So, I just woke up half an hour ago, a new day and a fresh (if somewhat hungover) perspective on the events that transpired yesterday, December 31st.
I wondered if I should write about this at all, but a few forum members encouraged me to do so.
So here it is..
Set: Relaxed, serene, calm.
Setting: At home, cozy, decent indoor temperature.
Substance: Mescaline HCl, 400mg in 2x200mg enteric capsules (to avoid nausea [they said])
The idea was stringing together several different lifestyle possibilities, reprioritizing the ever-present todo list, and introspect deeply about what is meant for manifestation this upcoming year.
So, at 18h30, I ingested one of the capsules, and 20 minutes later, the other one.
The reader should know that somewhat atypically, even with enteric capsules, mescaline starts kicking in (without nausea) at about T+1h for me.
Well, 19h30 came and went, then 20h, there were a couple of alerts and a lot of placebo, but by all objective measurements, this experience was not developing, much less at the intensity desired for 400mg.
I also start having nausea, which is a) too late in the timeline to make sense and b) should not happen with the trustworthy enteric capsules.
So for another hour I lie half-miserably on the couch, covered in several blankets because even with the heating on, I'm suddenly very cold (vasoconstriction ftw).
Realizing that this is all because in anticipation of tripping at night, I had FEASTED for lunch, a mere 4h before T+0, and that the digestion might not be complete yet thus slowing down the absorption of the god-powder, I try to brush away thoughts of a failtrip this new years eve, I chose to stay home to experience the wisdom of the mescaline and walk flying (see what I did there) into the new year ..
Around 21h, I start feeling a little bit better.. but also nauseous (less than before) and my belly is bloated. But the cold is for the most part gone and I can muster the energy to walk around the living room a little bit.
So I do, and pause to notice the details around - in terms of visual distortions, this is not even on par with 200mg of mescaline. In fact, I remember thinking, I would not even be able to tell this was mescaline, which is weird because for me it has a very unique fingerprint to it, hard to mistaken with something else.
More or less at that point, some 10 mins later perhaps, I realize that my mind has been consumed with ego thoughts, like the ego is actually stronger (nothing against egos you know but it stood out because mescaline tends to slowly increasingly soften the ego, at least ime).. i'm thinking rambo thoughts about getting what I want (in an aggressive way), be it women, money, etc.
Somewhat amused by the direction this trip is taking (and totally ok with it, why not
), I continue following these thoughts, and eventually something pops up, something that most of us are aware of, I guess:
"The Ego is a mask!"
and almost immediately,
"Well then, CHOOSE the mask you want to wear!"
which led to the following thought process:
"Being 'in character' (ego driven/bound) for extended periods of time is deforming, we start identifying with the mask, forgetting that it's just a mask.."
"We lose flexibility, because we forget that we are the creator behind the mask [It who decides which mask to put on/off]"
...
"A creator who does not create is not much of a creator anymore".
And several scribblings at this point: "I'm here! I AM! CREATE - just don't forget who you REALLY are!"
I put the trip journal down. The implications were beginning to dawn on me.
The more I thought about it, the more I realized I could not differentiate between this creator-behind/beyond/before-ego and the universal creative force/god/the universe/whatever you want to call itThey are one and the same.23h06: "I am ALL of this! I am the paper, I am the blankets, I am the furniture, I am the walls ..
I am the creative force, aware of itself!!!!!"
HOLY SHIT. I'm
awake.
The next hour or so was mostly spent putting my jaw back up (it kept dropping) and variations of "no, it CAN'T be" going back to "fuck, it IS SO!"
Eventually that gave way to a fit of laughter that surpassed even the one after my first DMT breakthrough.
And then back to jaw dropped.
"I am all of this. All of this is me. The creative force, aware."AftermathFor another 3 hours or so I mostly smiled and chatted to a few nexians online, and tried to work out the implications of this realization.
Due to the skewed effects curve, it was impossible to get any sleep until 7AM, after tossing and turning for about 3 hours. Today, I am not at my best of course.
In a way, nothing changed.
But it changed everything.
Final thoughtsI'm not likely to sport a white robe and a pilgrim stick and go chant wololo across the world with a bag of mescaline strapped to my waist anytime soon, so don't worry, I quite assure you that my sanity remains.
This realization shook me to the core, and it rang true like nothing else has up to that point. If I were to trust my gut feeling completely, then yes, I would say it is so.
But of course, brains and dr00gs, so who knows?
Worst case scenario, it was the highest
mystic-religious experience of my entire psychedelic career.
tldrTook mescaline, suffered for hours from digestive problems and realized all is one, we are the universe experiencing itself and sentience is sacred.
This is the time to really find out who you are and enjoy every moment you have. Take advantage of it.