,relieved and happy,consciously inhaling feeling the air pass through my nostrils. a smell was on the air,that of a large rotting mammal,though I knew it was actually the DMT that had burned off in the vape by my side.DMT is death.
The room was getting clearer but still being in a very altered state I once again closed my eyes.
At once there was an urgency to be clear minded as me,still and balanced physically with spine erect,there was a funnel coming out of the top of my head connecting me to a portal in a kind of telescope/wormhole arrangement,through it I could see a story or a book presented in symbols and it was true,the urgency grew to a determination to tell this story.But where to begin?I knew it in its entirety but could not hold it as a retrievable memory.Leaning into the intention to bring it down the funnel,to be empty and let it fill me up. The symbols began to translate to spoken word,a babble of language not of my own,too much of it,it was like getting the sea into a thimble,no matter how hard I worked there was not enough time for it all to pour through the funnel and the intensity around my body was raising ,a thunderous noise pulsed in the room like a great engine spooling up then slowing down,the noise felt like friction helping pull the story down but in doing so was drowning out the words.
It was a puzzle,both physical and mental,I had to be totally empty but simultaneously intense.The end of the story so far up at the open end of the funnel was hazing over.
The start!I had to get it started so I put all of my focus to my mouth to let it pour through/out of me,yes here we go,it is on the tip of my tongue now,it was crystalizing into actual words of this world.But the first word? The final piece of the puzzle,the key to telling it all.
Throwing all I had at it,getting all the way to the bottom of the funnel where my mouth was,lips opened prepared to recite this book,THE book,it was there lined up and ready to go,pushing air out now, humming a vowel,I,but like AAAAYYYYEEEEE.Bang,solved it,the problem was the first word,changed it to 'We' and the tension snapped,no more funnel,no pulsing machine,just little old me with something to say.In a slow deep voice taking two breaths to get it out came...."We must,respect,the Origin"
With that done I reopened my eyes and saw the room was straight and normal,unwrapped the blanket stood up,touching my toes could feel all the muscular niggles from decades of training were gone, the whole thing had lasted about 20 minutes.
Received a further couple of personal insights later that evening,had a nice meal and since have just continued on with life.
This was a year ago.